


Two Lost Angels Discover Salvation

by detectivevanilla



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Sex, Blow Jobs, Cheating, Drunken Kissing, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Manipulation, Motocross, No Homo, Phone Sex, Rimming, Smut, Strip Tease, bad attempts at fluff, compulsory heterosexuality, cranking, emotional masturbation, i apologise if this causes you pain, it's so homo though, severe denial, smut bingo, these boys are assholes, this will hurt you, yes this is my 'no homo' entrant into the fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-29 07:09:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 77,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8479993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/detectivevanilla/pseuds/detectivevanilla
Summary: Now Philip does look surprised, and after everything they've done together, how can this surprise him?





	1. Chapter 1

Philip was a cliché and Lukas couldn’t have been less interested.  
Even if the town wasn’t small enough that everyone knew everybody else’s business, a kid being dropped into high school a month into the year with cheap clothes and a moody face would have been enough to show he was new. He made it clear he didn’t belong here, couldn’t stand to get away, and Lukas did not have the time for how superior he was.  
If this kid didn’t want to make friends here, then Lukas wasn’t going to bend over backwards to make him feel welcome.  
He probably wouldn’t last the month.  
Thinking that was the first mistake he was going to make with Philip.

He said he didn’t care, but he was curious. It wasn’t every day someone new came to this town to stay, especially someone his age. It was a novelty, and he knew everyone else was as casually interested in the new kid as he was. Not interested enough to actually talk to him, especially with the vibes he was giving off, but still interested enough to talk about him when they thought he wasn’t looking.

He’d asked Rose about Philip and even she didn’t have a lot of information to give.  
Philip lasted a month but still had that look on his face like he couldn’t wait to get away. He looked even worse now; like he's half accepted that he couldn't just get away. He still had no friends and Lukas was starting to feel sorry for the guy. He wasn’t sure he had the time to try and befriend someone who clearly didn’t want to make friends with anyone.  
He should have known it was all a defense mechanism.  
He keeps seeing him around school, just glimpses of his guarded shoulders and his closed off face and he just starts feeling straight up sad about him. It makes no sense because he doesn’t even know him. Just hears whispers that his name is Philip and he was being fostered by the new sheriff. Just the same old news for the past five weeks, ever since Philip started school, and it was driving him insane. Was there really no one here who cares about him?  
He couldn't say anything without being a hypocrite though because what exactly was he doing? He just sighs and rubs his forehead. He never was one for reaching out to people or making semi-grand gestures. He had no idea how to even talk to people. There was no way that he could be the one to bring Philip out of his shell but he hoped someone would because the guy didn’t deserve to be as alone as he looked.

The days pass and soon it’s been six weeks since Philip started.  
That’s when it changes.

* * *

He’s walking down the hallway to his next class, Rose at his side, when he sees a commotion. Philip’s in the middle of a circle and these guys are surrounding him, typical popular high school assholes and they're giving him shit for who he is and what he's wearing and he's just had enough. He has no idea what the hell Philip could have done to them but he knows he probably didn't do anything. They probably just saw him as less than than them and thought he wouldn't start on them back. He probably would've been able to handle himself if he wasn't surrounded and he just hoped he wasn't making a mistake by getting involved in this.  
They pushed him and he fell to the floor. Yeah, he'd had enough of this now. There is no way someone who tried to be a wallflower as much as Philip could've done something to deserve that.  
“Jared, lay off him.”  


“Why? Do you wanna have a go?” He gestures towards Philip on the floor and his eyes are steel but he's still frightened and it's not fair at all. How can they think this was something they should do?

“I’ll have a go at kicking your ass if you don't lay off.” He gets in Jared’s face. He knows he's not actually menacing, that if it came down to it he probably wouldn't be able to take on Jared but he towers over him and he really hopes he's making him feel small right now. He means it though, he would start on someone if they started on Philip and he knows it shows on his face. High school is tough and Philip is just trying to get by and get out, he can tell by how he walks around the place. He didn't realize he even noticed him as much as he clearly has but maybe he's more interesting than he first thought, some puzzle he wants to figure out and solve.

Jared raises his palms in surrender and he shouldn't feel as satisfied as he does.

“He's all yours Waldenbeck, but just let me know when you get bored with him.” He looks like a shark, mouth too big and bitter, and he's overwhelmed with the urge to punch him in the face. He just glares at him until he leaves and if he could have just one wish right now it'd be for Jared to never look at Philip ever again, just forget he even exists. He turns back and there's too many people there watching them. Why the fuck couldn't any of them have intervened? His face is like thunder and they all scurry off, disassemble as quickly as they assembled and he can't imagine what it must be like to be Philip right now.

“I’ve got a bike. You wanna get out of here?” Because god he does, can't stand to spend another minute in this place with these people. He thinks Philip might need it too.

“Lukas, you can't just skip.” Rose says. He wasn't asking her though so he really doesn't care what she thinks right now.

He ignores her and looks at Philip and he just nods back at him. He stretches his hand out to him and Philip clasps it with his own and he notices how it's soft and rough at the same time.

“Lukas!” but he knows she's not really annoyed at him. He knows she’ll make some believable excuse for why she's not in class. As long as they've been joined at the hip she's always been reliable and kinda safe. She wouldn't get him into trouble and she was definitely a good girl to have on your side.  


“Rose, can I borrow your helmet?” he asks. She doesn't look pleased in the slightest but she opens up her locker and gives it to him. See, totally reliable. She hands him her helmet, kisses his cheek and stalks off to class. Yeah, she’ll have a go at him later but if Philip is cool then it'll be worth it. Rose has never been able to stay mad at him for long no matter what idiotic shit he pulls.  


He lets go of Philip’s hand, didn't even realize he was still holding onto it, and it's kinda weird the Philip didn't say anything about it. He starts walking to his locker to get his helmet. Safety first and everything.  
He hands Rose’s helmet to Philip but instead of taking it he just looks at it.  


“It's not gonna bite you.” He says.  


“Are you tryna make me your side chick?” Philip says, and if he's not in his life a year from now then he'll still be able to remember that being the first thing he ever said to him.  


“No! It’s not like that. I just wanna be nice.” He shrugs, and he doesn’t get why Philip is making such a big deal out of it. He doesn’t get why he’s making a big deal out of it either because when would he offer to do this for anyone other than Rose? He wouldn’t, and he doesn’t get why he is trying so hard with Philip. It’s not just out of pity but he doesn’t get what else it is.

Philip takes the helmet and they start walking towards the doors to get out.  
“Do you do that a lot? Put your girlfriend out so you can hang out with other people.” Philip’s head is turned towards him and it makes his jaw look sharper than usual.

“Nah. I don't really like anyone but her.” He says it but he knows it's a slightly understatement on his part. Sure, he's friendly with other people, but the only person he spends considerable time with is Rose.

Philip is looking at him curiously. He probably still thinks there's some ulterior motive here but there isn't. He just needed to get away, get Philip away too, because most people at school were assholes and he felt like both of them needed a break.

They’re through the doors and outside and it's instinct to just walk straight towards his bike. He can hear footsteps behind him so he knows Philip is following. No one but Rose has ever been on his bike, not even his dad, and he's just offered a ride to this boy he's only just met, no questions asked. No wonder Rose found it weird.

He gets on his bike and he feels more at home than he does in virtually any other place he’s ever been. He looks back at Philip who’s standing there semi awkwardly, just looking and cradling the helmet.

He nods and Philip gets on but leaves space between them. It can’t be very comfortable for him but he’s not going to say anything about it.

“You gotta hold on tight to me.” He says to Philip, before putting his helmet on.

Safety first.

Philip wraps his arms around his waist and he's surprised to feel how strong his arms are, that he can feel it through both of their jackets. He thinks it's safe enough, no one’s seen them and Philip is holding on, so he revs the engine and sets off.

He knows exactly where they're going and no one will find them there. If he needs a break, this is the place where he goes. He hopes Philip likes it too, or at least knows where a safe place for him would be.

He exits the road and follows the path he’s almost convinced his bike has made. He comes up here that often that it’s definitely contributed to how worn in it is. He could probably do this with his eyes shut, it’s all muscle memory now and he doesn’t even have to think about it before he gets to where he wants to be.

He slows down and kills the engine. They’re at a clearing in the trees, just by the edge of a lake. It’s almost eerily quiet and it soothes him immediately.

He goes and sits down near the lake. The ground feels cold beneath him, a sign of the nearing winter. There's a slight chill in the air but it's peaceful and he can't even see another person around. Philip sits down near him, close by, but not close enough to be considered next to him.  
“I like to come here when I want to be by myself. No one really comes out here.” He tells Philip. This is one of his safe places. He doesn’t even bring Rose here because he doesn’t think it’s the right place for her. Philip might like the quiet though. He’s probably got too much going on in his brain. He might need this just as much as he does.

“It makes me miss the city. Everything is so quiet here.” Philip’s voice is quiet too, as if he doesn't want to disrupt the calmness around him. It makes him a little bit sad.

“You're from the city?” He asks, and it almost feels foreign to him after being stuck here all his life in a town of a few thousand of the same people.

“Born and raised.”

“That's cool.” He says because he has no idea what else he's meant to say. He's not interesting, he doesn't really know how to talk to people or what the good thing to say is, and there's no way Philip could actually enjoy being around him. It bothers him, that this one person might not like him. He's never really been bothered by stuff like that before, he's had Rose and that's been enough for him. Having this new face in a sea of the same old is making him think maybe he needs to re-evaluate everything around him. Maybe he might need to change things.

He hasn't even known Philip an hour yet but here he is disrupting his humdrum existence. Being outspoken and fearless and everything he's not.

“Do you hate it here?” He asks. He knows if he had to move from the city to here then he'd hate it.

“It's okay. It’s not the worst place I could be and it's not like I can go back to my mom yet.” He can almost hear the shrug in Philip’s voice.

“How can you be so chill about everything?” Because he doesn't understand it. He knows it must be bad enough that he has to be separated from his mom but Philip doesn't look like he's that bothered about it.  


“Everything that's happened here hasn't been the worst thing that's ever happened to me.” Philip says and he doesn't even sound sad. It sounds almost rehearsed though, and maybe he's been thinking about how to make being here better than it actually is. Maybe he's had to feed the same half-truth to someone else and now it's second nature. It’s ominous though, that something worse than being here has happened to him.  


“Sorry.” He really has no clue what to say so he says the only thing he can think of.  


“You didn't do it so you don't have to be sorry.” Philip says and it feels final.  


He's not going to carry on but he doesn't blame him because he knows he wouldn't spill his secrets to a basic stranger.  


“You want me to teach you how to ride?” He asks. Motocross is the only thing that makes him feel halfway okay. It’s his one ticket out of here because he's not smart enough to really make anything of himself without it. He doesn't apply himself enough in anything in life other than motocross. It’s one of the only things he likes and he doesn't know how to talk to other people so he just hopes Philip likes what he likes.  


“I already know how to ride.” He's smirking at him and it's full of fire, and he's getting the feeling he's not talking about bikes. And oh. Oh.  


“You're gay?” And he's surprised because he doesn't look gay. Not that he'd know what someone gay would look like because he doesn't think he's ever met anyone who's said that they're gay before. If he squints though, he can see how Philip could be attractive to other guys, tousled hair and full lips.  


“Why do you think they wanted to beat the shit outta me?” And yeah, small towns were never too kind to something they saw as different.  


“You're not the only gay kid in school you know. It might be good if you're out.” Philip can't be the only gay kid, not with all those anti-bullying talks they get that always seem to mention other gay kids. There has to be others around but he's never noticed them before.  
Philip is looking at him and it's curious and he feels like he's given him a piece to his own puzzle but he doesn't know what he's said. He’s going back over it in his head to try and figure it out and-  
Wait.  
Did he just come out to Philip?  
His eyes go wide because, oh fuck, he totally might have just come out to him and that’s absolutely not what should’ve happened. Philip is smiling at him and it's sympathetic and he's totally misunderstood what's happened here.  


“That wasn't me coming out. I’m not out. I’m not in. I’m not anything like that.”  


Philip’s face shuts down, and shit that was totally the wrong thing to say but he was panicking. He's not gay and he can't have people thinking he is because he totally isn't. He doesn't really care, he doesn't mind gay people, but he doesn't want people to see him as gay.  


“How fun is it? To ride?” Philip asks and he looks headstrong.  


“It'll make you stop thinking.” Because it does. Whenever he rides all he focuses on is how powerful and fast it feels. Just him and his bike and nothing else. He thinks Philip needs that too.  


Philip nods, short and quick. His face is still closed off, brow furrowed and lips pursed, but it's enough for now.  
They walk back over to his bike and he gestures for Philip to get on first.

“It’s easiest this way.” He says before sitting down behind Philip. He leans forward until his head could rest on Philip’s shoulder. He's close enough that it's easy for him to give Philip instructions loud enough for him to hear them.

“This is the throttle,” he says, leaning over and pointing to the right handlebar, “and this is the brake.” He points to the lever directly in front of it and Philip nods.  
He pats Philip’s thigh, telling him he's ready to go, but then he starts panicking because what if that's not a friendly thing to do and he's just signaled something gay and what if Philip takes it as something gay. He's panicking so much that he doesn't even realize his hand is still on Philip’s thigh, just resting there awkwardly and now it's definitely becoming gay and Philip is just looking at him as if he's the strangest person he's ever met. He snatches his hand away and tries to clear his head.

“You ready?” He asks, clearing his throat.

“Yeah.” Philip replies and he's looking all over his face as if he's trying to find something there. Whatever he's looking for he doesn't seem to find because he just turns around and grips the throttle. He twists and they're off. It’s slow, but he doesn't know if he can trust Philip with all of his bike’s power yet. He wraps his arms around Philip’s waist and he can feel the muscles tense and tighten underneath his hands.

“My grandma can go faster than this on her scooter.” Philip says, and he laughs, because yeah, he's probably right.

“Okay, stop.” He says and he taps his hand softly on Philip’s stomach. He can feel the muscles shift again and it's a strange sensation. Philip brings the bike to a stop and he slides his hands off, resting his feet on the floor. He still stays close to Philip though. There's no point in moving away if he's gonna have to demonstrate more

“This is the clutch,” he points to the lever on the left hand side, “I bet you had driver’s ed at your last high school so you'll know what it does.”

Philip laughs at him.

“Yeah, I know what it does, hotshot.”

He readjusts himself on the bike and gets a better grip on the handlebar.

“Hold on. I’m gonna give you the ride of your life.” Philip jokes, smile easy on his face.

This time he laughs at Philip, and wraps his arms back around him. Philip sets off and they’re going faster this time. He thinks he actually isn't half bad at it.

It’s different like this, to be a passenger on his own bike. He's constantly in anticipation of what Philip might do or where he might go or how he might handle certain paths. It’s freeing in a different way than riding himself would be. He just holds on and lets his mind relax. It feels like they travel for miles just enjoying the woods and the freedom of being alone.

Philip starts circling back and he's got a good sense of direction. They go through a clearing and they're onto the dirt path they came in on. It’s almost over. Philip is probably taking her hem somewhere public or maybe back to school or something and that'll be it. He feels strange but he doesn't want it to be over.

He hopes it's late enough for his dad not to bust him for being out of school.

Philip pulls up outside a house and he presumes it's his own. He knows Tivoli well enough that he knows where he is but he's never had a reason to be round here before. Philip kills the engine and takes his helmet off. He twists his body slightly so he can face him a bit more, and his feet drop to the floor steadying them.

“You should be in control next time. You're better at this than me.”

Next time.  
Philip wants to see him again.

Philip manoeuvres himself off the bike being mindful of Lukas behind him. He tries to hand him back the helmet but he stops him before he can.

“Look after it. For next time.” He's smiling at him and it's kinda nice how he might have just made a new friend, his first in years.

Philip smiles back and awkwardly lifts the helmet in thanks.  
He walks to his front door and that's it.  
He doesn't turn back to wave, just walks inside, but he has his helmet and he wants to hang out again and that's more than he was expecting. It’s more than he was thinking he would want to expect. People are surprising that way.


	2. Chapter 2

The more time him and Philip spend together, the more he realizes they are two sides of the same coin. He’s never realized before how different he was to everyone else until he met him. He didn’t fit in in Tivoli, probably never had, and had just been playing pretend his entire life. He’s just outside the in crowd, looking in through a window of a house at them all when he always thought he was right there with them. Philip is on the outside too, all alone, and maybe being alone together would make him feel more like he belonged somewhere. He’s only ever had Rose, had her for years and it just made sense for them to get together because they were always close. Sitting here with Philip in the quiet makes him realize that there was a void inside him and he didn’t even realize. He’s needed someone like him, someone who understands what it’s like to be different.  
Maybe he’s the cliché, and maybe he is interested in Philip after all.  
________________________________________  
The days pass and Philip becomes a more permanent fixture in his life with each one.  
They’re friends now, settled into it quicker than he’s settled into anything before. He’s surprised by it, never expected this in a million years, but he actually genuinely likes Philip and he wouldn’t give up a friendship like this for some silly reason.

Philip sometimes comes and watches him practice, the two of them buried deep in the woods.  
Rose doesn’t really bother coming, it’s not her thing and she’s always made that pretty clear. She’s still supportive though, she’ll cheer him on from the side-lines, and give him time to practice and come to competitions sometimes, so he doesn’t really mind. Sometimes it’s nice to be alone whilst he does this, so he only has his own expectations to live up to.

Philip though, Philip is way more supportive.

They’ve been friends for a couple of weeks now and Philip gets that one of the only things he cares about is motocross. He doesn’t mind it, not in the slightest, and he patiently and enthusiastically watches him as he practices. On good days, when the weather isn’t too bad, Philip will even film him for his sponsors and potential scholarship applications and he makes sure to put in a little extra effort every time. He thought this was a lone sport, something he could only do by himself, but it actually feels a little nicer when he has Philip to share it with. 

He’s only seen him practice a few times but Philip can sense what a good trial is now. He’s already that accustomed to how he rides that he can tell when something is going right or not. He’s comfortable telling him what he needs to improve on and he’s there to congratulate him with huge celebratory hugs when something goes right. 

It’s just insane to him, that two weeks ago they weren’t even speaking and now Philip is here filling some void in his life he didn’t even know he had. It was immediate and sudden but he wouldn’t change it for the world because now he actually has someone who cares about his successes and will be there with a big, easy smile whenever he has them.  
________________________________________

Him and Rose have been circling around this for months now.  
She’s been wanting to do _things_ and he’s just been putting it off and putting it off some more. He’s not entirely sure why, why he’s only kept it to kissing, but it sort of feels like he should actually do something more. He’s heard what other people his age do, and he has no doubts that Rose’s friends must talk about it too. He wonders if she has to fake stories like he does or if she tells them straight that they haven’t done anything more than a little heavy petting.  
It’s been building though, and these days kissing feels like a pit stop on the way to something more rather than a destination in and of itself like it used to be. 

She’s been hinting for days about what she wants now and he knows she’s getting restless. It’s different, seeing her take charge like this. He guesses he’s a lucky guy to have a girl who knows what she wants. He knows other guys would find it hot so he tries to find it in himself to act the same too.

He’s lucky.  
He wants to do things with her.

He repeats it to himself until the words blur in his head. He doesn’t get why his head and heart aren’t in it right now but he knows it’s something he should be doing with her so he’s going to do it. He’s lucky to have her, he wants her, and if he says it enough then he’ll be able to believe it.

He sees her wearing a skin-tight top, one so tight he could believe that she’d sewn herself into it to get it to fit. He knows she’s looking for attention in it and any guy would give it to her because all of her curves are on display. He knows he’s meant to focus on them, but it’s just a top to him. He kinda feels ashamed, that he’s not acting the way he should, but he can’t seem to force himself to do it. He knows she’s putting in effort though, that she wants a reaction from him. 

He knows that today is the day.

When he thinks about it, the fact that she’s so keen to do something with him _is_ actually kinda hot. The fact that she’s going to this effort to impress him and try to appeal to his baser instincts in order to get a rise out of him, literally, is sort of attractive. It makes him a little intrigued about what she’s hiding under her clothes because he’s never even seen her without a top on before and it’s a slight jump start in his curiosity towards her. 

She meets him outside school at the end of the day and says she wants to take him home. He’s not an idiot, he knows what that means. He just lets her lead him towards his bike, and it looks like he’s going to her house.  
They both climb on and she presses close to him. He can feel how soft she is, how her breasts squish slightly against his back, and it really should be doing something for him right now. Her hands drift across his stomach and he just tries to concentrate on getting them where they need to be in one piece.

 

They’re in her bedroom and as soon as the door closes, her top comes off. She’s wearing a blue bra and it’s accentuating his features and he can’t help but look because they’re literally right there. She looks pleased, takes it as a sign that he’s on board with whatever she wants to do. He is though, she’s his girlfriend and he wants to be with her. She kisses him, and this he knows how to do. He tries to kiss her slow but she just speeds it up. Her hands are stroking up and down his chest and it’s distracting more than anything else. He kisses her mouth open, slips his tongue inside, and she softly gasps. It makes him feel a little bit of something but he’s still not sure he enjoys it.

“I really want to suck your cock.” She gasps out, high and breathy, before kissing his neck.

Well, that was direct. Her lips are soft and she’s kissing him soft and it’s almost a tickle. It feels kinda nice though and it gets him a little bit interested in what’s going down. Her hand trails down until she reaches his crotch and she squeezes him through his jeans. It’s a little uncomfortable but he wants this. His hot girlfriend wants to do this for him and he wants it too. He focuses on her kissing his neck and he stirs a little bit. She keeps stroking up and down and he tries to interest himself in the sensations. She unzips his jeans and drops down to her knees and he guesses the show must be on the road. She pulls his jeans and underwear down and gasps a little more. 

It must be a good noise because she hasn’t pulled away or anything. She must get her tips from porn or something because he just feels really wet and it’s not doing much for him. Is this what’s meant to get guys off? Her mouth isn’t even really on him and it’s just really weird for him because he can feel her spit dripping down him and it makes him feel a little dirty in the worst way.

He’s not even half hard and he can feel her disappointment in the way she tries to touch him. It’s not helping though, no matter what she tries to do.

“I think I’m just tired babe.” He says and with the way he’s acting it should be enough for her to believe him.

She sighs but she tucks him back in and stands up. He kisses her apologetically and wraps his arms around her shoulders. 

“How about we just watch something?” He suggests.

She looks up at him and she’s pouting. He smooths his fingers over her mouth and it turns into a smile.

“Okay, but you can make it up to me later.” She’s looking all innocent but he can see in her eyes that there’s something behind it.

He has no doubt that she’s gonna hold him to that. 

He excuses himself to go to the bathroom and tries to wash himself clean down there. It makes him feel marginally better but he still doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.  
________________________________________

He goes over to Philip’s house after watching a film with Rose, because he has no idea what to do. It’s embarrassing. There’s no way he can talk to Rose about how his dick won’t work properly with her. He doesn’t get why it won’t because he knows she’s attractive. He’s straight and she’s hot and he cares about her so it should be simple. Dicks are simple. He’s touched his before, he knows that it works and how it works but it’s not working when it should be and it sucks.

Philip can help him though. Philip probably has experience with dicks. He’ll know exactly what to do. 

He knocks on Philip’s front door and his hands are shaking.  
Gabe lets him in and he looks surprisingly happy to see him.

“Lukas, we’ve heard so much about you. Are you staying for dinner tonight?”

“I don’t think so, Mr Caldwell. I just came to see Philip.”

“You can call me Gabe, Lukas. We’re all friends here. He’s in his room, just go on up.” Gabe steps out of the way so he can walk past and he almost rushes up the stairs in his haste to get to Philip. 

He needs help and he thinks Philip is the only one who can give it to him.

He doesn’t bother knocking on the door, just opens it, and Philip is lying there on the bed, eyes closed, with his earphones in. His head is moving side to side, probably in time to whatever he’s listening to, but his eyes peep open as if he can sense someone looking at him.

“I need your help.” He says and he probably let’s out how stressed he actually feels about this.

Philip sits up and takes his headphones out and he looks so concerned. If he was in a better mood he’d probably compare him to a puppy but he’s freaking out a little bit here and Philip knows it.

“What’s wrong?” He really does look concerned and it’s touching.

“I think my dick’s broken or something.”

Philip looks at him like he’s grown another head and it’s really not helping him right now.

“What do you mean?” Philip asks. He really doesn’t want to explain this but he knows he has to. 

“Rose wanted to go down on me and I couldn’t get it up.”

Philip knows he’s panicking and that’s why he’s not laughing right now but he’s not exactly helping at all.

“But you’ve got hard before right?”

He looks at him like he’s dumb, because honestly, how many teenage boys haven’t gotten hard before? It can’t be that high a number. 

“We’re friends right?” Philip says. It’s rhetorical, it has to be, because Philip knows they’re best friends. 

“Do you want advice or do you want a hand?”

His mind goes blank. There’s zero possibility Philip is suggesting what he thinks he is but he can’t focus because what if he is?

“I- I-” He can’t stop stuttering because his brain is just focused 

“It was just a dumb idea.” Philip mutters, and oh god, he was actually serious. Fuck. He’d do that for him? 

He’d heard of friends who did that kind of thing for each other, that it totally wasn’t outside the realms of possibility or even conventional friendship.  
God, they were best friends. He’d probably take a bullet for Philip. What’s a blow job in the grand scheme of things? What’s a blow job compared to a bullet?

“You’re okay doing this?” He asks, because he knows it’s huge, knows it’s not something either of them should be taking lightly even if Philip is more experienced than him. 

“If you think this would help, yeah.” Philip still isn’t judging him, but he does look worried, like he’s fragile and one small thing might spook him,

“And it’s not a gay thing.”

“Are you the one sucking dick here?” And he takes that as Philip meaning no. This isn’t gay. He’s right. It’s not gay if he’s on the receiving end, right?

“You can say no, Lukas.” Philip looks at him and there’s no expectations behind it like there is with Rose. It’s a genuine offer that he can turn down if he wanted to without offending someone. He needs to know if it works though and there’s no one else in the world he trusts more than Philip. If Philip was willing to do this for him, well it meant they were really good friends.

“How do we do this?” He asks. His hands are trembling slightly because he has no idea what to expect. He might have actually broken his dick and then what does he do? He’s so in his head that he doesn’t even notice Philip walking closer to him and dropping to his knees.

Philip lifts up his t-shirt slightly and presses soft, slow kisses to his stomach. The air feels colder than it did a few seconds ago but Philip’s mouth is heating him and goosebumps are being left in his wake. He’s nervous though, too nervous to enjoy it even though it feels good.

Philip trails his fingers back and forth against the top of his jeans, gets him used to his hands being there before he moves any lower and he’s grateful for the warning. He’s still pressing kisses there, out of the way of his hand, and he goes to slowly unbutton his jeans. He drags the zipper down and he freezes. It’s happening, this is actually happening and it’s like his brain is finally catching up with what Philip is doing.

Philip hooks his fingers in the top of his boxers but doesn’t do anything, just holds them there and waits for a sign that it’s okay to continue. He covers Philip’s hands with his own and pushes down until his jeans and underwear are mid-thigh.

He closes his eyes and counts to five. He’s never been this nervous in his life.  
“You kinda have to do some of the work here too you know.” Philip says, and he knows he’s not hard yet. His brain is blocking anything good happening and if he could just get out of his head some then maybe this could work.  
He laughs nervously and places his hand on his dick. He probably tugs a little too hard and a little too fast, over-eager to get things started. It doesn’t do anything, just hurts slightly, and he’s embarrassed all over again. He knew something was wrong with his dick and this just shows he was right. He tries to stroke a little harder, his anger and embarrassment transferring to the fist flying over him and nothing is happening and he’s just getting more and more frustrated.  
Philip lightly rests his hand around Lukas’ wrist, fingers falling to form a loose circle around it, a casual request for him to stop what he’s doing.  


“Don’t overthink it, okay. Just close your eyes.”

Lukas closes his eyes and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. This wasn’t going to work. This was definitely pushing things way too far. He was almost ready to call the whole thing off but then he felt the slightest of pressure at the head of his dick, and oh, that almost felt nice. Light presses of lips against the tip to get him used to the sensations and he feels his shoulders sag, body adhering to the effects of gravity and trying to sink closer to Philip, not that he's thinking about it being Philip but-  
Just as he's getting used to one sensation suddenly he feels hot open mouthed kisses slowly travelling from the tip to his base and oh god, that really truly is something. He can't help the surprised breath he lets out, halfway to a moan. it feels so good that his body can't help but react. His dick starts filling out and he can almost feel someone smirking at that fact. Asshole. This is what he wanted and as warmth and soft pressure graze his length he really cannot complain at where this could be going.  
His dick is enveloped in warm, wet heat and his mind just whites out. His self-control is crumbling, giving way almost as quick as his knees and a hand grasps his hip to steady him. Half of him wishes he wasn't such a virgin about this, knowing he isn't gonna last long at all, but the other half, getting to experience this for the first time is incredible. There’s suction and a flick of a tongue on the underside, slow and insistent and nothing has ever felt this good before.  


“Fuck” he groans out, body shuddering. He barely has a hold on himself, needs something to grab before he drops to the floor. They must have a sixth sense or something because soft fingertips are nudging at the crook of his elbow, pushing it towards them, guiding his hand until it lands in their hair. He fists it, helping to balance himself and they moan. The vibrations travel down his dick and pleasure coils at the base. It fuels him to chase the warmth, bask in the sensations over and over, and he disentangles his fingers so he can wrap them deeper into their hair and pull a little harder. They moan again, more guttural this time, and it gets him feeling so hot. Those vibrations feel just as good as they did the first time and he just needs. They twist their tongue around him, quick and then slow, always keeping him guessing what’s coming next, and it’s completely overwhelming him.

They keep uttering little moans, ones that have him barrelling towards the edge, but he can’t help but notice in the back of his mind that this sounds nothing like how Rose sounded.  
This is just a mouth and hair long enough to hold onto and nothing about this is gay. It’s not like he’s the one with a dick inside him. It’s not gay at all. In fact, it’s probably the opposite of gay. Getting someone to do this for him is totally awesome and powerful and if he can get some guy to do it willingly instead of a girl, well that's even more impressive. Totally not gay.  
The fact that someone is moaning around his dick, that at the back of his mind he knows it's a guy, a guy getting off on getting him off, well that's gay. If someone else is being gay with him that doesn't make him gay. That's definitely all on the other person.  
It’s not gay, it’s just a mouth.  
A really really good mouth.  
He doesn’t have to think about this being a guy if he doesn’t want to, so he doesn’t.  
His knees are still shaking, constantly on the edge of buckling but he has hair to hold onto, something solid to cling to, and it makes standing up a little easier. Everything else is harder, much harder to control, and he doesn’t think he’s ever needed to come this much in his life before.

Their head bobs back and forth and it feels so good. Then fingers stroke along him slightly and it amplifies every sensation and takes the breath right out of his lungs. Fingers trail down and cup his balls, squeezing, coaxing him to come and he can’t deny them. It hits him hard and fast and he has to bring a hand to his mouth to muffle his moans. 

They swallow and keep swallowing until he finishes coming. They lick up his slit, cleaning him up, and he trembles slightly as they do. If he hadn’t just come it’d be enough to set him off.  
“I think your dick works.” Philip grins at him and he wipes at the side of his mouth with his thumb before sucking the pad of it into his mouth.

“Fuck, you’re good at that.” He exhales and falls back onto the bed. His mind’s still slow but he zeroes in on that finger and that mouth and it’s almost enough for his dick to twitch. God, he came in that mouth, and they were so hungry for it that they had to get every last drop they could. It’s so hot that he thinks he could go again and it’s a complete 180 to what happened yesterday that it leaves his head spinning. 

Maybe his dick wasn’t defective and it was just Rose’s technique or something. He guessed it was her first time doing it and maybe she didn’t know the right tricks or something and that’s why he couldn’t _perform_ properly. It actually makes perfect sense, that he might not be attracted to her inexperience. Some people didn’t find that hot, and maybe he just needed her to know what she was doing for him to enjoy it. It makes total sense. Practice makes perfect though, and the only way she could actually get good at it would be for her to practice on him.

He tucks himself back into his boxers and zips up his jeans and he’s just lying there on the bed, slightly paralyzed, because he has no idea what the hell he’s meant to do next. Does he leave? Do they hang out? 

“Did that help?” Philip asks, and it’s more tentative than he was expecting.

“Yeah.” He says, and he has to clear his throat because it feels like there’s something trapped there.

“Cool.” He replies, and there’s a beat of silence. 

“You wanna go for a ride?” Philip asks, and his bones sink into the bed because he actually can’t think of anything he wants more than that.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” It’s softer and happier this time because he knows things won’t be awkward between them. As long as he has Philip as his friend and enough fuel in the tank of his bike then he should be fine.  
________________________________________  
“You should come to my next competition. I know it isn’t your thing but it’d be, uh, nice if you’d come. Cool if you were there.” And it would be. 

It’d been a couple of weeks since _the incident_ and things weren’t awkward at all. It almost felt as if they were closer than they were before. It didn’t feel even half as weird as he thought it would.  
They were back by the lake, in what had now become one of their spots, his bike parked up in the distance.

He liked hanging with Philip and he wanted him to see him in his element. He didn’t really want to admit it but he sort of preferred spending time with Philip nowadays over Rose. It was almost like he was trying too hard with her for a connection when a different kind of connection came so easily to him and Philip. It made sense that he’d rather do something easy than something hard. Philip was there and he was supportive and fit him in ways he didn’t know another person could. He was better when Philip was there, better at riding and better at putting in an effort and just better in general. He knew if Philip was there he could win. He’d do that for him.

“I’ll be there.” Philip says, and he smiles, and he really had no doubts that he would be there, cheering him on. 

“It’s this Saturday. I’ll pick you up.” He says. It’d be nice if everything in life was as easy as everything with Philip was. 

“I’ll be your lucky rabbit’s foot.”

“If I have you, I won’t need anything else.” Because if he has his best friend by his side, someone who believes in him so ardently, then how could he ever go wrong?

A strange look drifts across Philip’s face but then he’s smiling and it’s so pure that he can’t help but smile in return. 

“I’ll be there.” He repeats, and he’s positive he will be.

 

Philip is there, smiling at him like he doesn’t want to be anywhere else in the world, and it warms him inside. His dad is around somewhere, managed to carve out some time in his busy schedule to watch him, but that doesn’t matter. Philip is here, and if he’s anything like he is during practice, he knows he can win this. 

He looks around and he knows it’s almost time to start, can feel the excitement in the air. He turns back to Philip but he just nods, and he’s never met someone so perceptive in his entire life. It’s ‘good luck’ and ‘I believe in you’ rolled into one and he can feel it. They’re so attuned to one another now that he knows exactly what it means. He’s never known anyone like this in his entire life. The fact that he has someone like this on his side today means he can’t go wrong. Philip believes in him so he has to believe in himself too. He believes in Philip, trusts him explicitly, and if Philip is here then that means everything. 

He pushes his bike to the starting line and takes a deep breath.  
He’s got this.

He climbs on and settles himself and feels at home. He belongs here, a powerful machine beneath him, and he feels good about it before he’s even started. He starts the engine and grips the throttle. He’s determined. He’s going to win and he won’t settle for anything else. 

He hears them signal the start of the race and he’s off. He’s practiced, he’s worked his ass off to be good enough to win this and he knows it. He can do this if he tries hard enough. 

He knows it’s unrealistic, that the sound of the engine and the blood rushing in his ears drowns out any other sound, but he swears he can hear Philip. Philip is so loud and he’s shouting and it motivates him like nothing else he’s ever known. It helps, makes him feel invincible and worth something, and he can do this for him. He can win for him. He presses on and he tries to focus on the earth beneath him and every trick he’s ever managed to pull during practice. 

It’s over before he knows it.  
He wins. Easily.

He comes to a sudden stop, applies the brakes, and he can distantly hear them announce his name. He knows he should be up there being celebrated and congratulated but that doesn’t matter. He did this for Philip. He did this because of Philip. He needs to find him. He knows where he is, can hear his voice over everyone else’s and he’s shouting his encouragements even now and it’s one of the best things he’s ever heard. He rushes over him because he needs to share this moment with him as soon as possible. He runs and finds Philip and wraps his arms around him, tight and secure and so so happy. He pulls away and he can’t help his smile but he knows he wouldn’t have been able to do this without him. 

His hand is on Philip’s shoulder and he’s staring right at him because he needs him to get this. 

“I told you I only needed you.” He’s still smiling and it’s incredible that he actually did this. He squeezes Philip’s shoulder and runs back to the stage, to where everyone is waiting for him, so he can collect his trophy. 

He’s up there and looking down at everyone and they’re all so happy for him. It’s exhilarating. His eyes search the crowd for his dad and he sees him near the back, a proud, understated look on his face. It’s something, and he’s going to remember that for a long time because it’s something he sees so rarely. He looks back at Philip, knows immediately where he is, and he’s still smiling more than he’s ever seen him smile before. He lifts his trophy towards him, because he earned this just as much, and the warmth and pride blossoms on his face too. 

He thinks that’s one of his favourite looks in the world.

He needs to get Philip something to thank him. 

 

It takes a few weeks but he saves up every last cent he possibly can.  
He goes out and buys Philip a helmet, his own that he can keep.

It takes way longer to get the money together to buy it than it actually does to choose it. He walks in the store, looks at the helmets and sees the one immediately. It’s like his, mostly white, but with a few thin stripes of blue and it just calls to him. It’s Philip’s before it’s even his and he feels like that applies to a lot of things in his life. 

He gets that if this was for anyone else it’d be way too much, that decent helmets, ones like this, cost an absolute bomb. He didn’t care. That win was just as much Philip’s as it was his and it was an important win. It got him better sponsors and more recognition and he would never have been able to have done it without him.

He takes it home, and he knows it’s kinda sad but he feels a little bit proud of himself. He never has been good at having friends but this feels like a step in the right direction and he hopes Philip gets how much he appreciates everything he does for him.

He texts him to come over and he smiles a little to himself. He knows Philip will like it, just sense it, and he feels good about getting something right for once.  
He goes downstairs, taking the helmet with him. He knows Philip wouldn’t just walk into his house, that he’s secretly way too polite to do anything like that, so he keeps an ear out for the door. He puts the helmet down, out of sight of wherever Philip might be so he can keep it a secret as long as possible.

He makes himself a drink and sits down, something to occupy himself whilst he waits. He drums his fingers on the table and isn’t it funny how time seems to move slower when you’re waiting for something. He drains his glass too quick, and he’s up and out of his chair to get another drink when the door finally goes. 

He walks over and opens the door and Philip is there, elbow resting on the frame, looking coolly nonchalant. He’s a little bit jealous of his natural swagger but then there’s a small smile on his face and it’s just too easy to make fun of him.

“Alright there, James Dean?” And he kinda wants to snort a little because Philip is just too ridiculous in the best ways.

“The actor or the porn star?” Philip asks. He somehow manages to almost choke on his own spit at that but he quickly recovers.

“Whoever the lamest one is.” He says and he’s half tempted to stick his tongue out at him.

“Joke’s on you because they’re both cool.”

Philip follows him into the house and it honestly feels kinda natural for him to be here.

“Go into the kitchen. I got something for you.”

Philip looks curious but does as he’s told. He goes and gets the helmet and just takes a second to look at it. He smiles to himself and tries to hide it behind his back.  
He goes into the kitchen and Philip just looks at him, cryptic and prying. 

He brings the arm holding the helmet in front of him and presents it to Philip.

“I got you this, for being my cheerleader. It’s yours to keep.”

Philip takes the helmet and just looks at it for a second, turning it so he can see the entire design. He looks back up at him and places the helmet on the table next to him. He’s not saying anything and he’s starting to worry that he’s done something wrong but then he’s hauled into a hug and it’s one of the most meaningful ones he’s ever had. Philip is holding his head with one hand, other palm flat against the base of his shoulders and they’re swaying side to side. He sighs into it, goes slightly boneless, and he twists his head until his nose rests in Philip’s hair. It’s so peaceful and warm and he knows Philip is saying everything he can’t in words. He did good.

Philip pulls away and then punches his arm. He totally wasn’t expecting it and it actually stings a little because of that.

“This is too much, asshole. I know how much these things cost.”

“I couldn’t have won without you. You deserve it.” He’s as sincere as he’s ever learnt to be.

Philip looks at him like this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him in his life. Like he’s never been told he deserves something good before and it breaks his heart a little bit. 

“Thanks.” Philip says, eyes downcast, fingers stroking over the top of the helmet.

He squeezes Philip’s shoulder and it’s all they need to say to each other.

________________________________________

Him and Philip hang out all the time now, the days drifting together until they’ve been friends a month. It feels like two seconds and a lifetime all at once. It’s more comfortable than any relationship he’s ever had in his life.

He’s over at his house and it’s quickly becoming his second home, he’s here that often. He’s still never stayed long enough for dinner though.

“I’m not really feeling hanging out with Rose.” He’s lying on Philip’s bed and he just feels kind of tired. It’s more of an emotional exhaustion than anything else because now he’s given Rose a hint of something she’s grown moreish and wants it all. He’s still not sure on it, not at the moment, and it’s getting harder for him to come up with excuses why. Being tired from training is just not cutting it anymore.

“Why not?”

“She wants to have sex.” He says and he knows it shouldn’t be a big deal but it doesn’t stop it from feeling like one to him.

“Why’s that a problem?” Philip’s so matter of fact about it but he’s not judging or anything.

“I don’t know how.” It’s the first thing that comes into his mind and although it’s the truth, it’s not the truth that he wanted to say. He doesn’t know how to say he’s not really interested though because he doesn’t know why he’s not interested. He thinks he is in theory, but when it gets to actually doing it he just doesn’t seem to be. 

“Lukas, what are you asking for?” Philip asks and it’s slightly exasperated but more searching than anything else. He sits up because he needs to look at Philip, because honestly, what? He doesn’t know what Philip thinks is happening here.

“I’m not asking for anything.” And he feels like it’s the truth because he isn’t asking for anything. At least he doesn’t think he is. Maybe some help somehow, some advice, but nothing major.

His eyes narrow and it’s like he doesn’t believe him, like he’s already come to his own conclusions and he’s hearing what he wants to.

“Do you want to practice?”

“What?” He asks, because that really sounds like Philip has added two and two and got thirty-seven because when did he ever imply that he wanted that?

“Is that why you came here? Because you wanted to try it out first? Like you did last time.” Philip still has his eyes narrowed. That’s not fair at all though. He offered last time. He brought it up this time and he doesn’t get what’s happening here.

“Do you want to practice?” He asks Philip and it’s the only thing that makes sense to him because Philip brought it up.

“You want me to.” Philip says and it’s completely wild. He has no idea where he’s getting this from.  
But-

But if Philip wanted to practice then-

He helped last time. It worked.  
Maybe he could help this time too.

They’re just looking at each other and he knows he’s breathing heavier, knows Philip can probably see the cogs turning in his head as he considers this.  
God, why is he considering this?

It’s practice though. It’s not real. It’s just figuring things out, a trial run. It’s just like motocross training, just preparing himself and figuring out what he can do and how his body works, how it can handle things.

It doesn’t have to mean anything.

“It doesn’t make me gay.” He says, because he’s not. If this is practice and it isn’t real, doesn’t mean anything, then it can’t make him gay.

“It’s just practicing.” Philip says, and he sounds so sure that he has no choice but to believe him.

This isn’t gay.

“Get ready and close your eyes.” Philip says to him. He reaches under his pillow and gets something, pocketing it and going out the door.

He hates sometimes how much Philip knows him because he didn’t even agree to it with words but Philip still knew.  
He had a choice in this, he could just walk out the door right now and forget this ever happened, but he stays rooted to where he is and he knows he’s already made his decision.

Fuck.  
They were really gonna do this.

He takes his clothes off slowly and it almost feels like this isn’t his life, that this could all be a dream, because there was no way he could have imagine this happening when he woke up this morning.

He can feel himself get hard despite himself. It happens quicker than he was expecting and it must be the anticipation of the unknown or something because he honestly didn’t think that he actually could go through with it. His dick seems to be making the decisions for him and that’s probably a good thing in this case. If he wanted to practice he needed to be able to actually get hard and his entire body seemed to be on board with it. He’s down to just his boxers when he can sense a creak outside the door. He closes his eyes and he can hear Philip slip inside. With his sight blinded, it seems like all his other senses enhance. Maybe he’s just focusing more but he can hear every step Philip takes, can hear every piece of clothing drop to the floor as he takes them off and his breath hitches in time with the sounds. His dick is straining his boxers now and he needs to get out of them. Immediately.  
He raises his hips and slides them off as quickly as possible so he can get back to hearing him undress. There’s no more sounds, no more soft thuds, and he knows Philip must be naked now.  
His heart is practically in his throat.

“I’m ready.” Philip says, and it’s almost funny because he’s not sure he could ever be ready for this. 

He can feel Philip behind him, can feel the dip in the bed just over from him where he’s settled down, and it makes his heart race, a fast rhythm he has no chance of controlling. He turns around, opens his eyes, and takes in what’s in front of him.  
Philip has shortish hair, but it’s long enough to be a girl's, and the slight curvature of his waist to his hips gives him a certain femininity. He isn’t making any part of his masculinity overly obvious and it didn't take too much effort on Lukas' part to forget that this was a dude he doing this with. He gripped a hold of one hip, soft and smooth in his hand, maybe hard enough to bruise. He looked down at the ass in front of him, just inches from his dick, the sweet swell of it just begging to be touched. He trailed his other hand down to rest on it, palm flat against the right hand cheek, and squeezed. A sharp intake of breath came from below him but he wasn't even paying attention. God how could he have never touched this before? It was ripe and full and he was overwhelmed by the urge to spank it, see if it would jiggle a little, if it could take the force of what he could give to it. He'd never been interested in that before, the thought hadn't even crossed his mind, but here he was practically going insane over the idea of it. That wasn't the reason why he was naked and hard right now. He extends his thumb to the edge of the cheek and pulls. That hole looks so tight and he never stopped to consider how dirty this might make him feel. He was gonna fuck someone in the ass. He was going to stick his dick in someone's ass. He'd never really done something this forbidden, this socially taboo before, and honestly it was kinda thrilling. He knew other people did it, that he wouldn't be the first person to try this by far, but maybe he'd be the first person in his class to do it. He feels like he could be a sexual pioneer but as he's staring at this hole he can't help but be reminded of how inexperienced he actually is. There's no way he can fit in there, no way it could possibly give to let him in, and now he has no idea what he's doing. He's not enough of an asshole to want to cause someone pain by sticking his dick in there but also he really wants to know what it feels like. They must get impatient with his indecision though because a hand comes behind and rests on the back of his thigh, pushing him forward until his dick touches the space below the hole. Right. He's doing this. Totally gonna do this now. He grabs a hold of his dick, left hand still attached to their hip to steady himself as he pushes in. And it gives. Oh god does it give. He slowly sinks in and he's never experienced anything as right around his dick before. He's greedy and wants to rush this but he also can't help but savor it. He's gonna commit this feeling to memory, revisit it when he's all alone and he can't help but think dirty thoughts. Fuck he thought blow jobs were incredible but this was an entirely different league, a different game altogether. As he is sinking in it almost felt like he was coming home, like his body was made for this and the body beneath him was made just for him. Shaky breaths come from the both of them as Lukas was completely buried, every inch inside the snuggest space his dick had ever been in. Hand jobs were never going to cut it now and it'd only been ten seconds. He felt like he'd run a marathon and he was more than tempted to drape himself on the other person and just get a control over his dick and his heart and his breathing and all of his senses. His head was dizzy, all the blood flooding from his head to his dick. He had truly never been harder in his life and he wondered what it must feel like for them. To have all of him inside of them. Did it feel strange? Did it feel good? He wasn't entirely sure when he was meant to start moving, again, totally not an asshole when it comes to sex and hurting people. They gave him a clue though when they slowly pulled off his dick and then slammed back down. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is sex? This is beyond what he could ever imagine and it was only just starting. They moved again and slammed back down and it still felt incredible, so incredible he had to chase it and his hips snapped into action, pulling out and driving in, again and again. Shit he was pursuing the most exhilarating high he'd ever had and how the fuck was this legal? How was something that felt this good actually something that he could have? He's exerting so much effort, bodies covered in a sheen of sweat around where they're joined that he slips slightly, changes the angle that he's going in at. There's a seriously sensual, satisfied groan from beneath him. He comes to an immediate stop and the body beneath him stills too. Nobody moves and honestly, what the fuck was that? His immediate thought it to pull out and just stop this whole thing now, this is getting way too gay, way too fast. But. They're enjoying it. He's giving someone pleasure, is actually good at sex, and if he's this good on his first time and practice makes perfect then he'll be an expert in no time. Plus, it is kinda hot to hear someone vocally appreciate him like that. That's not gay, it's just him doing a good job and being rewarded for it. Totally not gay. He could be wrong though so he's gotta test it. It could totally be super gay and he's just trying to kid himself because he thought it felt good.

"Make that noise again."

He thrusts back in a few times, tries to keep the pace he had before but he's just getting little huffs from the other person.

"Angle a bit lower." they say quietly, and so fast he almost didn't have time to catch it. He stops for a second, tries to think of the best way he can change how he's going on and keep it up for the longest amount of time. If he's gonna do this he's gonna do it right and prove that he really can be good at pleasing someone.

Yeah, that's how he can do it.

He drags his hand from their left hip round to their stomach and hauls them up, their back pressed to his front. Stomachs aren't gay though. They're even soft there and this could totally be anyone, totally be a girl and it really isn't gay. In this position, that curvy ass is pressed right up against his dick in all it's beautiful glory and it feels so so hot. How in the hell did he not have this idea before? He grabs a hold of his dick with his right hand and presses back in. He must do something right, better than before, because that's a definite moan there. Fuck it's a moan and it's hot and all he can feel is soft skin and all he can hear is how much this person wants him and it's so so good. He just wants more, needs more or he won't feel whole.

He keeps pressing back inside, keeps his movements slow and deliberate and hard and so precious. There's just choked, hidden whimpers from the other person now. It's clear that they're holding back and that's just not good enough.

"Be loud baby. I wanna hear you."

He punctuates that with another precise thrust where he thinks he's meant to be and there's that moan, the loudest it's ever been and so damn divine. God he never knew it could be so hot to get someone else off. Before it was always just something you did to get something in return, but this was on a completely different level. If sex was like this every time, then he was never gonna stop. He trembled as that noise echoed through his head.

"Do that again. Fuck, you're driving me crazy."

His hips snapped up of their own accord, hunting that noise and the heat and the unrelenting pressure on his dick. They moaned again and it was so so hot, them practically keening from his relentless pace. Then their ass tightened around him and he practically saw stars. He groaned, his hand on their stomach temporarily making a fist as his mind tried to process the utter fucking incredible pressure on his dick. Shit he thought it was tight before. There was no way he was gonna last long at all, he was more than surprised that he'd lasted this long. If his dick wasn't gonna hold out much longer then he definitely had to make the most of it. He unclenched his hand and pressed more insistently on their stomach, pushing them even closer together until they were fully against each other front to back. It didn't offer him a lot of room to thrust and he tried to maneuver it, get the best possible angle and power to plunge in but he just couldn't. They were too close now and he had to settle for slow rolls of his hips. It still felt good but it was just too slow to get him off. The other person could probably tell, possibly sense his frustration because they arched their back, head resting on his shoulder and lifted their ass partially off his dick before returning home where they belonged. Yes. That was it. That was what he needed. They moaned and clearly that was what they needed too. God they were so flexible and Lukas was feeling so so lust drunk just taking everything their body had to offer him. They were both in time with each other, Lukas thrusting forward and them thrusting back, meeting in the middle and the slapping of their skin colliding was intoxicating. He wasn't even aware of what he was doing anymore, had completely given himself over to his pleasure, but he was kissing up their neck. He licked up to their earlobe and they tasted of salted skin. It should have been gross as hell, but it was just a physical reminder of what they were doing, how much effort they were exerting trying to give each other as much pleasure as possible, and that just made it incredibly hot. He took their earlobe between his teeth and bit it gently. Their choked off surprised moan made his skin feel even hotter. He needed more, needed this person to enjoy themselves as much as possible because then he'd know exactly what to do with other girls and he'd be so so good. He'd be able to fuck thousands of them if he wanted and honestly what's straighter than giving a ton of girls pleasure? But he had this one, this person with him right now, and it wasn't fair to think about other girls in their presence. He kissed back down their neck and they were fucking him back so good, giving as much as they got if not more. He was losing his damn mind here and he was so close to coming that he could almost taste it. He bit down slightly on their neck and they moaned even harder. He could practically feel their eyes roll back in unbridled pleasure as their head lolled back ever so slightly.

"Lu- fuck"

Yes. Yes, baby, fuck indeed. Tell me how much you want me; he thinks to himself. He sucks down harder and they moan harder and it's just an endless cycle of sucking and fucking. He's on the precipice now, barely stopping himself from coming even though he wants to drag this out forever. His thrusts become more erratic and they must know he's gonna come any second too because they speed up how quick they're slamming down to meet him and it’s just game over. He comes and bites down on their neck and they just go silent and rigid beneath him. His mind is going a mile a minute now and his blood is rushing in his ears. He's never been this tired in his life. He's never been a lot of things in his life like he is now, feels like he's been reborn, sex turning him inside out and changing him forever. No one ever described it as mind-blowing as this. Maybe no one had ever had it like this before. No one persevering enough to find that perfect balance. It's like he's whole and empty at the same time, completely out of energy but full of love and he knows it's just the hormones talking but he's never felt this good in his life. He pulls out, trying to be mindful of being slow and careful, and slumps down on the bed. He closes his eyes and just lays there, tries to regain everything he lost and come back to reality. It takes him a few minutes but then he opens his eyes again and adjusts to the light in the room. It's darker than he remembers, clearly they were at it a long time, and he shouldn't be as proud of that fact as he is. He looks over and Philip is dressed. He suddenly feels uncharacteristically shy because what if he's looking at him. I mean that would be on Philip for being gay but he shouldn't exactly encourage it. He gets off the bed and picks his boxers off the floor, sliding into them. There. That's better. He turns round to look at Philip and immediately zones in on the dark, angry, almost purple mark on his neck. Shit. He did that to Philip. He did that to Philip when he was fucking Philip. God it was going so well and then he had to do something stupid like that. If he was fucking Philip, then... He looks down at Philip's crotch and he very clearly does not have a hard on. If Lukas didn't know any better then he'd say he almost felt disappointed at that fact, but why would he feel disappointed? He doesn't want Philip to have a boner because of him, that's just too gay for him to deal with right now. He turns back around and angrily picks up his clothes, shoves them on his body haphazardly in his rush to just get the fuck out of there. He gets dressed in record time and heads to the door. He looks back at Philip who is just staring at him.

"You should get something to cover that." he says, head gesturing at his neck. He pulls open the door, walks out before Philip can answer, and slams it behind him. It doesn't make him feel any better.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Honestly why did he do that? How did he convince himself that that was an okay thing to do? He tugs on his clothes, makes sure he's all in place before he steps out of Philip's house. No one but them needed to know what the hell just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i totally didn't realise i was getting to the smut this early, but hey, surprise!  
> fun fact for you; the working title for this fic (which is still the file name for it) was 'smut by numbers' and i hope you might be able to see why that's the case
> 
>  
> 
> also, just a warning, but the next chapter has more awkward hetero relations. please don't hate me for it. i promise you it's nowhere near as detailed as these scenes and it serves a purpose story-wise
> 
>  
> 
> don't worry though, i'll repay you in more philkas/waldenshea smut


	3. Chapter 3

Once he'd calmed down some he remembered the reasons why he did it. It wasn't gay. Yes, he fucked someone in the ass, but that didn't make it gay. It was just exactly like doing it with a girl so how could it be gay? It was the exact same parts so it didn't make a difference. He was still 100% straight and that gave him some comfort. Plus, now he had some experience, know he knew what girls liked and if he did some of that stuff with Rose then he could please her and he could be a really good boyfriend to her. There was nothing straighter than dating one of the hottest girls in school and wanting to show her exactly what his dick could do.  
He needed to have a shower. He could still feel Philip all over him, could practically smell him even with his clothes on. He couldn’t go see Rose like this and it's weird how Philip can purify him but leave him feeling dirtier than ever. He’s probably still thinking with his dick, still having residual feelings from coming that hard because there’s no actual way that banging a guy could feel like something holy but that’s what his dick is trying to tell his brain.  
It’s just not rational.  


It takes him longer than he’d like to get home, his thoughts wrestling with his body, making him amble home. He feels sluggish and it’s not just from what he did. He feels all confused, it’s running deep in his bones, and no one had ever prepared him for the coming down from sex. He’d only ever seen it look like fun and games and how is it fair that he’s left feeling empty like this and he has nothing to show for it.  
He’s in the shower and it’s hot, way hotter than it needs to be but he’s glad it is, wants it hot enough to hurt because that’s what he deserves right now. His head’s a mess and he doesn’t know what to think but he just wants everything to stop so he can breathe a second.  


He grabs the shower gel and starts scrubbing everywhere, desperate to get the dried sweat off him, any evidence of what he just did. Fuck Philip. Fuck Philip and his stupid, hot ass. Fuck Philip and the way he can take dick like nothing he's even seen before. Fuck Philip and the way his moans could bring the strongest of people to their knees. Fuck Philip.  


God, he wanted to. As fucked up as that was, he wanted to fuck him again.  


His dick has swelled, painfully hard, and he hates himself for it but he can’t seem to help touching himself. Flashes of Philip writhing underneath him pop into his mind and he hates it, hates that it’s getting him off. He doesn’t actually want Philip himself, not in the slightest, but when he even tries to substitute Philip out for someone else his mind just snaps back to him. It’s not fair at all that his mind and dick seem to want different things but he’s exhausted so he just keeps stroking himself and hating himself a little bit more with every second that he does.

He strokes harder and faster and it feels so good he can’t help but moan. He’s imagining Philip riding him, grinding his ass down on his dick and squeezing so he’s extra tight and it’s one of the hottest things he’s ever had in his head. He’s practically pulsing, he’s that close, but he’s disgusted with himself because he’s not gay. Here he is getting off to a guy anyway. 

He can’t stop.

He starts crying.

He’s still picturing Philip and he’s moaning in his head and it’s so loud there he can almost hear it and it gets him going so much. He’s bucking up into his hand just like he’s bucking up into Philip in his mind and he just _needs_ this like he hasn’t needed before. It just makes him cry harder and as he comes he’s almost breaking down. It leaves him feeling sated but there’s this horrible hole in the pit of his stomach. 

He shuts the water off and sinks down to the floor. He wraps his arms around his legs and rocks back and forth a little. He doesn’t know what’s happening, doesn’t know why his body is betraying him this way but he hates it. He can’t help but cry and he feels ashamed because of it. He rarely lets emotions get to him like this but he’s just so so confused. 

He pulls himself together and picks himself up. He drags himself out the shower, doesn’t bother to dry himself or put clothes on and just trudges to his bed.  
If he had the energy he’d probably cry some more right now, but he doesn’t, so instead he sends a quick text to Rose saying he can’t come over and just gets under the covers. Hopefully he’ll better in the morning. Knowing his luck, he’ll feel worse.  
________________________________________  
Philip did not get something to cover it up with. It bores holes into him, angry and conspiratorial. He can't focus on anything else and it feels like he has a neon sign above his head, arrows pointing to him saying he was the one that did it, he was the one who fucked Philip. There's not though, no one knows it's him, and it's not like they're going to try and identify him by his teeth or something. Other than basic curiosity, no one really cares who Philip got it from, but they can all jump to their own conclusions, and no one is gonna think it's him.  


“Morning. Have a good night?” He knows Philip is saying it innocent enough, that anyone walking by would take it at face value but he can hear the secret in his voice, can hear the way he's saying ‘I know what you look like naked, I know what you feel like when you come’. He kinda wants to punch him. He doesn't need reminding, not when Philip is right there, and not when he's got a huge brand of what they did.  


“It looks like you did.” If Philip is gonna bite him he's gonna bite right back. There's no way he can take back what he did, no matter if he wanted to or not. He may hate himself a little bit for it right now, but it was helpful, and it felt good. He thinks that's what he's hung up on the most, that some part of him actually enjoyed it.  


He's fixated on it in class. Philip is sitting to his right, just like he always does, and it's giving him the perfect view of the mark he left. He can't stop looking it and he has no idea what his teacher or anyone else is even saying because he just can't stop staring. Philip’s probably definitely aware of it but he doesn't care because that mark won't stop taunting him. He can feel his dick filling out and it makes him sick to his stomach that he's reacting to this, reacting to it in public where anyone could see. He can't stop it though and god he thought it was some stupid thing girls said when they said guys think with their dicks and sex is constantly on their mind but he needs to give them more credit because they're so right.  
His knee jerks out and brushes against Philip’s leg and it feels electric, pulses stroking across his body and he can't help the sharp intake of breath he takes. He balls his hand into a fist on the table and Philip has definitely noticed now because he's looking right at him. He lifts his gaze from Philip’s neck to his face and Philip must see something in his eyes because he looks down at his lips and then down at his crotch and he bites his lip. His eyes lift back up and he can see how quickly his pupils blow and he's still biting his lip and it's just way too much. He feels sick to his stomach because he shouldn't be finding this attractive but his dick and his mind are clearly at war and he just needs it to stop.  


Philip’s caught him and he's embarrassed and way too turned on and he turns to face the front because he just can't look at him right now, not when he's feeling like this. He can feel Philip still looking at him and he wants to turn around and face him so bad but he doesn't get why. He's so acutely aware of how close they are, how his thigh could be pressed against Philip’s so so easily if he wanted that and it's not helping matters at all.  


God, he needs to get laid.  


He’s only acting like this because he needs to have sex, with Rose. His hormones are just out of it and reacting to the warmth of Philip’s body and the connection he has with him. It doesn't mean anything. It’s only because he kinda had a good time last night but he wasn't thinking about it being Philip, he was imagining it was a girl,  
He wills himself to stop thinking about it and focus on something as boring as whatever is being taught to him and it almost works.  
He needs to see Rose. Tonight.  
________________________________________  
He finds Rose outside school at the end of the day. He walks up to her and kisses her like his life depends on it. He can tell she's surprised but she takes it, enjoys it too if the soft hands on his neck are any indication. He hopes she understands what this is, a prelude to sex, an invitation.

“What was that for?” She asks, and of course she doesn’t get it because when has he ever been forward in his life with her.

“I want you to come over tonight.” He says. Her eyelids dip and she looks up at him coyly, and yeah, she gets it now.

“Yeah? Tonight?” 

“Yeah. I’ll try and find some candles and make it romantic for you.”

“Aw, you’re such a good boyfriend.” She says before kissing him.

And no, he’s probably not, but she doesn’t know that. He kisses her back and heads over to his bike.  
He needs to dig up candles and a will to actually do this before she comes over. 

 

He couldn’t find many, just a few shitty cheap tealights, but he’s managed to find something and he hopes it’s enough for her.

He closes the curtains until they’re barely open. It’s pretty dark save for the light from the candles at it relaxes him a little. He’s still freaking out about what he’s meant to wear, how he’s meant to act and where his hands are meant to go but he guesses he’ll figure it out.

She lets herself in and she’s wearing that tight top again. It must be one of her favourites and it looks nice on her.

“Lukas, this is beautiful.” She says. She must really want this if a few candles can impress her but he doesn’t say anything. He walks over to her and kisses her and she moans back, eager as all hell. She puts her hands at his shoulders and pushes his shirt off him. She stops kissing him so she can slide out of her clothes and he takes it as his queue to do the same. 

She climbs onto the bed on her hands and knees and he gets flashbacks to the last time he was naked with someone like this.  
His dick twitches.  
No. Philip was practice and this was real and he has no place in this room or in his thoughts.

She turns over so she’s lying on her back on the bed and she looks kinda beautiful like this. She’s pretty, there’s nothing wrong with her body, and she’s just waiting for him. 

He climbs on top of her and starts kissing her again, hands exploring and getting used to her naked skin.  
She’s doing the same to him too. 

“I’m ready, Lukas.” She says, and he tries desperately not to think of Philip any more than he already has.

He enters her, slowly as he can so he doesn’t hurt her, and pushes through the slight resistance.

He closes his eyes and tries to focus on the sensations of him going in and out. He’s focussing that much that his eyes are scrunching up but if he’s lucky he can write it off as him really enjoying himself.  
It doesn’t feel like it did last time and his body is taking that as it being wrong.

No.  
Being with girls is right and being with anything but is wrong. 

He pushes through and he knows he’s gotta angle just right to make this good for her.  
If he’s doing this he might as well do his best.

He changes how he enters her, ever so slightly each time, until her nails press into his back.

“There. Shit, there. Don’t stop.”

His dad can probably hear her and it should embarrass him but if his dad knows he’s not a virgin any more then maybe he’ll be proud of him.  
It’s another reason why he should do this.

He keeps going in and out, settles into a rhythm that feels good for her and he just tries to let go.  
It’s hard, takes way more effort than he did last time, he’s nowhere near to busting as quick as he did before, but he manages to get there in the end.

He comes but it feels empty and nowhere near as good as it was last time.  
Maybe he just has performance anxiety or something.

He rolls off of her and lies on his back, just stares at the ceiling because that didn’t feel anything like he thought it would. She leans over and kisses his cheek before settling down against his chest. He can feel her smiling, and at least she’s happy.

“That was incredible.” 

“Yeah.” He says, because what else is he meant to say?

“We should do that again like right now.” She sounds way too enthusiastic and it’s absolutely rubbing him up the wrong way.

“No!” He really can’t do it again so soon but she’s just looking at him confused and he needs to scramble for something else to say. “I mean, I can’t. Philip is coming over soon to work on a project for English.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah, I mean I’ve totally got work I need to do too. I guess I should go.” She gets out of the bed and starts putting her clothes back on. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow though.” 

She looks disappointed as if she was expecting him to say something else. It’s not like he can tell her to stay and then Philip not come over because that’s just going to create even more problems and he doesn’t have the time or patience for it right now.

“Yeah. I guess I’ll see you then.” She sounds sullen, totally not impressed that he’s blowing her off but he really doesn’t want to be around her right now. He feels bad for it, but he needs space and he doesn’t want to be a dick to her. 

She finishes putting her clothes on, leans over and kisses him again, and then leaves.

When she closes the door he lets out a big sigh, his head slumping to hit the bed.  
He’s absolutely fucked if he has to do that again any time soon.  
________________________________________  
He texts Philip afterwards and tells him to come over because he doesn't feel entirely right and he's the only person he can talk to about this. His dad is out so he doesn't bother putting his top back on before he goes downstairs to wait for Philip. He’s still not comfortable just walking into his house yet and he thinks it's a nice change to actually have someone care about being polite for once. It's been so long since he had someone new in his life that he almost forgot what that was like. He's just pacing back and forth, can't settle, and Philip is taking way too long to get here. He just feels weird, like his skin doesn't fit him properly anymore and he's just plain unsettled. Philip will know what to do. He always seems to know.  


There’s a knock at the door and he practically races there. He swings the door open and the complete relief he feels at Philip standing right in front of him should be unnatural. He catches Philip staring at his bare chest. There's a slight swooping in his stomach but both that and Philip’s look only last a second. Philip’s looking at him and he knows there must be something wrong because he gets pulled into a hug before he knows it. It's soft and warm and secure, and he feels like he can relax for the first time in hours. Philip’s head is resting on his shoulder, breaths huffing out against his neck. His fingers are brushing his back, smoothing up and down and taking any traces of anxiety out of his body. He melts into it and his palms are flat against Philip’s back, holding him close. He can't remember the last time he felt this safe in someone else’s arms, probably when his mom was still alive and he used to come into his parent’s room after having a bad dream. She’d stroke his hair and cuddle him, kiss his forehead until he’d calmed down enough to go back to sleep. He doesn't like to think about her often because the pain of losing her is still raw after all these years. He thinks she would have really liked Philip though. Would have invited him over all the time and baked him things and just been a good mom. He missed her, but having Philip in his life made him miss her just a little bit less. He turns his head and his lips brush Philip’s hairline. He angles down and presses a kiss to his forehead, a thank you, and a signal that he wants to protect Philip too. Philip lifts his head and they're so close, too close, and he's almost convinced that Philip is going to kiss him or something. Philip’s looking at him like he holds the answers to a question he doesn't even understand. It’s too much of something to be written off as nothing and he pulls away before either of them get the wrong idea.  


Philip sighs, an open secret, and walks up the stairs like he can read his mind.  
His room is small, not much space for anything but his bed, a desk, and a wardrobe, so Philip has no choice but to be on the bed and that's where he finds him when he enters his room. He looks comfortable, lying there, and  


“Can I tell you a secret?” he asks, and Philip looks at him like the answer should be obvious. He turns his head back and just stares up at the ceiling  


“I'm not sure if I like Rose.”  


He turns his head back and Philip doesn't look like it's that big of a secret. It's worrying.  


“Why not?  


He rolls onto his side, and he wanted this, he wanted to be honest with Philip and get advice but it's difficult to put things into words. He never was good with talking, never really had the practice before.  


“Have you ever seen a burger and it looks really good but then you eat it and it's just… not?”  


“She's the burger.” Philip says. He knows, he always knows. It’s weird talking about his girlfriend like she's food but he's never had anything good to say and he can't start being poetic now.  


“She's the burger. I thought maybe it's because I’ve never had a burger before-” he sighs, and if he wants to have a real conversation about this then he has to start talking real because he’ll get his tongue twisted in substitutions and metaphors if he doesn't.  


“I thought maybe because I hadn't had sex before and she hadn't that it wasn't that good because it was new. Maybe it just wasn't that good though.”  


“What did it feel like?”  


“Weird. Wet. My dick felt like a canoe.”  


And Philip looks like he's trying not to laugh, he really does, but then it explodes out of him and he can't help but join in too.  


“I'm glad you're here.” he says, and he is. He's never had a friend like Philip before and he had no idea what he was missing until he found it. He places his hand on top of Philip’s and squeezes. He smiles at him, small but soft, because this is the happiest he's been all day.  


“I’m glad I’m here too.” and he can tell Philip means it.  
He should probably take his hands away but it's giving him too much comfort for him to worry about if it's a good idea or not. Philip doesn't seem to be in a rush to move his hand either. In fact, he's rubbing his thumb across any place on his hand he can reach and it's soothing beyond words. He sinks into the bed and he's so thankful to have a friend like this.  


“What if I don't like her?” and that's what he's worried about the most because if he doesn't like her then he’ll have no one. He's never told anyone before but he's terrified of being alone. He's even more terrified of opening up to someone and he thinks Philip must have to get that, with all he's been through.  


“Then you don't like her.” he says, and he makes it sound so simple.  
“Do you want to like her?”  


He wants to not be alone, and that means liking Rose, so he guesses he wants to like her. She's been a part of his life so long that it'd be weird to imagine her not there like she is now.  


“I want to like someone.” That's really not the same thing though. He knows it and Philip knows it. They're still lying on their sides facing each other, hands clasped, and he knows he can't be anything but honest. He’ll feel like a fraud if he's anything but, and he doesn't get how easy it is for him to open up to Philip. It’s probably to do with how Philip looks at him like he already knows things he doesn't even know about himself. It should be weird but it just feels normal. Maybe if past lives were a thing he knew Philip in every other life he’d lived before. Like he was his history, and his present, would be his future too. He doesn't like being vulnerable, has been taught never to show his weaknesses, but lying here with Philip feels more like the strongest he's ever been.  
It’s quiet for a while, both of them lost in their thoughts, alone together once again.  


“Maybe you'll fall for someone without even knowing it. Maybe it'll surprise you.”  
There's more weight to it then he was expecting but he was probably right, he always seemed to be right.  


“Maybe I’ll work things out with Rose.” he says, but right now he's not entirely sure he believes the words he's saying.  


“Yeah, maybe.” and there's that weight in his words again and he feels like he's missing something. It feels like something he's not supposed to get though, won't be able to understand yet, so he just leaves it.  


“Do you wanna watch something?” he asks. Philip smiles at him and whatever heavy emotional spell they were just under breaks. He feels like he's been through the wringer, never talked about his feelings like that in his life and he just wants to switch off and do something fun now, recharge his batteries or whatever.  


“Why do I get the feeling that means watching sports?”  
See, look at him always being right.  


“We can put soccer on and you can check out the guy’s legs.”  
Philip slaps his arm like he's offended but he can see the undisguised mirth in his eyes and he just knows he's enjoying this. He can be right sometimes too.  


“Okay, you're on.” and then they're both laughing and he's feeling truly happy. Only this boy. Only him who can go from intense to easy in a single second. Only him who could be the best guy he could ever ask for.  
They watch games for hours, and if he starts joining in with Philip commenting on how hot the players are to make him laugh, well nobody but them needs to know.  
________________________________________  
He tries to have sex with Rose again and it goes horribly. It's not on her, she's clearly into it and clearly trying, but he's just not really feeling it with her. He’s starting to worry now, thinking his dick must be defective or something because how can it not be that interested in a girl as beautiful as her? She’s frustrated, he can tell, but he's not sure what he's meant to do about it.  
He's lying there next to her on the bed, arm bent and thrown over his face and they've tried for ten minutes but his dick won't get more than half hard and it's not enough to do anything with.  
“It’s okay, it happens sometimes.” She says, and he knows she's trying to reassure him but it doesn't happen to _him_. She wouldn't know that though, she doesn't know he's been inside of someone else before and he absolutely cannot tell her that he has so he stays silent.  
“I'm sorry.” he says but he thinks he's only saying that to make her feel better. His dick is trying to tell his brain something and he should probably listen but he really shouldn't be letting his dick make the decisions.

“Can you... help me out?” She asks and her hand is slipping down her body. He knows it’s meant to be hot but he’s too confused to get into it.

“It might be hotter for me if I watch you.” He’s only saying that because he really can’t be bothered touching her right now. If she believes that really will get him hot for her though then she probably will do it and it’s another weight off his shoulders. 

She smiles at him and her hands keep trailing down and he knows he’s gotten what he wanted.

She moans and he can’t quite tell if it’s put on or not but he knows that’s a demand for him to pay attention to her. 

He’s looking at her fingers moving but he’s not really seeing it. His mind is so detached from the current situation but if she thinks he’s watching then she’ll keep doing it and he won’t have to do it for her. 

She keeps moaning so he keeps looking and it seems to drive her and that’s exactly what he needs right now.  
She seems to be enjoying herself so at least that’s something. Maybe she won’t be as frustrated now and he can go back to figuring out what’s wrong with him.

She goes silent and her fingers move slower and he figures it’s over. 

“Nothing?” She says and she’s looking down at his dick and it’s softer than before she started touching herself.

He shrugs and tries to look sad about it. 

“Maybe you’ll have to go see someone about it or something.”

His eyes bug out because what the fuck if she actually knows? She’s just looking concerned though, not suspecting at all and she probably just meant a doctor or something, some kind of specialist. She didn’t mean Philip; it’s not written all over his skin like he thinks it is. But god, he knew this wasn’t a physical problem, knew somehow it was all in his head. Philip could fix it though, there was someone who could, and she didn’t know how right she actually was. 

“Yeah, maybe I will.” He says and he shouldn’t be doing this but if a part of him needs it then what choice does he really have?

Philip had fixed it before and he could fix it again.  
He needed to see Philip.  
He needed his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trust me, it's as hard to write het scenes as it is for you to read them but i'm trying to get most of them out of the way now so we can get to the good stuff y'know
> 
> lukas is an asshole but he's struggling with something he can't understand so you kinda have to give him a lil break
> 
> i will make up for this tomorrow with double waldenshea smut i promise  
> stick around for it and don't hate me for this!!


	4. Chapter 4

He sees Rose the next day at school and it's awkward.  
It’s almost Christmas break and it's cold and she's probably frustrated with him, and she just snaps at him. She starts some ridiculously argument and he can't even tell what it's over but she's shouting at him in the hallway and people are looking.  
it's embarrassing. He knows he hasn't been the best boyfriend but he's pretty sure he doesn't deserve this. He's not even listening to her because he really doesn't care. 

“What have you got to say for yourself?” She demands. The answer is nothing, because he has no idea what the hell she’s been saying. He's not saying anything and it's just making things worse and he can see the anger growing on her face but he has no idea what she even wants from him. 

He turns and he knows it's a mistake as he does it, that it's not going to placate her in any way, but he sees Philip approaching and it makes everything better. 

“Rose, if you're gonna do this can you do it somewhere else?” Philip says quietly, head turning and pointing out the crowd that's gathered round them. 

“Shut up, this has nothing to do with you.”

“Don't tell him to shut up.”

She has no right to talk to Philip that way. He’s done nothing wrong, especially not to her. 

“What, so you're on his side now? I’m your _girlfriend_! You're meant to be defending _me_.”

“You're being crazy. Talk to me when you've calmed down.” He puts his hand on Philip’s shoulder and turns around, ready to leave. This is giving him way too much of a headache for it not even being 9am yet.

“Don't you dare walk away from me, Lukas.” Rose says, and underneath the anger he can hear that she’s pleading a little bit too. 

And he knows she’ll make him pay for this later but she's making a scene for absolutely no reason and it's not on. He keeps on walking. He can't be dealing with this right now. 

“So you're gonna run off with your boyfriend then?” She shouts, and that one makes him pause, stop dead in his tracks. Is that what this looks like to everyone? His hand is still on Philip’s shoulder and he thinks about dropping it but then wouldn't that make his hand on Philip’s shoulder look more suspicious than it actually is? He has a headache and he just wants to go home and sleep and just not deal with this. He squeezes Philip’s shoulder because it's so unfair to drag him into this mess, but he got himself involved because he knew he needed help. Why couldn't things be as drama-free with Rose as they were with Philip? 

He keeps his hand on Philip’s shoulder and just keeps walking.  
Fuck relationships. 

There’s still people staring and it makes him feel even more drained. Everyone here was a vulture and they all got way too much entertainment from personal shit like this.  
They get past them all, people moving to clear the way for them, getting a better look at him and Philip as they go past. It's quiet and cold and peaceful in the hallway now and he just wants to be anywhere but here. 

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Philip asks, and he's smiling at him but there's a drop of worry behind it. It means the world to him. Philip always knows what he needs. 

“Go get your helmet.” He says. Philip turns and squeezes his shoulder before leaving and going to his locker. 

He walks outside slowly, the long way so he doesn't have to go past anyone again, especially Rose. She accosted him before he even had a chance to go to his locker so he's still got his helmet. Small mercies and everything.  
Philip is there waiting for him by his bike and he digs into his pocket so he can almost mindlessly throw his keys at him.

He knows he must look like shit because Philip walks over to him, grabs his hand, and gently drags him over to his bike. 

“Sit.” Philip says and he awkwardly clambers onto the back of his bike. He tries to leave enough room for Philip to sit at the front but he’s not entirely sure if he does or not. 

“Helmet on.” Philip hands him his helmet and he’s half surprised Philip didn’t actually put it on for him.

“Stop talking to me like I’m a dog.” He says, but there’s no heat behind it or anything.

“Not a dog. Maybe a zombie or something. You’ve got the hair for it.”

He laughs, short and abrupt, and just clings onto Philip as he starts the engine.  
He can trust Philip. He knows nothing bad will happen to him whilst he’s there.

Getting home is a blur. He knows his bike is moving, that Philip is getting them where they need to be but he can’t feel it.  
He really needs his bed.

Philip briefly takes his hand off the handlebar and squeezes his. 

“Don't fall asleep on me. We’re almost there.”

He rests his head on Philip’s shoulder but makes sure to keep moving his hands on Philip’s stomach slightly so he knows he’s still there, that Philip won’t hurt him. 

He’s almost completely out of it by the time Philip pulls up to his house.

Philip kills the engine and tries to get off the bike without letting go of him. He knows he’s dead weight right now, that it can’t be easy at all for Philip 

“Work with me here. I’m not sure I can carry you bridal style.” Philip says, and he tries to get his legs moving enough to carry himself up the stairs.

He does it. He has no idea how but he ends up in his bedroom and Philip unceremoniously dumps him onto his bed.

“You want me to stay?” Philip asks, and he makes sure to get him under the covers before he does anything else. He has the best best friend anyone could have. 

“Bed’s big enough” He says and it's slow and garbled and probably doesn't make any sense to anyone. Philip’s not just anyone though. He never has been. The bed dips under Philip’s weight but he's too out of it to do anything but sleep. 

He wakes up and it's way way too hot and why the hell did he wear jeans to bed? Why did he think that was a good idea? His eyes are still closed and he’s still out of it but he's sweating and he just needs the heat to stop.  
He strips out of his clothes; quickly and so uncoordinated, until he's down to just his boxers.  
He can feel the air against his skin, cooling him, and his body is working its way to a happy medium.  
He drifts back to sleep almost instantly. 

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels is an ass against his dick. He's hard and hot and still half asleep, and it just feels so so good. His arm is slung over their stomach and they feel so soft. He can't help but rock up into it and the friction is incredible. They gasp and it just keeps spurring him on to chase that pressure against him. He leans his head down and just kisses whatever skin he can get his mouth on. They're rocking back and it's driving him mad. He fists the pillow to stop himself from letting go entirely. He opens his eyes, still bleary from sleep, and pale skin is all he can see. 

Fuck.  
This is Philip. 

“Shit Philip, I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to!” He says and he tries to put a bit of distance between them. 

“S’okay.” Philip says and his voice is a strained drawl, so much deeper than it usually is. 

Philip twists round and his lips are bitten red, his hair sticking up all over. He’s almost as hard as he is.  
His eyes drop down and Philip is hard and it's not bothering him. 

He lifts his eyes up and Philip is just looking at him, hooded eyes and fingers curled in restraint. It _gets_ to him. Philip is looking like some guy’s wet dream and he-  
They keep looking at each other and he's breathing heavy, and with every second that passes he becomes more forgetful about why this would be a bad idea. 

“What time is it?” He asks, and his voice is strained too now. Philip notices, eyes dropping down to his lips and it looks like he almost forgets that he’d even said anything. Philip rolls over and goes to get his phone and he just has the perfect view of his ass. 

If they have time, then they can-

He tries his hardest not to reach out and touch him, bring him back to bed where they can forget about everything outside this room.  
He's still half asleep and fully hard and he knows he's not in the best mind-set but it doesn't stop him from wanting. 

Philip. He knows how to make everything better and if they have enough time then he can just-

In this moment, right now, he knows this is Philip and he wants him.  
It’s terrifying. 

His eyes trail back over his unblemished, slightly muscles back and then back down to his ass.  
He hopes they have enough time. 

He wants to take him apart. 

“It’s 4.”

And shit, he comes crashing down to reality.  
His dad will be home soon, and there's no way he'd be able to explain why he's almost naked in bed with another guy. He can't even explain it to himself. 

He gets out of bed and steps into his jeans the quickest he ever has in his life. So quick it hurts his head, but his dad can't find him like this because he just wouldn't understand. 

He zips up his jeans and then looks to Philip. He’s sitting up in his bed, arms behind him to hold himself up, and he has no right to look as inviting as he does. 

Wait.  
No he doesn't.  
Where did that thought come from? 

“My dad’ll be home soon. He can't find us like this.” He knows he's starting to panic a little but he's finally waking up and he's starting to realise he almost let himself sleep with Philip again. That he would have done it in his own bed in the daylight. That he would have known it was Philip. 

He needs to stop letting his dick try and make decisions that his mind doesn't want to. 

Philip gets out of the bed and he has to turn around because he's still half hard and seeing him bend over to get his jeans is just undoing him.  
He’s probably doing it on purpose. 

He picks his t-shirt up off the floor and puts it on as slow as possible so he doesn't have to try and find something else to occupy himself with whilst Philip gets dressed. 

“Are you going to see Rose?”

“No.”

“She's not going to like that.” Philip says, and he knows Rose won't like it, that's she's expecting him to show up with his tail between his legs and apologise to her but he's just not interested. 

“I'm busy, with you. I’ll see her tomorrow or something.”

Philip quirks his eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. He’s smiling though, and it feels like a victory to him somehow.

“We can study or something.”

“If we’re studying then you best have some decent snacks because otherwise I’m going home.”

He rolls his eyes because Philip knows exactly where the snacks are and he knows he always has his favourites in just in case.

“I’ll even pay for pizza if it means you’ll stay.” He says, and he totally doesn’t have the money for it, should be saving for a new motocross top but this is for Philip and Philip’s seriously important.

“Now you’re talking.” Philip says and he’s smiling wide now. Something unfolds in his chest, taking over, and he’s just so glad to have Philip here for a little while longer.

 

He makes up with Rose the next day and things go back to how they were before.  
On the surface everything seems okay, but deep down he knows something has changed. 

He's starting to realise that maybe there's parts of him that she can't satisfy. 

________________________________________

He can’t stop himself from going back to Philip.  
It’s been weeks now, and he only wants to sleep with Rose less and Philip more.  
He’s not sure he wants to ever stop.

Nothing with Rose is easy and everything with Philip is and it feels like she’s pushing him towards him. He really has no idea how he keeps finding himself outside Philip’s door but he does. As soon as he steps inside his bedroom it feels like the last piece has been added to the puzzle and the picture of his life is complete and he doesn’t get why it’s this easy.

God, if Philip was a girl he’d probably date her so hard.  
The thought crosses his mind in an instant and leaves him feeling restless. It’s true but it’s an uncomfortable truth that he doesn’t want to possess.  
It doesn’t matter anyway.

Philip is not a girl, and he is not gay, so there’s no point in him even thinking that.  
Philip is just a really good friend, the best, the most amazing guy he’s ever met. It doesn’t even bother him that he’s gay because he’s just that good of a friend. I mean, what other friend would give him relationship advice like this? A guy like Philip is a one in a billion kinda person and it’s kinda pathetic but he hopes all of Philip’s doppelgangers were friends with all of his. Against all odds the two of them connected, joined together on every level, and he knew that had to mean something special, a cosmic event or something. Maybe it was completely predetermined. Maybe Philip was meant to have a completely fucked up life and he was meant to be led here where Lukas was. As if the entire world conspired to get them in the same place at the same time. He could believe it. The way they just knew what the other wanted, he could definitely believe it. If soulmates existed, Lukas thinks, then he knows Philip would be his.  
Because they’re connected, he knows that when he walks through that door they’re going to make small talk and then take off their clothes and let their bodies do the talking instead. He knows that because it’s what happens every time he walks through that damn door. It’s almost like a Pavlovian response now, his dick getting hard whilst he’s walking up the stairs to Philip’s bedroom because he knows Philip is gonna do something almost magical to him that’ll make him come harder than he ever has. He’s gonna make him forget everything but the pleasure he’s gonna get and he can’t fucking wait. 

He’s lost count of how many times he’s been in that bedroom for this reason.

He pushes the door open and there’s no need for introductions and pleasantries because his dick is speaking for him and Philip knows exactly why he’s here.

He’s lying on his bed, relaxed, and he looks so warm and almost pretty.

“If you’re not naked, hard, and lying on the bed by the time I get back then you’re not getting any.”

He bends his elbow back and gets something from under his pillow. He gets off the bed and sashays towards the door, hips swinging. It’s intoxicating. 

He rushes to get his clothes off and Philip laughs at him.  
Dick. 

He’s not missing out on this though. Not when it’s all he’s been thinking about all day.

He throws his clothes haphazardly on the floor, doesn’t care where they land, just wants them off so he can get down to it with Philip.  
He tries to calm himself when he climbs onto the bed, but it’s no use. His body wants Philip and he won’t be calm until after he’s come and come down.  
He strokes himself because he just can’t stop, needs something to take the edge off. The anticipation of waiting is getting to him and he just needs Philip right now, needs him to make it all better.  
His eyes are closed and he’s almost completely lost in what he’s doing.

“Are you starting without me?” Philip asks, and he can hear the put on pout clearly.

He opens his eyes and Philip is standing there clad only in underwear.  
Philip’s boxers are black, but he can still see the outline of his dick through them. He can still see that he’s hard.

“Just making sure I’m ready for you.”

Philip’s eyes drift down and he sees him palm his dick. Shit, it shouldn’t turn him on to see him do that but it does. He loves how much Philip obviously wants him.

“It looks like you are.”

“Maybe you should come over here and find out.” He has no idea where it comes from, he never talks like this to anyone, but clearly Philip brings it out in him.

Philip looks up and he knows he’s smirking but he’s gonna get his dick wet and he totally needs this.  
Philip almost trips over in his haste to get closer to him and it’s almost funny how he’s reduced him to this. Mostly though, it’s just pretty hot.  
He laughs at it but it doesn’t sound like a laugh. Instead it’s hot and filthy and halfway to a moan and he thinks maybe Philip knows how to reduce him to his base instincts too.

“Want you to stay right there.” Philip says.

He takes off his boxers and climbs on top of him, facing away.  
He’s got a perfect view of his back and his ass that’s to die for and he just feels hungry.  
Philip grabs a hold of his dick and he hisses because there’s no way his hand can compare to the feel of someone else’s. 

Philip sinks down onto him and he groans out because there’s nothing in the world that’s like the way Philip feels.  
Fuck, it’s almost too good.

He grips onto the side of the bed and just waits for Philip to move.  
The pressure on him is as intense as always and he’s not sure he could ever feel as good as he does every single time he’s with Philip.

Philip moves, small movements, but he can feel his dick move slightly in and out of him and it’s so so good.  
Philip starts to move faster and he needs more than this, needs as much of Philip as he can get and he can’t stop himself from moving into Philip too.  
He’s bucking up as Philip is bearing down and it’s hard and fast and Philip feels like he can barely contain himself.  
Philip’s hands move to his legs to steady himself and it gives him extra leverage to ride him. His eyes roll into the back of his head because it’s just too good and too much. Philip’s ass is just way too perfect.

He’s riding back and forth now, long drags of himself up and down his dick and it feels incredible.  
He’s not going to last, not if Philip keeps this up. He just grabs a hold of Philip’s hips and rocks his own, trying to hunt down the tight glide of Philip. 

He sits up, has to get closer to Philip. It’s probably not very comfortable for him, he’s probably being pressed together a little too much, but he has to get his mouth on Philip’s skin, feels like he’ll go insane without it. 

He presses a few kisses to Philip’s shoulders, mouth hot and pining for him. He gets a few kisses in but then Philip is pushing his back down. It shouldn’t be this hot to be slightly dominated like this, but it is, it so is. He tries to sit back up but that hand is just pressing on his ribcage and he has no choice but to take whatever Philip decides to give him.

That’s when he starts bouncing up and down. It’s slow at first, trying to find his balance and rhythm, but then he speeds up and it’s mind-blowing.  
All he can do is grab onto his hips and hold on for the ride but he knows he’s too close for this to go on much longer. It’s almost as if Philip is using him, that he’s nothing more than an object for Philip to get his own pleasure.  
It sets him off. It does him in, and he needs Philip to get off, will do anything to make it happen.

“Tell me when. Want you to come on my dick.”

Philip moves back and forth a few more times until he quickly gasps out. 

“There. God, there, Lukas.” It’s soft and full of awe and so inherently beautiful.

He wastes no time in driving back into Philip over and over right where he said he wanted it. He can hear Philip wanting to scream, can hear that he has to put his hand over his mouth to make sure no one but them can hear what they’re doing.

He wishes he was close enough to Philip so he could put his fingers in his mouth. He wishes he could muffle Philip’s sounds by his fingers, that Philip would suck him down like he needed it. 

Philip is just too hot and too tight and wants it so much that his mind whites out. He comes and it feels like it happens twice, like it never stops, and it’s never felt like this before.  
Philip comes too, a little after him, and he can feel it echo around him. He rubs his back a little, somewhat absentmindedly as Philip comes, and he can hear the slight satisfied whine as he does.

Philip detaches himself from him and ends up falling to the bed.  
He scoops him up into his arms, makes sure Philip is comfortable with his head against his ribcage. 

“Good job buddy.” He says, and Philip hits his chest.

“Shut up asshole.” Philip says, and he’s laughing and it’s just easy and happy. 

He wishes he could have this with Rose.

 

Nothing really changes in the next few weeks.  
He still keeps avoiding doing things with Rose.  
He still keeps ending up in Philip’s bed.  
He’s not sure what he’s doing anymore. 

________________________________________  
He still can’t stop sleeping with Philip.  
He knows it’s probably a problem, but he’s still doing all this for Rose, and the end justifies the means right?

He’s over at Philip’s again, but they’re just hanging out.  
He knows he’s kidding himself, that he can never just ‘hang out’ with Philip when he’s over here, that somehow it’ll devolve into the best sex he’s probably ever going to have.  
Philip still lets him come over though so he can’t mind too much.

He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been sexual with Rose. He had no idea, but he still wanted to.  
Philip always seemed to help him with his relationship problems so going to him for advice now was no different than it was when they started this.

“Rose wants me to go down on her."

They’re both lying on Philip’s bed. He’s not entirely sure why he brought it up now, but he needs help and he’s been turning it over in his mind for days now. She’d almost entirely given up on having sex with him, knew that no matter how many times they tried he couldn’t get his dick to want it enough. She still wanted though, wanted to be close to him and to be satisfied.  
He guessed he owed it to her. He’d never done it before and he figured it couldn’t be too terrible.

"I don't know if you've noticed but I don't exactly have a lot of experience with girls."

"Have you never done anything like that? I'm freaking out here man. I don't know what I'm doing. I've been putting it off for weeks." He runs his hand through his hair. He was scared. He was worried. As always, he was painfully honest with Philip.

"Well, I guess it's not that much different than rimming."

He can feel his eyes bugging out. He knows he must be because how in the hell are those things similar? Had Philip really done that?

"You've done that to someone?" He asks, and he doesn’t try nearly hard enough to not let his surprise show.

Philip just smirks at him, and holy shit, no, there's no way he's done that. He zeroes in on his lips and... they've touched someone's ass. He can't wrap his head around it. He thought there'd be a massive neon sign above anyone who'd done something like that but Philip looked just like any ordinary person. His smirk falters, can't keep a straight face, and he just starts laughing, full and true and so ecstatic.

"No, asshole. I haven't done that."

Lukas breathes a sigh of relief. That's totally cool and-

"But I have had it done to me." And Philip says it so matter of fact that his mind trips over it for a second.

And oh, oh. That's a thought. Philip all spread out whilst someone does that to him. The thought doesn't wig him out as much as he knows it should but he still doesn't get how they're alike at all and it just makes no sense that someone would do that to someone else.

"What does it feel like?" he's squirming as he says it. His skin feels too hot to be normal and his heart feels like it wants to burst out of his chest. He's equal parts curious and appalled and he has no idea which side of him is going to win out but he has to know.

"What does motocross feel like to you?"

He has no idea how rimming can feel like riding a bike. Philip has clearly lost it. Maybe being gay made you lose your mind.

"Freeing. And fast. Exhilarating. It's the best thing in the world."

Philip smiles and it's so soft and honest that Lukas can't help but smile back. He's glad he has him. Even if he isn't interested in motocross like he should be, he's still interested in him and so damn supportive of the things he like. He really is one of the good guys.

"Okay, imagine all of those feelings, but they're all in your ass."

And this is ridiculous. What the hell is he even saying? His ass can't have feelings, it's an ass. He's looking at Philip like he's dumb because honestly, what is going on inside that head of his?

"No, hear me out. It's like you're trusting someone with a secret right? There's nothing more intimate than that. When it happens though it's just freeing. It can feel like you're flying and everything but that just, goes away.”

And yeah, that's kind of interesting. A little bit. 

"It's still not like going down on a girl though."

"Are you sure about that? You've never gone down on a girl."

"Neither have you."

"No, but it's still a hole. If you finger it, it'll feel good. If you lick it, it'll feel good. If you lick it enough you can get your tongue in there. Pretty similar to a girl really."

And no, that shouldn't make sense but honestly it kinda does because yeah, he'd be doing the exact same things. It's really not that different at all.  
It hits him that he's actually starting to consider this. This is crazy but he needs the practice, needs to be good for Rose and not seem like a complete and utter virgin. She deserves for him to be good and this is only for practice, it doesn’t mean anything. The last time he’d practiced with Philip, Rose had loved what he’d learned. He knows they need to get back on track, and he’s not being good enough for her right now. She needs this.

“You’re not wet though.”

Philip smiles at him like he knows he’s won.  
He reaches over and opens his bedside drawer, gets out a half-used bottle of lube and just tosses it in his general direction.  
It’s strawberry flavoured.  
He likes strawberry.

Philip strips down until he’s naked and he gets on his hands and knees, forearms flat against the bed, putting himself on display.  
Oh.  
Yeah, that’s something.

He has no idea what he’s doing. He’s never really thought about this before and he doesn’t really know how it works but he wants to try. 

He leans forward and gives a little lick, Just testing the waters, seeing what it's like. It's weird, all musky and warm, but it isn't necessarily bad. He keeps licking, tiny little things.  
He has no idea what he’s meant to do.  
He’s floundering, he knows it.

“Lukas, feels like you’re trying to put your anxiety in me with your tongue. Stop for a sec.”  
He pulls away, completely and utterly embarrassed. His cheeks are stained red, defeat blooming in his features and it feels like it’s all over before it’s even begun. He feels like a failure, honestly didn’t expect himself to be that bad, and it’s just good that he didn’t have this problem with Rose.

“Are you okay?”

Philip still isn’t looking at him, keeping his promise, and he’s glad because he’d have no idea how he even could look at him right now.  
No, he’s not okay, but he thinks Philip already knows that. He sighs, kneeling and resting his weight on the back of his heels and strokes his hand down the back of Philip’s thigh, apologetic.

“Are you ready to try again?” Philip asks.

“What?”

And really, what? After making a fool of himself Philip really expected him to do that again?  
Philip does turn around to him now and he looks so relaxed that he’s kind of envious. Also he’s a little bit attractive like this, his body angled to show off his assets and his strong jawline and pronounced lips. It doesn’t help that he always has that come-hither expression in his eyes, like he’s inviting you to drink up everything he has to offer. A lesser man would probably find it entirely intoxicating. Even he’s having a hard time, and yeah, he might be ready to try again if he keeps getting that smouldering look that goes straight to his dick.

“I thought you were a hitter and not a quitter, Lukas Waldenbeck. Unless you’re not man enough to try again.” He smirks and he hates this bastard and how he knows exactly what buttons to press to get him riled up. Dick.

He raises his middle finger and Philip just laughs. He should feel offended but he just feels more at ease because he knows Philip is trying to help him. See, this is why he always ended up back here. Philip just makes everything so easy and just knows exactly what he needs. He’s perfect and it means there truly isn’t anywhere in the world he’d rather be than right here with him.

“You should put that finger to better use.” Philip says and his eyes sharpen and it’s like the mood in the room immediately becomes a million times more heated than it was a second ago. There should be no way that the way Philip looks at him and talks at him should travel straight to his dick but it does and he’s not gonna try and stop the way it gets him hot.  
He leans down again and with every inch he nears, his anxiety increases twofold and it’s crazy how Philip made him feel sexy not even a minute ago and now it’s like it never happened and why did he think this would be a good idea? Sex is meant to be fun and not terrifying at all and why can’t this be as easy as porn makes it look?

“Do you want me to talk you through it? Would that help?” Philip asks.

And yeah, it would actually. He feels like he’s lost the ability to speak, he’s that worried, and his mouth feels dry. It feels like he’s at the top of a rollercoaster blindfolded and he has no idea how big the drop is. It’s overwhelming and he needs Philip right now more than he ever has before. He smooths his thumb down the swell of Philip’s ass and just hopes he gets it. Of course he does, he’s Philip. He’ll always understand him on a level way deeper than anyone else.

“You need to build up to it. Getting them to want it can sometimes be hotter than actually doing it.”

Okay, yeah, that could be useful, but then he’s looking down at Philip’s ass and he’s just so intimidated because he has no idea where to even begin with this. He can feel himself just gripping Philip’s hips but he can trust himself to show him that he’s scared because this is Philip and he would never judge him.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Philip says, and Lukas is so glad because he needs support more than anything right now and it’s strange how Philip is the one naked with his ass spread but he’s the one feeling exposed.

“It’s good when you kiss around it first, yeah. Thighs too. Anywhere close that’s sensitive.”  
And kissing around it is way less daunting than actually going into it so he just kisses the left cheek, softly and barely there just to test the waters. Philip doesn’t say anything so it must mean he should keep going. He kisses down and he knows pretty soon he’s gonna have to close his eyes so he doesn’t get an eyeful of Philip’s dick. He sweeps his hand down before his mouth, feels his way so he knows exactly where he’s going and how much room he has to explore before he hits something unsavoury. He kisses Philip’s thighs, slow and long and soft, and works his way to the inside of them. Philip delicately gasps a little and he mentally adds this to the list of things that could work. He lets his mouth open, taking in more and more of the skin of Philip’s thighs and the act is a little bewilderingly intense. He sucks on the skin, not too hard to actually hurt, but Philip moans like it’s been unexpectedly ripped from him. He quickly muffles it but it doesn’t stop it going to Lukas’ head. Maybe he can actually do this. It’s another thing he adds

“Okay, okay, you’re doing good.” and Lukas totally takes notice of how Philip’s voice sounds a little bit breathier than it did before he started.

“Okay now you want to-” and for some reason Lukas thinks it’s a good idea to run his thumb slowly over Philip’s hole, a hint of pressure, a promise of what might be to come. Philip stutters and stops talking entirely and Lukas knows he has a shit-eating grin on his face. God it feels good to reduce someone to just noises and shakes and half-finished thoughts.

“Lukas, just-” and Philip bites back a whimper when Lukas just teases the tip of his thumb inside, pressing and breaching and ever so slightly inching inside.

“Fuck. Please. Do it.” and if Lukas can reduce Philip and his smart mouth to single syllables then he must be doing something right. He pushes in, more insistent than he was before and it’s the tightest thing any part of him has ever been inside. It takes his breath away but he can’t get enough so he just keeps pushing, seeing how much Philip can take. Philip is just shaking under him and he can’t tell if it’s from restraint or something else entirely. Philip isn’t saying anything and part of him is worried that this is just taking it way too far. He tries to get out but Philip just whimpers and his brain registers that as an excuse to get back inside. Philip whimpers again when his thumb moves, and fuck he needs to get a different finger inside if he wants to hear Philip make more noise. He scrambles across the bed to find the lube and squirts some on his middle finger. It’s way too much and it drips down but he doesn’t care, just needs to get back inside as quickly as possible. He circles his finger around first, teasing, taking Philip’s advice and working up to it. He can feel Philip clench in anticipation, body throbbing and begging for more, and he feels hot all over. He pushes his finger inside because he just can’t take it anymore and Philip breathes out long and heavy. A pushes in and out a few times to get his bearings, try and get accustomed to how Philip grips him but he’s not entirely sure he could ever get used to that. He knows this has to work like sex, that he’ll have to angle to get this feeling as good as possible. He crooks his finger and he knows he’s going in blind, that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but he hopes he can find out without having to fumble and making himself look like too much of a fool. It takes him a few times going in and out and slightly moving how his finger enters Philip but then Philip moans, deep and half overwhelmed and it sounds amazing. He’s done it, he’s totally on his way to claiming his title as Tivoli’s sex god and he’s amazed that he can actually feel the difference. It’s like searching for something and he’s not entirely sure what it is but as soon as he finds it, it feels right and he’ll never lose his way finding it again. It’s so interesting and he wants to see just how much that spot is gonna is gonna make someone responsive. He keeps pressing inside, changing the tempo and the pressure and how long he touches it and there’s a sheen to Philip’s body that wasn’t there before. It’s thrilling, feeling Philip’s body chasing this, and he just wants to push him to his limits, see how much his body can take until he’s screaming. He knows it won’t happen, that he’s nowhere talented or experienced enough for that yet, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting it. Philip was made to be touched and caressed, and damn it he’s gonna give his best friend everything he deserves.  
He pushes another finger inside and Philip still seems to be enjoying himself but it’s not enough for him, he’s not learning anything and he still feels like he’s missing something. He’s entirely lost track of what he was doing because this wasn’t the end goal. This should merely be a pit stop and damn Philip for making him forget himself like this. God, he’s a little bit in love with Philip’s ass, head over heels and he just… he needs to know. It’s hard to do at first. He’s totally not used to doing two things at once and the tempo of one thing falters when he’s concentrating on another and it takes him longer than he’d like to get it locked down. He’s still tentative, less so than last time

Philip brings his hand around and puts it at the back of his head, gentle, no real pressure or intent, just a reassurance for him. Lukas wants to be held there though, wants Philip to believe that this is the only place that he wants to be because that’s exactly how he feels right now. He pushes his head closer, tongue deeper inside, and Philip cries out. His hand fists in his hair almost immediately, frantic and hard and just holds him in place. All he can feel and all he can smell is pure Philip and he moans out because fuck, Philip wants this just as much as he does. He wonders if Philip can feel the vibrations of it inside him. God, he hopes he can. 

He’s chasing the lingering taste of strawberry and opening Philip up so much that his face is covered in his own spit. He doesn’t care. He needs this almost as much as Philip does and he’s never understood the pleasure in giving someone else pleasure until right now. Until he’s got Philip open and yielding beneath him, muffling his moans in his pillow.

He licks a broad stroke up, right over Philip’s hole, strong and slow, and Philip gives a shudder that traverses his whole body. He’s more confident in himself now, and thank god Philip is so responsive that he knows what’s good and what’s great. 

“Lukas, please, please. Fuck. Please.”

He knows. He knows what Philip needs and he has no idea how they can know each other’s bodies this well but they do and it just makes everything so much better.  
As soon as he moves his head away, he’s plunging two fingers back in and hitting that spot inside Philip. He cries out again and it’s way too attractive.

He’s working his body back to meet his fingers and he can feel his dick jerk, because fuck, that’s one of the hottest things he’s ever seen. He’s staring at where they’re joined, at how Philip’s body just takes him, and he feels like he might be losing his mind a little bit.  
Philip is still biting his pillow, trying to muffle any noises he makes, but the odd ones still escape and it’s almost too much for him.

He can feel it the moment he comes though, how he tightens around his fingers. He doesn’t stop touching him though. His fingers aren’t as insistent, just a slow glide inside him, but he’s fairly certain it’s prolonging Philip’s orgasm and he almost ends up coming himself. It’s that hot. 

Philip weakly puts his hand on his wrist when it gets too much for him, and he makes sure to slide his fingers out slowly so he doesn’t hurt him.  
Philip collapses to the bed and he’s still shaking slightly. He can’t tell if it’s from him being cold or him feeling good, so he just brings the covers over Philip’s body so he’s nestled in them.

“Stay tonight?” Philip asks, voice soft and quiet like he’s already halfway to sleep.

Lukas nods. It’s dark in the room and he knows Philip can’t see him, but he’ll get it anyway.  
“Mouthwash in the bathroom, hitter.” There’s the making of a smile on his face but he’s too worn out to make himself to commit to it. He smacks his ass as he walks past and there's a short huff of a laugh as if he's impressed with himself. Oh, is that how it is?

“I’ll get you back for that.” And he totally will. He’s got tricks and everything up his sleeve now. Hell, he could rim Philip until he’s pliant and then spank him, properly lay into him until it isn’t a joke anymore. 

That thought shouldn’t shake him as much as it does.

He’s safe in the knowledge that he’s an ass man though, he thinks whilst he’s rinsing his mouth. It’s not Philip’s ass that he’s fixated on, it could literally be any ass that’s nice enough. He just owes it to Philip for showing him the light.

Rose has a nice ass. She wears clothes that show it off and it’s hard not to notice it. He can totally fixate on her ass. He totally wants to do that, of course he does.  
He looks in the mirror and it feels a little bit too much like he’s just trying to convince himself of that.

He’s just tired, that’s all it is. All his energy has been used on getting things right with Philip so of course he can’t make himself get excited over his girlfriend right now.  
He yawns and goes back into Philip’s bedroom. He’s all snuggled under the covers and his hair is sticking up slightly. Lukas is mindful when he climbs into bed. Philip looks so beautiful that he doesn’t dare disturb him in any way. He looks over at him and the moon is illuminating him slightly, light hitting his bare back, and it’s so overwhelmingly tender. He kisses his shoulder, a second-long press of his lips, and then turns over and tries to go to sleep.  
If he spends an hour open eyed and hell-bent on remembering tonight, well, Philip doesn’t have to know.  
Nobody needs to know.

 

When he wakes up the next morning, Philip isn’t there, and he tries his best not to feel disappointed.

It doesn’t entirely work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being a lil late today honeys  
> i realise there is probably way too much smut in this chapter but you're just gonna have to deal with it
> 
> there's less smut tomorrow so if this is too much for you in one sitting then maybe you'll be golden with the next update
> 
> also, before anyone asks, no philip really has not been rimmed before. lukas is looking at him for experience and he's just kind of faking it to help lukas. it's not like he's not getting anything out of it though...
> 
> see you again tomorrow x


	5. Chapter 5

Philip isn’t there, and his side of the bed feels cold, as if he hasn't been there in a while.   
He really doesn't like it. At all. 

He picks his clothes up off the floor and half- heartedly gets dressed. He thought things were good with Philip. He doesn't get what he's done wrong so he doesn't get why Philip isn't here. 

“Morning sleepyhead.” Gabe says, as he goes into the kitchen. He can't remember where he left his bag but it might be in here. 

“Where's Philip?” He asks in lieu of replying. 

“He's already gone to school. Did he not tell you?” Gabe says, and no, he hadn't told him. 

His bag is sitting on the chair at the head of the table, with Gabe to its left and Helen to its right.   
He figures it's not a coincidence that it's been placed there. 

“Are you staying for breakfast?” Helen asks, and whilst she's posing it as a question he knows there’s only one response to it.   
He pulls the chair out, takes his bag off it, and sits down.   
Helen nods, short and quick, and even though Philip is no relation to her, he can see a resemblance to her.   
Maybe he just misses Philip that much that he's finding pieces of him everywhere he looks. 

Helen busies herself with making him some toast but he can see her and Gabe looking at each other. They're not using words but they are talking to each other and he almost feels envious of them. He half wishes he could know someone well enough to know what they want to say without uttering a single sound. 

Helen brings over two slices of toast on a plate and he's glad to see it's not overdone. He's heard stories about how bad her cooking is, but she seems to have mastered toast.   
He looks at the table and there's butter, jelly, and a jar of chocolate spread. He knows immediately who that one belongs to, and he picks it up. He picks it up and twists off the lid. It's soft inside, just how him and Philip like it. He basically smothers his toast is in, so it's more chocolate than bread, and Helen raises her eyebrows. He's not sure if it's because he's using too much or he's reminding her of Philip too much. It's probably a little bit of both. 

“I see you're spending a lot of time with Philip.” She says. 

Yeah. He's with him practically every day. Philip is the person he spends the most time with. Even more than Rose. He nods because he feels like his words might sound stupid to her. 

“I’m glad he has you. He's settled a lot. He even seems happy, so thank you.”

“All I want is for him to be happy.”

Helen raises her eyebrows again and looks at Gabe. He has no idea how they've taken what he's just said but he means it, he really does. They're that close that sometimes he feels like his happiness is linked to Philip’s own. He hopes he's happy here though, that he's happy with what he has here. 

“I hope you guys are using protection.” Helen says. She’s reading the paper and taking notes of a slice of toast. She doesn't even look interested but he knows that's just an act. 

He almost chokes on his water. 

It’s not surprising that she knows. Even if she hadn't heard them, which let's face it, she probably has, they don't exactly make it a secret in this house. He knows Gabe and Helen know Philip is gay. He knows he's probably the only guy who comes over to his house. He knows parents just know these things. 

“We are.”

“Good. Good. And you're not hurting him?” She asks. He thinks she already knows the answer, because there's no way Philip would put up with him if he did hurt him. 

“I couldn't hurt him.” He’d never admit it but he probably loves Philip. He’s his best friend, would be his brother in arms if they were at war, his right hand man, them against the world. He cares about Philip though, of course he does, and he knows it shows.

“Hey, I thought it was my job to interrogate him.” Gabe says. The way he's smiling at both Helen and him doesn't make him seem very threatening. 

“But I’m better at it.” Helen says, clearing her plate from the table. 

“She’s right, but don't let her know I said that.” Gabe says to him, back turned to Helen and hand next to his mouth to mask his stage whisper. 

“I can hear you.” She says and he can hear her smiling even though her back is turned to him. 

It’s nice.   
Being here is nice. 

“You should come over for dinner sometime. We want to get to know you.” Gabe says. 

“That's code for we want to see if you're good enough for Philip, if you didn't notice.” Helen translates. 

He did notice, but he didn't mind.   
He wanted to be here, can't remember the last time he had a family dinner. 

“Tell Philip when, and I’ll be there.” He’s sincere about it, and he had no idea what they must think he's actually doing with Philip but they must like him enough to invite him over. 

Gabe smiles at him again and gets up to clear his things from the table.   
His own dad doesn't look at him like that and there's a slight pang in his chest because they're just acting so damn nice.   
Maybe he should come over here more often. 

He finishes the rest of his toast and takes more time than he probably needs. He just, he likes being here. He knows it'd be better with Philip here, that he could probably dick about with him under the table somehow, and it'd just be fun. 

He misses Philip.   
It hasn't been even twelve hours since he last saw him and they literally shared a bed last night but he still misses him.   
He should probably get to school so he can find him. 

 

When he gets to school he doesn't find Philip, but Rose finds him. She notices that he's wearing the same clothes as yesterday when she sees him, because of course she does. 

She’s in the way of Philip right now and he doesn't really care but he knows he has to make things right with her too. 

“I couldn't sleep. I was trying to think how I could make it up to you and I stayed out all night.”

It's a bare faced lie. He slept better last night than he has in… well since the last time he slept next to Philip. Maybe Philip drugs him or something. It wouldn't surprise him if he was just plain magic. 

She believes it though. She takes him at face value, and her face softens. 

“You did? That's so sweet. I knew you cared.”

“Of course, babe. You know you're my only girl.” And that one isn't a lie. 

“I’m still mad at you.” She says. 

“I know, and I’m still sorry.” He has no clue what he's apologizing for, but it's what she wants to hear. 

“It's okay, you can make it up to me.”

He knows that too.  
He slings his arm around her shoulder and holds her close. He smiles at her and she smiles back but it somehow feels like a charade. 

He doesn't see Philip that day.   
It hurts.   
________________________________________

He can't avoid making it up to Rose. 

The lights are off and neither of them question why it has to be like that. He wonders what that says about them. 

It feels different.   
It tastes different.   
He gets the dreaded feeling in the pit of his stomach that it's just plain not right. 

But the whole reason he went down on Philip was so he knew what exactly to do when he went down on Rose. That he suffered through Philip to have it good with Rose.  
It shouldn't almost feel like the opposite is happening. 

He does know what to do though, knows how to move his tongue and how to use his fingers, and she's loving it.   
He's glad someone is enjoying themselves. 

He just wants it to stop, and the best way to do that is to try his hardest and make her come as quickly as possible.   
It feels like a sprint, he wants it to be a sprint, and not the half marathon it was with Philip. 

He thinks about Philip, thinks about what he likes, what he sounds like when he's enjoying himself. He thinks of Philip and how he shakes a little when he drags his tongue over him, long and slow and deliberate.   
He does it to Rose, and she likes it too.   
She doesn't react the same as Philip.   
He wishes he could forget that this wasn't Philip. 

He puts his fingers in her and moves his head away. That’s easier, he’s better at this, and now he doesn't have to think about how she doesn't taste like musk and strawberry. 

She arches her back when he hits that spot inside her, her mouth drops open and he knows he should be getting hard at this. He knows she's beautiful and stunning and he's so lucky to see her like this, but he just doesn't feel anything.   
It’s probably because an orgasm won't fix the problems they have. 

“Oh god, I’m coming.” She gasps out, and if he speeds up his fingers a little to get this over with sooner, then she doesn't need to know. 

She cries out and it's almost deafening. He keeps going, because he knows it'll make her feel it more and she fists the sheets to keep herself anchored.   
She drops to the bed when it's over and he slips his fingers out. He wipes them on the sheet because it actually feels kinda gross. 

“You're so good at that. Here, let me-”

“No,” he says, stopping her hand. “This was about you, and me saying sorry. You don't need to do anything.”

He doesn't need her to know he isn't hard in the slightest. It would only upset her. 

She smiles at him and it's lazy and happy, and this is the prettiest she's ever looked.   
It's still not enough to make him feel something. 

________________________________________

This week has been killer.  
Training has gone horrendously because he just cannot focus.  
Rose won’t give him space.  
Worst of all, he’s barely had time to see Philip.

He needs to get drunk.

He texts Philip to meet him at their spot. He’s not exactly sober already, and he probably isn’t typing what he means to, but he’ll get it. Philip never fails to show and he’ll be here now. It’s probably not fair that he has a head start but he knows it’s not gonna be hard for Philip to catch up.

He takes forever, almost feels like years, but he finally shows up.   
He’s had to pace himself for the past half hour so he’s not totally ruined.  
He realizes drinking in the woods by himself is pretty sad but Philip is here now so none of that even matters anymore.

“Philip. Missed you man.” He grabs Philip and wraps his arms around him, holds him close. He kisses the top of his head just because. He’s happy he’s here. He’s always happy when he’s here.

“How much have you had?”

“I think this bottle was full. I can’t remember.” The bottle is definitely not full now, nowhere near it. Philip needs to catch up with him.  
Philip rolls his eyes but he produces a bottle seemingly from absolutely nowhere and just starts gulping it down.  
He’s impressed and a little bit in love.

 

"Philip. Wanna play a game." he's halfway to drunk already and this totally seems like a great idea. Who doesn't love games? Games are totally fun and Philip is fun so playing games with Philip will be like double fun.

He needs another drink.

"What do you wanna play?" and Philip isn't entirely sober either. He can hear him starting to slur his words and this is gonna be so much fun.

"How much booze have you got left?"

He goes to get his bag, lifts the flap on it slightly and there's a few half full bottles in there, definitely enough for the two of them to make a night of it if they wanted.

"What about never have I ever?"

"You wanna braid my hair and paint my nails too?" Philip says sarcastically, but then-   
“Never have I ever skipped school.”

They both drink. They both know they have.

“Never have I ever been in handcuffs.”

Neither of them drink. He’s not really surprised by that.

“What kind of boy do you take me for?” Philip asks teasingly.

He thinks he should be the kind of boy in handcuffs, and not because he’s been in trouble with the law.

“Never have I ever gone to a club with a fake ID.”

He takes a swig from the bottle and at the back of his mind Lukas thinks that's probably what he looks like when he's blowing him, eyes closed and cheeks hollowed.

He definitely needs another drink.

“Never have I ever ridden a bike.”

Philip rolls his eyes but they both drink.  
Lukas drinks a lot, he’s had that much practice on a bike he could probably down the whole bottle and it still wouldn’t be enough.  
This is definitely going to go to his head quickly.

"Never have I ever gotten drunk.” Philip says, smiling as he drinks generously from the bottle.

“You just said that cos you wanted to drink.” Lukas reaches his hand out and Philip reluctantly passes him the bottle. Hell yeah he’s gotten drunk before, and if Philip kept saying easy things like that he'd be more than drunk before the night was over.   
Philip doesn’t call him out on the fact that he said something easy just to drink.  
He’s semi thankful for that.

"Never have I ever kissed a guy." Lukas says.

He says it, it comes out of his mouth, but he doesn’t know why.

"I have." Philip smiles and god he's so drunk. Lukas can see how drunk he is and he's totally drunk himself. He takes another swig from the bottle, a few swallows of it, and whoa, there must have been a lot of guys.

He wonders what it's like.

"I haven't." he says and he doesn't even remember being this close to Philip's face but here he is and he's right there. If he didn't know better he'd think maybe this was an invitation.

He pushes him up against a tree and presses his lips to Philip's regardless.

Philip doesn't move and kissing a guy seems pretty boring right now. Why Philip is gay is beyond him if this is how dull it is. But then Philip does move, and it's like nothing he's ever felt before. It's hard and smooth and those things shouldn't even go together but here Philip is defying the laws of nature. It's open mouthed and fast, probably too fast considering how much he's drunk, and if he keeps this up he's gonna feel lightheaded. It's nothing like kissing Rose or any other of the handful of girls he's kissed throughout his life. He feels like more of a passive participant and he's never had any experience not being the one in control. It's slightly heady, that someone could take from him and his body would let it. It's definitely new and some part of him finds it exciting just because it's new. The way they're kissing, he can feel the heat of Philip's mouth and part of him wonders what it would be like to slip inside. Would Philip feel different to a girl there too? He might as well go all out seeing as he's already kissing Philip. He starts tentative, testing the waters as he lightly flicks his tongue out and touches Philip's bottom lip with it. Philip grabs the arm of his jacket and he has no idea if that's a good thing or not so he retreats. It almost feels like Philip is chasing him when he takes his bottom lip in his mouth and sucks slightly. Oh. A girl had never done that to him before and he might have to try and remember that because it doesn't feel half bad.

He’s heard of the three second rule for hugging, that anything more means something more, but he has no idea if there’s a rule for kissing. It’s been way longer than three seconds though and he should end it. He’s already broken the hugging rule with Philip though, so what harm is breaking one more rule with him gonna do. Plus, the way Philip is more responsive and forceful than anyone else he’s ever kissed is kind of interesting. The way he breathes and the way he clings and the way he gives as good as he gets.

He’s drunk.  
He must be drunk to think kissing a boy is interesting.  
He’s gotta stop this.

He pulls away and just looks at Philip. Philip's just looking back at him and he has no idea what that's meant to mean. It feels like it's too much and he doesn't know how but his heart seems too big inside him all of a sudden and it's just weird.  
He guesses that's what kissing a guy must be like.  
He lifts the bottle to his lips. He swallows and then lets the bottle fall back to his side. He looks back at Philip and suddenly they're laughing at the same time, hunched over and noisy. It's so hilarious, he feels like a bystander in his own life and he can't quite believe he actually did that but it's just so so funny.  
He doesn't really know why.  
He keeps laughing until he almost forgets why he was laughing in the first place.

If he remembers this in the morning, he can just blame it on the alcohol.

 

He doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until he wakes up the following morning. His head is killing him. He opens his eyes and he’s outside. It’s cold and the sun is way too bright, hurts his eyes in a way that rivals the pain in his head. He makes an annoyed noise and burrows his head to his left, getting away from the harsh brightness. And his nose definitely presses against soft skin. He opens his eyes too quick and his head hurts even more but he has no idea how he ended up out here and who the hell he’s with. Brown hair and pale skin burn a hole into him and of course he’s with Philip.   
Almost as if he has a sense for him being awake, Philip wakes up too.

“Truth or dare?”

Philip’s brow furrows and he's still soft from sleep, but he answers, “Truth.”

“Tell me something about you no one else knows.” He says. He doesn't know where this is coming from, but this morning, one of the quietest places he's ever been, well, it feels like the place to whisper secrets. Philip’s eyes are definitely more alert now, and he looks like he's trying to pick just one thing from a whole selection.   
Maybe one day he’ll know all of Philip’s secrets; know him completely inside and out. 

“Before I met you, I hadn't done it with anyone. I’d done things, but not that.”

“You're lying.” He says, because there is zero way that can be true. No way at all, because that would mean he took Philip’s virginity… and that's not a small thing.

“It wouldn't be much of a truth to tell you if it wasn't true.” And he looks so sincere that he has no choice to believe him. It's heavy, it's a lot, but he also can't help feeling selfish and a little uncharacteristically happy that he has a piece of Philip that no one else will ever have. That even if Philip gets taken away from him then he'll always have that and no one can take that away from him. It burns hot inside him, that he's been the only one to have Philip like that, and it makes him want to do it again, just a little bit.

“But, but you were really good at it.” And it’s all he can picture, visions of Philip naked and it’s too early in the morning to be thinking about this but he just can’t stop.

“It helps to have a good partner.” he says and there's that cocksure smile on his face that is so quintessentially him.

“Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“Who's better at it? Me or Rose?”

“You. You know it's you.” He’s so damn sincere and honest. It’s not even a reluctant admittance, it’s just a fact.  
It feels like something more again and it makes his head spin how quickly they can slide and move between different atmospheres, how easy it is for him to be everything and have everything and feel everything with Philip. Philip’s giving pieces of himself to him and he's giving pieces of himself to him right back and it's almost too simple to do.

“Truth or dare?” He asks.

“Truth.” Philip says.

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Something flashes in Philip’s eyes.  
“Because no one’s asked me.”

He knows it’s true but he doesn’t want to believe it. Philip is perfect. How can no one want to be with him.

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” He says, because he’s just that kind of guy.

“I dare you to kiss me.”

He kisses him on the cheek, probably too close to his mouth, but it doesn't have to mean more than what it is. Philip is watching him as he pulls away and there are storms in his eyes but he has no idea what it means.

“Truth or dare?” He asks before he can get too caught up about how expressive Philip is.

“Dare.”  
“I dare you to run.”

Philip stands up and he's looking down at him and he looks powerful like this, looks like he could conquer anything if he wanted to.

“Truth or dare?” He asks.

“Dare.”  
“I dare you to chase me.” He winks, before he runs as fast as he can. Even with the head start he knows he can catch Philip, so he stands up, settles himself on slightly unsteady legs and just watches. He lets him get as far ahead as he can, until he turns in confusion because he isn't being followed. He comes to slow, and then a complete stop and as soon as he does, he sets off, running as fast as he can. He can hear Philip shriek and they’re just so giddy now. His legs are longer, and that’s one of the only advantages of his height. It’s easy to catch Philip. It’s almost too easy.

He tackles Philip to the floor and lands on top of him. He puts his hands around his wrists, curls them and forces him down and in place underneath him. They’re both breathing deep, in time, and their chests almost touch when they do.

“I guess I win.”

“Yeah, I guess you do.” Philip says and it's soft and almost breathy, like he's had the air or something taken from him. He doesn't know why he does it, but it feels right to kiss Philip again, so that's what he does. Just one, soft and lingering, and it feels like the closest they've ever been. Closer than he's ever been to Rose, and he can't understand it. The kiss is barely there but he can still feel Philip pressing back and he doesn't-

It’s soft and it's easy and it's everything it shouldn't be.

Maybe the closeness is just an extension of their friendship, just another level of intimacy to add to all the others they already have. Maybe this right here  
He pulls away and Philip’s eyes flutter open. He can feel his fingers twitching, feels the strain in his wrists under his palms, and maybe Philip doesn't know what that meant either. Maybe his body doesn't know how to react to it so it's just weirding out. That makes sense because he feels like that too, like he's being pulled in every direction and suddenly he's just too big. He releases Philip’s wrists and pushes himself up, brushes himself down. He puts his hand out to Philip and he takes it. He pulls him up, his other hand on Philip’s bicep to steady shaking legs. It’s like the first time they met all over again but it's more and it's too much for him to understand.

“I'll give you a ride home.”

“No, I think I’m just gonna walk.”

They still haven't let go of each other’s hands and it's so warm where they're connected compared to every place that they're not and it's just making everything more intense. He almost wants to kiss Philip one more time but that doesn't make any sense because he doesn't like guys. He almost thinks that Philip wants to kiss him. Thinks that's what the look in his eyes means and it's just making everything way more intense. They're staring at each other and it's like he's under a spell. Maybe Philip is a siren and he's going to be seduced to his death. It wouldn't surprise him. He can feel his body want to inch closer and he doesn't think he actually wants this. He’s just confused, he still hasn't woken up properly yet and his body is just reacting to warmth and friendship and completely misinterpreting it. Philip’s thumb strokes along his hand and it’s a slow hot drag that makes him close his eyes. Fuck, why is he reacting to this?  
In the dark of his mind, everything clears. His eyes are still closed but he pulls away his hand and he knows Philip will get the message, that this was just residual feelings from something and it was messing with both of them. He opens his eyes and they're so much closer than he remembered. Philip takes a step back and tugs on his jacket.

“I’ll see you later.” He says, waving and turning his back on him, walking in the opposite direction.

He just stands there dumbfounded because it feels like all that happened to someone else. He knows it didn't though, the tingles from the warmth Philip left on his skin won't let him forget and here his body is acting against his brain again. It's just closeness, it's just skewed friendly closeness.

He huffs out a cold breath and slowly makes his way back to his bike.  
________________________________________

He doesn't see Philip much for a few days and he misses him enough to make him bones ache. He’s busy with practice and Philip is on a visit with his mom, and he's glad, he's really glad Philip is getting to see her, but it doesn't stop him from missing him. 

He has no idea when it happened, but he doesn't feel right without Philip any more.   
There’s nothing he can really do though, because Philip isn’t here.  
He decides to ring him. It’s not something they do, in fact, he thinks it’s something they’ve never done. It’s the closest thing he can have to the real thing right now though.

“Hey. Are you alright?” Philip asks, and he can hear the genuine concern.

If this was anyone else he’d come up with some bogus reason why he's ringing, but this is Philip. Philip, who knows all of his bad parts and good parts, and still wants him around. 

“I miss you.”

Philip doesn't say anything, but he can hear him breathing slightly. Maybe he overestimated their friendship and he's just leapt over some boundaries. He’s almost tempted to hang up and pretend this never happened but then there’s Philip’s voice, clear and low and tender:

“I miss you too.”

He can hear that it's not just ‘I miss you’, that there's something else under there, but he doesn't know what it is.   
Philip still sounds like he's talking only for him though, and it's so damn intimate and warm. 

“I don't know what to do with myself when you're not here. I practiced today and it's just not the same without you.”

“I've been thinking about you too.” Philip says. He’s still amazed how he always seems to be able to read between the lines with him.

“Has your mom asked you if you have a boyfriend yet?” 

Philip laughs but it sounds a little sour. 

“I told her I had one so she’d stop asking.”

“Who did you say it was?”

Philip goes quiet.

“I said it was you.”

And oh. That's interesting. It kinda makes sense though, he's the person who Philip is closest to. He would be the obvious choice for a boyfriend. 

“Is she happy for you?”

“I showed her that picture of us at the last race I went to. She says you look very cute.”

He knows the one Philip is talking about. The one where he has his arm around Philip and he’s looking at him kinda like he’s the trophy, and the medal in his hand doesn’t matter that much at all. He could understand how someone who didn't know them might see them as a couple. If his mom was really annoying him about it then it was a good choice for Philip to make. 

“You should have showed her the one of us we took last week.” In that one the sun is shining down on them and they’re both smiling. It’s a nice photo.

“I did. She liked that one too.”

“If you come back I promise we’ll take as many pictures to send to your mom as you want.”

He can hear Philip sigh down the phone and it sounds suspiciously wet and sad. 

“I'm coming back.” He says, but even he can hear the ‘but I might not next time’. 

He’s terrified. 

“She's doing better then?”

“Yeah, she's been clean for a month now. This is the longest I can remember in years.”

“I'm happy for you.” He says but it's the biggest lie he's ever told. He's a selfish asshole, intensely so when it comes to Philip, and he doesn't want to lose him. His mom getting better would mean he could go back home and then what? Why would Philip still want to hang out with him when he's back in the city?

“Don't be like that. Please.” And he hates that he's so transparent, that Philip can see right through him. If a choice would be that hard for him though, then maybe he does care about him. It gives him hope, that Philip wouldn't want to lose him. That Philip wants him in his life just as much as he wants Philip. 

“How did your race go?” Philip asks him.

“Not as good as it would have if you were here.”

“Lukas-”

“I didn't mean it like that, I promise. You just, you make me better.” And he definitely knows Philip will read between the lines with that one. They both know he means more than making him a better competitor. 

Philip gasps and that sound sinks into him. 

“You’re the best thing that’s happened in my life in a long time.” Philip says, and yeah, he gets that too.

“Tell me about your trip.” He says. He sinks into his pillows more and settles himself in whilst Philip tells him about getting to eat real pizza for once and painting his mom’s room with her.

They spend all night talking.  
He wakes up in the morning and his phone is still in his hand.  
He probably fell asleep mid-sentence but it’s the best sleep he’s had since he last shared a bed with Philip.

Maybe talking to Philip is the only way he can feel whole.   
________________________________________

“Let’s go for a ride.”

Philip doesn't say anything, just follows him, and that's probably exactly what their friendship is like now; them doing anything the other asked. He stops off to grab his helmet from his locker, the one he bought for him, and it fills him with a little bit of pride.

He doesn’t waste any time in setting off. Philip barely has his arms around him when he does twist the throttle. He has an appointment to keep though. He always gets there at the exact same time every time he visits her and he doesn’t want to let her down.

He parks his bike up just outside the gates   
“Isn't this kinda creepy?” Philip asks, looking around.  
He doesn't say anything, keeps walking on knowing Philip will follow, and he knows this place like the back of his hand now.

He walks up the slight incline and continues diagonally left until he reaches where he needs to be.  
He can see Philip’s eyes widen when he notices the _Waldenbeck_ scrawled on the headstone.  
“This is my mom. I know it's a piece of stone but-”  
“Hey, no. I think it's cool, that you still talk to her.”  
“I tell her about you. I think she would've liked you.”

A look passes over Philip’s face as if he just bared the deepest parts of his soul to him. 

“Do you bring Rose here?”

“This isn't a place for Rose.” And the ‘but it's a place for you’ is left unspoken, but it still hangs heavy between them. 

“My mom OD’d. I found her on the floor and she was dying and I just rang an ambulance. They saved her but they called social services and that's how I ended up here.”

“She’s better now though. You won’t have to go through that again.” He goes up to Philip and hugs him, holds him as close as possible and he thinks they probably need this just as much as each other right now.

“We can take a picture for her later if you want. I’ll be the best boyfriend you’ll ever have.” And he’s joking but he’s also kinda not. He’ll totally take a picture of him and Philip together if Philip thinks it’ll be something nice for his mom. If Gabe and Helen really do think he’s Philip’s boyfriend or something too then they can have a copy.

“You’ll do for now.”

“Asshole.” He says, and he pushes Philip. There’s no real malice behind it though and they’re both laughing. It might look wrong, them laughing in a place like this, but Philip always was light in darkness.

He wonders if Philip actually wants a boyfriend though. A real boyfriend.  
He really hopes not.   
He knows he's a selfish hypocritical asshole but he doesn't want to share Philip with anyone. Philip has to share him though and that's not fair at all.   
If he could have one wish right now, it would be that Philip doesn't find someone who he could replace him with.   
Maybe his mom can do that for him. 

He goes to sit down, back to the stone, and the ground is cold beneath him. It's not cold enough to freeze him, but there's a slight chill. He huddles a little more into his jacket. 

“Hey mom. I hope you're doing okay up there. Things with Rose still aren't great. I don't know what to do about it. Motocross is good though, and Philip is here though and that makes it better.” He knows he perks up when he mentions Philip, but right now, Philip is the thing in his life that makes him the happiest. 

“Hi mom.” Philip says, and he scrunches his nose a little.   
His mom would probably be incredibly fond right now if she were here. 

“I don't know if Lukas has told you but he's amazing at motocross. He's good enough to get out of here and make something of himself. You'd be proud of him.”

He looks at Philip and he's shocked, touched beyond words that he would say that about him. Philip’s head is resting on the stone and he rolls it slightly so he can look at him. He's smiling and it's so unguarded that it almost punches a hole inside him.   
He's so so lucky.  
He doesn't think he’ll ever be able to give Philip up. 

“If I get out of here, I’m taking you with me.”

Philip looks at him as if he's stating the obvious, and yeah, he probably is. 

“I won another race a few weeks ago. I always win when Philip is there. My sponsors are really excited about it. Philip takes pictures and videos of me and makes me look really good.”

“I just work with what I’ve got.” Philip says, and it’s one of the simplest but kindest compliments someone has ever given him.

“I wish you were here mom. I still miss you.” 

Philip takes his hand in his and just holds it. It’s relaxing and secure and he didn’t even know he needed it. 

“You should bring her some flowers next time. She might like that.”

“We’ll bring her some flowers.” He says, because there’s no one in the world he could ever trust more with this than Philip.

He interlocks his fingers with Philip’s and just sits there. He thinks he can almost feel his mom with them. He knows it’s not possible, knows she’s been dead too long for her to ever be here, but he can still almost feel her.

He likes to think she’s smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you believe that was their first kiss???  
> i feel like gabe and helen are super underrated on the show so i gotta give them some appreciation here  
> also why not have non-smut character building? i feel like there hasn't been too much of this so far so i'll try and give you a lil bit of that
> 
> tomorrow: we hit the halfway point and it's a smut bonanza. i am talking a ton of smut. you could probably swim in it if you wanted to. there'll be important feelings developments so don't miss that one ;)


	6. Chapter 6

He goes over to Philip’s again because he totally needs help.  
Rose won't shut up about how good he is with his hands and he doesn't know what to do. 

“If you keep coming over like this I’m gonna have to start charging you.” Philip jokes, but there's probably some truth to it. 

“I can only pay you in sex and bike rides.”

“We’ll figure out a payment plan.” Philip says, and he can’t tell if he’s joking now or not.

Philip crosses his arms and rests his weight on the wall, look at him expectantly.  
Oh yeah, he was totally here for a reason.

“Are you, good at fingering?” And that’s totally not what he wanted to say, nowhere near as delicate, but it is kind of what he wanted to ask.

Philip smiles and bites his lip, and he’s totally not ashamed to admit that he looks so fucking hot whilst he’s doing it. 

“Why are you asking?”

Philip pushes himself off the wall and he’s walking towards him.  
He feels completely at his mercy.

He walks backwards until he hits the bed and Philip is right there in front of him and it’s kinda crazy how much he’s feeling right now.  
He has no idea what Philip is going to do next. He kind of likes it.

Philip sits down next to him and he’s almost disappointed.

“I don’t really know how to do it properly. I don’t get how it works”

“You know the best way to get something is to do it yourself.” Philip says, and he leans just a little bit closer to him. 

“I have done it.” He gestures at him because he's totally done it to Philip. Was it that average that he just doesn't remember? See, this is why he needs help. 

“I didn't mean that.” Philip says, and he tentatively strokes his fingers up the outside of his thigh. 

Oh.  
Oh fuck.  
He meant that. 

“Philip-” And he has no idea what the hell he was going to say after that, has no idea what he's even thinking, but it doesn't matter anyway. 

“I’m not saying you have to do it. It might help though. If you know how it feels.”

He knows he has a choice, knows Philip will always give that to him no matter what.  
But-  
But it kind of makes sense. That he won’t be able to do it properly unless he does it himself.  
Philip is so so rational and of course he won’t know what feels right unless he feels it too.  
The only way he can do it right is if he does it. 

“Yeah.” He says, and he shakily takes Philip’s hand and puts it on the button of his jeans.

“You don’t have to do this.” Philip says, but he doesn’t move his hand away.

“I know.” 

Philip pauses, doesn’t move at all and his eyes are moving about his face. He’s not gonna lie to Philip, he never could, so he knows he looks scared because he has no idea what to expect, doesn’t know how this works, but he hopes he looks resolute. 

“Okay.” Philip says, and he unbuttons his jeans.

He takes off his top whilst Philip takes him out of his jeans, and it doesn’t take long before he’s just in his boxers.  
Philip is still clothed and it doesn’t feel entirely fair.  
He puts his hands on the bottom of Philip’s t-shirt, his knuckles brushing against his stomach, and pulls up. Philip lift his arms and then he’s topless.  
He goes for Philip’s jeans and he can feel that he’s hard. He’s hard and they haven’t even done anything yet. It goes to his head a little bit.  
He unbuttons and unzips Philip’s jeans and if he presses down on his dick slightly, if he sees Philip’s eyes flutter close and his mouth drop open, then that’s a secret the two of them can keep.  
He pushes Philip down and strips him of his jeans and now they’re both in their underwear.  
He’s starting to get hard because he bets Philip can make it feel so good.  
Philip can always make him feel good.

Philip drags him down on top of him and then rolls them over so he’s the one who ends up on top. It’s a smooth move, and maybe he’ll have to do something like that at some point. He kisses down his chest and it helps him relax a little.  
He can feel him slowly move across until he takes one of his nipples into his mouth. He licks over it, slowly, and then sucks on it. It’s hot. It’s always so hot with him and he doesn’t get how it can be like this every time. He nibbles on it a little, softly so it doesn’t hurt him, and the sensations travel straight down.

“Stop teasing. Please.” He says, but Philip just ignores him and kisses along his chest. Philip sucks a mark into him and the pleasure-pain leaves his skin prickling.  
They never talked about leaving marks and if that was allowed, but he figured Rose wasn’t going to see it, so it totally didn’t matter. Philip could mark away. 

Philip kisses down, open mouthed kisses leaving him breathless, until he reaches the waistband of his boxers. He looks up at him, and his pupils are blown wide. He knows Philip wants this, but Philip is checking that he wants this too. He’s so beautiful, inside and out, and he’s lucky to have someone that would check with him like that. He brings his thumb to Philip’s jaw and strokes down it once. He brings his hands to his boxers and helps Philip pull them down.  
His dick springs out and Philip looks positively ravenous.  
It shakes him.  
Philip drags his eyes away from it and looks up at him. 

“Lube’s under the pillow.” He says, and he digs around to try and find it. He hands it to Philip when he does.

Philip opens it and he’s hit with the scent of strawberry and it’s so Philip. It’s going to be him too now, and the smell just goes straight down to the core of him.  
Philip opens it and pours some onto his fingers. He does it in his eye line, so he can see everything, so he doesn’t have to worry because he knows what’s coming next.

Philip brings his hand down and he can feel a lubed up finger gliding over his hole. It’s not pressing yet, but it’s there just on the surface, getting him used to it. He’s so glad this is Philip. So glad that he’s not forcing it or trying to rush things.  
He could only ever do this with Philip. 

Philip rubs over him a few more times and he’s getting used to that sensation when Philip decides to push inside.  
It kinda hurts.

“You need to relax.” Philip says, and honestly, that’s easier said than done.

Philip bends down and takes his dick in his mouth, and okay, yeah, that totally feels great. It blows his mind how Philip makes everything feel great all of the time but he’s not gonna give him up, not when he makes things feel this good. 

He just focuses on that, the feel of Philip’s mouth around him, so welcoming, and it dulls the oddity of Philip’s finger entering him.

When his finger is inside as far as it can go though, Philip pulls his mouth away.  
Now he’s just got a finger inside him, and it feels kinda weird,  
Philip pulls his finger out slightly and puts it back in, and scratch that, it definitely feels weird.  
He keeps pushing his finger in and out, making the strokes bigger each time, and he honestly just does not get how this can be good if this is what it feels like. If he’s put Philip and Rose through this, then he’s pretty sad at his skills.

“I can’t feel anything.” He says.

“I’m just trying to get you used to it before I do anything.” Philip says, and he sounds a little annoyed.

“Don’t.” He says, because he totally needs it right now. Whatever it is, he doesn’t want to wait for it.

Philip stares him down, and he’s almost afraid that Philip is gonna make him back off from this. That Philip is just going to keep this up and torture him a little while longer.  
But then Philip curls his fingers and hits something dead on, and fuck.

Shit.  
What the fuck was that?  
Oh god, he needs that again.

And as if Philip can read his mind, he touches him there again.  
His body lights up with it, and holy mother of god, this is the most incredible thing he’s ever felt.

Philip keeps touching him there again and again and he just about goes out of his damn mind. He can feel himself relax more and more, incrementally getting looser, and Philip adds another finger.  
It probably makes it two times as intense and it’s so so much.

He can feel Philip inside him, the pads of his fingers gliding over him and pressing slightly and he just- he can't think or breathe or focus on anything but that. 

“You think you can come from just this?” Philip asks, and his voice is low and like treacle. 

And yeah, he really thinks he could, because it feels incredible. 

He needs more though. He wonders if Philip feels like this when he’s fingered him before. If he feels this greedy when he’s being touched too. 

“More. Need more.”

“Lukas,” Philip gasps, and he sounds as out of breath as he feels. “More means a lot of things. What do you want?”

“Harder. Please. So good.”

Philip takes his fingers out a little more and touches him more insistently, and it's immediately more.  
It’s too much and not enough and he doesn't even feel like the same person anymore.  
He’s so close he can feel it everywhere but it's still not enough and he's going to actually cry if he doesn't come soon. 

“Give me more. Another finger. Please.”

He’s holding onto the pillow but it’s not really helping him hold onto himself at all.

“Fuck. Are you sure you can take three?” Philip asks, and he genuinely sounds like he’s in awe.

And no, he really isn't sure at all but he wants to, he needs as much as he can get and he wants this. He wants to prove that he can come just from this and he wants it to be enough because it feels so so good. 

He nods his head because he's pretty sure his words won't work properly right now.  
Philip slows down until he comes to a stop and he pulls all his fingers out. He adds more lube to three of them. He puts his fingers in one by one to make sure he really can take it all and it’s tender and too much in so many ways.

It’s a tight stretch and it hurts a little bit but the pleasure is far outweighing the pain and now there’s even more of Philip touching the inside of him and it feels like enough. It’s finally enough for him.

It doesn’t take him long to come after that. Not with the way there’s so much of Philip stroking him. 

He can feel it hit him seconds before it does. It builds up inside him and spreads out, consuming every part of him. When it does happen, it feels like something inside him is exploding. He can feel the ripples of it flow everywhere and he's utterly lost. He screams, he knows it, and it's never been that intense before. Ever.  
The aftershocks ravage him and it feels like minutes before he regains control of his body and his mind again. When he stops shaking Philip takes his fingers out; slowly and delicately and it tugs at his heart a little bit. 

Philip steps away and he makes a noise because he's feeling vulnerable and half out of it and he doesn't want to be alone right now.  
He feels like Philip has stolen something from him but given him something even more valuable in return. 

“Hey, hey, I’m right here.” Philip says and he can feel him stepping quickly to try and get back to him. He lies next to him and starts stroking his hair and it feels so so nice.  
Philip cleans him up and it feels kinda weird but at least he won't be sticky now and he's grateful. 

He wonders if that's how much Philip would feel every time he came with another guy.  
No wonder he's gay. 

He rolls over onto Philip and he almost ends up pushing him out of bed. He rests his head and his hand on Philip’s chest and Philip bring his arm around to tenderly stroke his back. It’s tingly and soft and so relaxing.  
He's never been this out of it before, or been out of it for this long and he knew Philip was magic because there's no way an ordinary person could make him feel like that. 

He looks at Philip and he brings his hand up to stroke at his jaw. Philip's eyes close and flutter back open a second later and there's a trace of a smile on his lips. He still has his hand on Philip’s jaw and they're looking at each other and he knows this is a Moment.  
He's half expecting them to kiss, and he doesn't know why because that's not a thing that they do.  
It’s his orgasm talking, but he doesn't know why they don’t. 

“You okay?” Philip asks. 

“Yeah,” And his voice is all scratchy. “Does it feel like that every time?”

“If you do it right.”

And fuck, if it does feel like that every time then he might have to do it again.

________________________________________

He can't stop thinking about it.  
It haunts him everywhere he goes and he just can't stop.  
It’s even worse when he sees Philip, when he zones out of what he's saying because he zones in on his fingers. Every time he sees Philip now he feels a stirring in his jeans and it's just getting plain inconvenient. 

He can't stop thinking about the way Philip took him apart with his fingers. 

He needs to try it himself. 

He thinks about stealing Philip’s lube, but it gets used that often by them that Philip would definitely notice if it went missing. 

 

He steals away after school and goes two towns over so no one will recognize him.  
He has no idea if he’ll get ID’d for something like lube, doesn’t know if there’s an age restriction on buying something like that or if it only applies to sex toys.

He goes into the shop and he’s thankful that it looks discreet on the outside.  
When he gets in though, oh boy, he is hit by a plethora of sex toys and things he’s never even dreamed of before.  
He’s never seen this many dicks in his life at once before, fake or real.

He spots a huge one, a bigger dildo than he could ever think up, and he gulps at the thought of someone fitting that inside them.  
He decides to take a picture and send it to Philip, asking if he wants one for his birthday.

He thought it’d be funny, but the text he gets back, Philip saying he’d need help using it, well, suddenly it doesn’t feel that funny anymore.  
He blushes and tries not to think about Philip sitting on top of that. He tries not to think about _him_ helping Philip sit on that.  
He walks around and tries to find something else to concentrate on so his mind doesn’t drift to that.

He looks and sees something new he never even considered with every turn he takes.  
There’s blindfolds: interesting.  
Whips: not exactly his thing.  
Leather hoods: hard no there.  
Handcuffs: oh. Oh, maybe.

He picks up the handcuffs and imagines himself unable to move and completely at the mercy of whatever Philip wants to do to him. He imagines not being able to touch or do anything and just having to take whatever pace and pressure Philip decides to give.  
Yeah.  
He definitely needs to get these.

He grabs strawberry lube, the only flavor he’ll even consider using now, and decides to get some more condoms for good measure. He had no idea if him and Philip were almost out but it never hurt to have too many.

He’s nervous, feels like he’s done something wrong by being here because he’s totally only 17 but the cashier doesn’t even bat an eyelid. She’s probably seen and been asked way more hardcore things than his vanilla ass could ever want so it’s probably a nice change of pace for her to get something like this.

He pays and she puts it in a black carrier, and that’s it.  
It still doesn’t stop him feeling like a different person as he walks out the store. 

 

He empties the bag onto his bed when he gets home and every single thing looks stark, stands out, in the simplicity of his room.  
He puts the handcuffs and condoms back into the bag because he doesn’t need them right now and he’s actually starting to feel a little shy looking at them.  
He can hide them in Philip’s locker or something. 

He looks at the lube and he feels like he’s practically staring it down.  
It shouldn’t intimidate him this much.

He picks up the bottle and opens it.  
It smells like Philip and he immediately relaxes.  
He closes it again and puts it back on his bed.  
He goes to his door to make sure it’s locked, and then he kicks off his shoes. He walks back over to his bed and tries to take off his clothes as he walks. His t-shirt lands on the floor and he sits on the edge of his bed, topless. His jeans and underwear follow soon after and then he’s naked on his bed holding this bottle of lube.  
He squirts some of his fingers and rubs it around, feeling it’s consistency.

He tries to think of how it felt before, how good it was, so he can relax a little.  
When he thinks he’s okay, he brings his hand down and moves it around, just outside, just like Philip did. He feels a bit weird doing this to himself but he doesn’t want to rush it. 

He pushes a finger inside and the burn from last time is still there. It’s dull though, and if he doesn’t concentrate on it he can try and pretend it isn’t there.  
He pushes more, gets up to the second knuckle, and he can feel himself breaking out into a sweat from it. 

He pushes in and out a few times to try and get himself used to it. Once he thinks he’s got it down, he tries and curls his fingers. Tries to find whatever Philip found so easily.

He can’t find it.

It just feels awkward. He knows he’s not doing it right, but he has no idea how to do it, how Philip made it feel so good.

He needs help.  
He picks up his phone and decides to ring Philip.  
He keeps his finger where it is so his body is used to the feeling. He has a suspicion it won’t take Philip long to cut to the chase. 

“You don't usually ring this early.” Philip says in lieu of saying hi. 

“I need your help. I wanted to- but I don't know how.”

“Fuck, Lukas, just give me two seconds okay.”

He really shouldn’t be surprised that Philip always knows what he means even when he gives barely any information, but he is every time. He’s always surprised that another person can know him as well as Philip does.  
He can hear it go quiet, and there's no background noise at all, and then Philip comes back. 

“Tell me how you've got yourself.”

He can hear shuffling in the background. 

“I don't know, I’m naked and I’m lying down and I lubed myself up and I tried to do it but it just feels awkward.”

“You tried-” And he hears Philip suck in a deep breath like he needs to get a hold of himself, and that shouldn't be as hot as it is. 

“I wish I could just do it for you.” Philip almost whispers. 

He whimpers.  
He actually whimpers at that because fuck, Philip can do it so much better than he can and he just wishes too.

“I wish it was you. You do it so good, feel you so deep.”

Philip moans and it's so hot, even over the phone. It’d probably be even better in person. 

“When you tried, did you manage to get any fingers in?”

“Yeah I got one in and I tried to move it but I couldn’t find it. I still wanna try though. It’s still there,”

“You've still got it inside you.” He repeats, like he can’t quite believe it. Like he has to hear it again for his mind to process it.

He can hear more shuffling, and then Philip hisses, and holy shit, is he touching himself right now? 

“Are you jerking off?”

“What do you want me to say to that, Lukas?”

And that means yes. That totally means yes. Shit Philip is so turned on by the thought of him that he has to touch himself? God it's so intense but it actually makes him want to try and get off too so he can prove to Philip how hot he can be. 

“Are you imagining me all spread out and fingering myself?” He says. 

“Lukas.” Philip says and there's an obvious edge to it. He's warning him. He knows if they do this there's no turning back and Philip is giving him an out but he's always been in with Philip. No matter what they do he always seems to want to do it. This is no exception.

“Tell me what you’d do to me if you were here.”

“Shit. So many things. You don't even know.” It's clearly strained and he can just picture him lying on the bed with a loose grip on his phone and a tight grip on his dick. 

He moves his finger.  
He’s still tight so he goes to get more lube and squirts a little more on two of his fingers. 

“Tell me.” He says, and Philip has to know that it’s a command. 

“Mmm-” And he knows Philip is biting his lip right now, can hear it even down the phone  
He starts pushing inside again, and his body just opens up for him.

“Would you have me on my back or my front?”

“Your back. Wanna see all of you.”

He gasps as he gets more used to the finger moving inside him. He's not where he wants to be yet, but that's why he needs Philip. 

“I’d have your legs wide so I could be between them. I'd press in so slow, just tease you until you were begging for it.

He whines, and he should be embarrassed but he's totally not thinking straight right now. 

“You’re almost there, baby. Curl your fingers a little bit more and go a little bit deeper.”

He does, and shit, Philip was right and he can feel it immediately.

He moans out, and Philip has to know he’s found what he was looking for. 

“You sound so good. You don’t know what you do to me.” Philip says.

He moans again, because fuck, Philip has no idea what he does to him. He’s the one doing this to him, he’s the one inside his head who’s touching him like this and he feels like he’s almost wild with lust for him.

His headboard is banging against the wall and he knows Philip can probably hear it down the phone.

“Shit, Lukas, are you really fingering yourself that hard? God I can practically hear it.” 

It’s totally not fair that Philip is so eloquent when he doesn’t think he could even say a word, never mind string together a full sentence.  
He is doing it that hard though. He needs it that hard and his body is just craving, just wants as much as it can get.

“Feels so good. Think I’m close.” He says.

“Yeah? Are you gonna come for me?”

And fuck yeah, he totally is.  
It’s not as intense as last time but it’s still more than usual. It still makes his toes curl and his mind white out and he’s fairly certain he’s moaning a lot.  
His phone is still to his ear when he hears Philip come. If he hadn’t just come himself that would have probably been the catalyst for him.

“You there?” Philip asks. 

He’s too tired to reply but Philip will know he’s still listening.

“Okay. You go to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

There’s a pause.

“Thank you, for trusting me.”

And then he hangs up.  
His phone beeps at him and that’s the last thing he remembers before he falls asleep.

________________________________________

He walks into the classroom and sees Philip and instantly feels better. Philip always makes him feel better no matter what.  
Then his eyes fall on to who Philip is with… and they are way way too close. They're just sitting there but this guy is leaning towards Philip, paying him way too much attention and it just makes his skin crawl.  
He doesn't like it, not one bit. This guy needs to stop looking at Philip like that because it's not his place at all.  
He walks in and Philip’s head swings towards him like he can just sense that he's there.  
The guy looks where Philip is looking, clearly not feeling the lack of attention Philip is giving him. Good. Philip deserves better than this weasel.  
When he sees it’s Lukas he quickly moves away.  
He’s gonna have to use that to his advantage if this happens again.  
“What did he want?” He asks, and his voice is harsher than he meant for it to be. 

“To talk.”

“Couldn't he have talked to someone else?”

“Is he not allowed to talk to me?”

“He's not good enough for you.” He says. 

“You don't even know him.” Philip sounds exasperated. He doesn't get why Philip even wants or needs to talk to someone else when he has him. 

“I know that no one here will be good enough for you.” He means it. He knows it's the truth because Philip is everything, can do or be anything for someone and no one else in the world could compare to that, especially no one at their school.

Philip is giving him a strange look, eyes seeking and mouth pursed slightly. He's hoping it's not because Philip doesn't believe him because he really is telling the truth.

“You don't want me talking to any boys.” Philip says and it's slightly accusing and he hates that he's right. He _doesn't_ want him talking to any boys.

“It's not because you're gay.”

“Then why not?”

And he can't exactly tell him it's because he's selfish. Because he wants to be the only boy and he's not even giving him any reason to be the only boy. They’ll never be together and he'll never have feelings for him because he's straight. He doesn't blame Philip if he wants to talk to other boys but it won't stop him from absolutely hating it.

“I don't wanna stop spending time with you.” It’s close enough to the truth to not be a lie. Knowing Philip, he’ll be able to read between the lines anyway.

“Okay.” He says. And that's that.

 

That is not that.  
Not in the slightest.

It’s a week and Philip has shown no signs of talking to other guys and it's good. He has Philip all to himself and he hates how much of a selfish wreck he is but he doesn't want to compete for Philip or share him in any way. He doesn't want to think about the fact that it's because he knows if it did come down to it, that the other guy would probably win. 

But then he walks into class, the same class as last week where everything went wrong.  
This asshole is sitting in his chair now. 

He walks up to the table and Philip just… carries on talking.  
What the fuck?  
He’s just standing there looking at Philip and waiting for him to finish talking and he just feels ridiculous. 

“Hey Lukas, Brad’s gonna sit with me today. You can have his seat over there.” Philip says. 

Okay seriously.  
What the fuck?  
He's not playing along with these games. Whatever Philip is doing, he's not gonna buy it.  
He knows he probably has the sourest face possible because even this Brad guy notices it. 

“Dude, if that's not okay I’ll go back to my seat.” ‘Brad’ says, and who the hell even says dude anymore. 

“Do that.” he says. 

“You don't have to do that. Lukas can move.” Philip says at the same time. 

This is not a funny game anymore.  
He's staring Philip down but Philip is just giving it right back. He wants to pull him up by his collar and really get in his face because this is his seat and his table and his boy.  
Philip won't give it up though.  
He goes and sits in Brad’s seat and feels horrible about it the entire class. 

 

The week after is even worse.  
He walks into class and Brad is still in his seat but this time Philip doesn't even acknowledge him. He knows he’s there, he can tell he knows, but he just keeps paying attention to Brad and it just makes him feel hollow inside. 

And then Brad touches Philip’s arm, his hand soft on his wrist.  
Philip doesn't even react to it, and it's definitely something that's happened before.  
He sees red. 

He goes over to Brad’s seat because there's no way he's conceding his own to him. 

“Does he know people can see him touching Philip like that?” He doesn't say it loud enough for Philip to hear but he kinda wishes he did. 

He's still seething because who even is Brad? Where has he been for the past six months that Lukas has been there for? He really thinks Philip can replace him with just a hand on his wrist? He's totally going to show him that Philip can't replace him. Fuck you Brad. 

“You can't say homophobic things like that.” The guy to his left says. He's glad not everyone at this school is an asshole and Philip has support and stuff, but that's not the point right now. 

“I’m not being homophobic. I just want my seat back.”

He’s gonna find a way to get his seat back.  
________________________________________

"I don't want you fucking other guys."

Philip just quirks his right eyebrow and smirks. The bastard can't even have the decency to look surprised at him bursting into his room. He leans up, still not bothering to get off the bed and just looks at Lukas. Looks at him like a shark.

"Yeah? And what do I get in return?"

And wasn't that just the question. What was he willing to give Philip in return for exclusivity? He didn't know and he really should have thought this through before he came storming in all guns blazing.

"Will you let me fuck you?" Philip asks him.

Fuck.

His breath catches in his throat and his eyes grow wide. Would he let Philip do that? He wanted to say no, shut it down whilst he still could but his mouth wouldn't catch up with his brain, slack jawed in shock. Philip had done so much for him though, and if this is what it took to get Philip to be the only one he did this with then maybe it was worth it. Hell, imagining the way Philip moved beneath him, everything Philip did to him, he'd probably let him fuck him every day for a week straight. He could be selfless for once, show Philip how thankful he was for everything he did, thank him for how perfect his mouth and his ass and his everything were. If it meant he got Philip to himself, hell, he'd probably do anything.

"That's what I tho-"

"Yeah."

Now Philip does look surprised, and after everything they've done together, how can this surprise him?

"Facing me? Knowing it's me that's fucking you?"

"Yes."

"Will you say my name when you come?"

And that catches his attention. That's probably taking it too far. His head is swimming; he doesn't think he thought through what he would actually have to do. Fucking hormones reducing him to making decisions with his dick. He feels lost, needs to buy even just a second of time to think this through.

He deflects and hopes and prays it works.

"Who says you're gonna make me come?" Lukas says and if he let a hint of bitterness escape too then that only helped in covering up the fact that he was drowning inside. Who does this asshole really think he is though?

"When have I ever not done before?" Philip says, that damn smirk back on his face.

And that stops him in his tracks. God, yeah, he'd never let him go home high and dry before. Never let him leave this bedroom feeling unsatisfied. Shit, Philip's dick in his ass might feel even better than his fingers and it really couldn't be that bad at all if it would make him come that hard.

"Say it. Say you want me to fuck you or I won't do it."

Philip almost seems impatient now and how can he not know how Lukas' entire life seems to be inverting? How can he not care that this is the most uncharacteristic thing he's ever considered? He's just gotta think about the long game. If he does this today, then tomorrow it's back to Philip writhing underneath him and showing him every secret and trick he has. His skin itches at the thought.

He swallows and his throat feels like sandpaper. It shouldn't be this hard to say six words. It really shouldn't but it is. He knows he has to though. He couldn't lose Philip like this and if he only wanted to do this just this one time then there's no way he couldn't just say it.

"I want- I want you to fuck me."

He's earnest. He really does want this, wants Philip if it means Philip is gonna keep wanting him.

A flash of emotion flits across Philip's face but he quickly shuts it down. He might have meant the words but he still feels sucker punched by them. He can't believe he actually really said that. Philip just looks at him, just stares, and Lukas starts to worry that this whole entire thing is a joke. This is the most naked he's ever felt in this room even though he's fully dressed.

Philip leans back down, fully lying on the bed.

"Take your clothes off then."

Lukas balks. What? Can't he just make it like an IOU or something and Philip can cash this in another day? He's not prepared, nowhere near it, and if he thought he was drowning before then this is something else entirely.

"We're doing this now?"  
He couldn't be serious. There's no way Philip was gonna make him do this now. That wasn't fair at all.

"Unless you want me to go out and fuck another guy tonight."

Yeah, that's not happening. Lukas can feel his expression growing dark but he couldn't give less of a fuck. There's no way he's going to put up with some other guy with their hands on Philip. Philip is his and his alone and no one should be allowed to experience how good his body can be bar him.

He pulls at the back of the collar of his t-shirt, tugs angrily in his haste to get it off his body.

"No. Go slower. I want you to tease me."

He feels hot and cold all over, his body warring with his mind, undecided on if it's hot as hell or the most terrifying thing he's ever heard. He lets his hands drop to his sides. He knows his top is bunched up, that he probably looks a bedraggled mess but if this is how Philip wants it then this is how he's gonna get it. He couldn't do this half-hearted. Everything between them was always all or nothing and he was not prepared to back down now.

He brings his left hand to his left hip, pushes up on the bottom of his t-shirt and it bunches up, gives in and lifts until traces of his milky white skin are exposed. He keeps pushing it up, slow. Philip wanted it slow. More skin is exposed and the air leaves goosebumps in its wake. He lifts his head from the floor, glances up at Philip through his eyelashes. He just sees him, eyes transfixed to his hip, drinking in everything he uncovers. He's biting his lip. It's hot, it's definitely hot, and it fuels him to keep going.

He lets his hand fall and his t-shirt drops to its original position. Philip stops biting his lip and there's a pout to his lips that definitely isn't natural. It's almost adorable and if this was a different situation he'd want to keep it there a little while longer. He looks down and the bulge in Philip's jeans looks slightly more pronounced than normal. Not that he regularly or actively notices Philip's dick, but the tightness of his jeans really don't leave a lot to the imagination.

He curls his fingers into the bottom of his t-shirt, right above the button on his jeans. If he presses his knuckles against his dick before he does it, if he tries to create a little pressure there, then no one needs to know. 

He lifts his shirt up again, slowly, and he can feel Philip drinking in the skin and trail of hair it uncovers.

He feels kinda ridiculous, but he brings his hand down to tease at his nipples, small circles being rubbed with the pads of his fingers.  
He can feel them and his dick getting hard.  
He knows Philip can see that too.

He keeps teasing himself, alternating between rubbing them and pinching them slightly, and he hisses out when his body thrums with a mixture of pleasure and pain.  
He can see Philip palming his dick and he feels hot all over. 

He brings his hand down, slow and light so he’s practically caressing himself.

“Are you watching?” He says, and it would feel like a silly question if he didn’t want Philip’s undivided attention. If he didn’t want Philip to know that he was the one who had gotten him hard.

He unbuttons his jeans, makes it quick, but then he takes his sweet time unzipping his jeans and he tries to make sure Philip has the best view possible.  
Going by the way Philip mirrors him, he guesses he succeeds.  
He pushes down his jeans and tries to take them and his socks off as quickly and sexily as possible. No one can make taking socks off look sexy though and he hopes Philip can forgive him for it.

He stands back up and stretches, loosens himself up as much as possible.  
He can see Philip’s eyes are focused on his dick like it holds answers to all of the world’s problems.

He’s so hard that there’s a visible and clear wet spot staining his heather grey boxers and making them darker. He strokes himself over his boxers and they’re stretched that tight that he wouldn’t be surprised if Philip can see all his ridges and veins. 

He’s gotta make this worth Philip’s while though, because this is probably the only time they’re ever going to do this, and he has to make it so good for Philip that he’ll never want to stray.  
He walks over to him and straddles him.  
He can feel Philip’s hard dick beneath him, and he has no idea how all of that is going to fit in his ass. It’s daunting, so crazy that he’s going to be taking all that soon, but he wants to do this for Philip. He doesn’t want to lose Philip for any reason and this really is a small price to pay.

Philip is still fully dressed, and he’s really gotta change that.  
He lifts up slightly, but he’s still on top of Philip, and he puts his hands between their bodies, undoes Philip’s jeans in the small space he’s created between them. 

They’re so close, they’re basically breathing in the same air, and he’s slightly amazed to find that he actually wouldn’t mind being a little closer.  
He pulls Philip’s top up and off and he just needs to feel him. He’s more than ready for it and he just needs. He scrambles off of Philip, takes off his clothes as quickly as possible and strips himself of his boxers.  
He climbs back on top of Philip and they’re pressed so close in so many places.

Their dicks are touching and it doesn’t weird him out at all because they’re both hard and they both want this and there’s no way he can be squeamish now. Philip rolls him over so he’s on the bottom and it’s almost poetic that he’s got him like this. 

He goes to grab the lube and he pours it on his own fingers.  
Philip is watching him, eyes dark and wide, as he presses his fingers into himself.  
He pushes one in, and quickly adds another, and Philip is just staring at where his fingers are going in and out of him. He looks fascinated and hungry and it’s so so much to have all of that attention devoted to him.  
He scissors himself, splits his fingers apart to try and stretch himself better, get him ready for Philip.  
Philip scrambles for the lube and puts it on his fingers madly. It ends up getting everywhere in his haste and he’s fairly certain he tosses it aside with the lid still opened. That’s totally gonna be a bitch to clean off later but it’s like Philip doesn’t even care. Like all he can focus on is him and it’s so damn heady. Philip presses his hand to his hip and adds his own fingers and he gasps.

It’s so so much.  
He pulls his fingers out and just lets Philip have as much of him as he wants.  
His body just takes it now and Philip can slide in two fingers easily and he looks so enraptured by it.  
It doesn’t take him much to add another finger, and he feels like he can take that pretty easily too.  
Philip must think the same, because it isn’t long before he pulls his fingers out,  
He puts a condom on, puts a bit more lube on it, and then he’s pressing inside.

God, three fingers could have never prepared him for this. It’s so so much.  
Philip though, Philip is taking it so slow, and he knows it must be a strain on his self-control to not just push in but he’s being gentle for him. He’s never gonna know another guy like Philip. There’s no one in the world who’s as much of a standup guy as him.

“You’re so tight, fuck. You’re taking me so well though.”

He keeps pushing in and he has no idea how he’s fitting Philip inside him because it seems to take forever and he’s still moving into him and it makes his head swim that his body is taking this like it was meant for it.

He feels a little uncomfortable, so far out of his skin that he's practically having an out of body experience.

Philip bottoms out and just waits there, waits for him to get used to how much of him he has. He doesn’t think he could ever get used to this.

“Are you okay?” Philip asks, and he’s so sweet and gentle.

“It’s a lot.” He says.

“Yeah,” Philip laughs slightly and he can feel how it jostles him inside him. It’s such a strange sensation but it feels kinda good in the weirdest way. “Do you think you’re ready for me to move?”

And no, he’d never be ready for that, but he supposes now is as good of a time as any.  
He nods

“I’ll go slow. Promise.” And he knows, he trusts him more than anything and he knows he wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt him.

He sticks his pinky up and Philip laughs at him again. It doesn’t stop him from putting his own pinky up and locking them together though.

Philip pulls out slightly and pushes back in, slow. It burns when he does but it’s not too much for him to ask Philip to stop. He does it again, still slow. He keeps doing it until the uncomfortable stretch fades away and instead he’s just being plain stretched to accommodate Philip.

Philip knows he’s okay now though, knows he’s ready for whatever Philip is going to give him.  
He should know by now that Philip could never be a selfish lover.

He moves, keeps shifting and changing the angle, and it feels familiar even though he’s never been on the receiving end of it.  
It’s so plainly obvious when Philip hits that spot inside him. He makes no secret of how good it feels and he clings onto Philip, tries to make sure he stays there forever because fuck, he was so so right. He knew Philip’s dick would feel even better than his fingers and it does and it’s almost too much for him to handle.

He’s moaning, he can’t stop, he’ll never be able to stop as long as Philip keeps doing what he’s doing.

"Will you let me kiss you?" Philip asks him.

'Yes, yes, I'll let you do anything as long as you keep doing that' he thinks to himself. His brain is fried, can't seem to get the words out and everything is so hazy he can barely concentrate. He struggles to open his eyes and Philip is just staring down at him, open mouthed and looking like an honest to god angel sent from heaven. He grabs a hold of his neck and pulls him down. It feels almost natural when their lips meet.

They haven't done this in weeks but it feels so much better than he remembered. The way Philip is pounding into him is setting every nerve ending on fire and all he can feel is tingles in every place that they touch. He sucks on Philip's tongue, wants to keep it in his mouth as long as possible because it's making him feel so fucking good. He's never been possessed to ever do this before but he's just acting on instinct, completely lost any and all inhibitions he's ever had, and right now this is at the forefront of his mind. Philip moans surprised and Lukas just swallows it down, takes everything Philip gives him. He stops sucking and just licks up Philip's tongue and they're kissing again now. It's rough and fast and so so synchronized, like they're slowly becoming one person, completely attuned to what the other wants and is going to do. Philip bites on his bottom lip and he didn't even realize he needed that until he does it. God it feels so good that his body is practically singing, every part of him responsive to the utter unrestrained pleasure Philip is giving him.

He pulls away, can barely breathe because it's almost too good. Philip is still driving into him at a punishing rate and there's no way there won't be consequences for this later. Nothing has ever felt as good as this in his entire life, never, and he knows something in his life is gonna have to give in order for him to receive something like this. He feels like he's on the edge of sobbing because he just can't take how much pleasure he's feeling. Philip must be a god or something because he's practically having a religious experience. He'd worship at the altar every day, sacrifice himself willingly, if it meant he could feel this electric buzz in his veins. Fuck, this is the kind of thing they write love songs about.

He grips onto the headboard, needs a physical anchor so he knows this is real, that he won't float away or wake up because he is nowhere near ready to give this up. His other hand, the one still on Philip's neck holding him close, moves down his body and grips a hold of his ass. God that perfect ass. It's always so hard to keep his hands off it and he hasn't touched it in almost a week and that's way too long. He squeezes it and Philip bucks in response, pressing harder and deeper inside it.

"Fuck, Philip." He says, and it makes Philip push into him even deeper.

It’s so much. He’s never been this full in his entire life and it feels like Philip being here, being like this, is filling a missing part of him he never even knew he had. That having Philip like this is completing a fundamental part of himself.  
It’s so intense and he hopes it lasts forever.

It can’t though, nothing this good can last forever and he knows it’s almost all over because there’s no way a person can take this much pleasure for a sustainable amount of time.

“God, you’re gonna make me come, Philip.” He says, and like last time, as soon as he mentions his name, Philip works his ass off to give him more. If all it takes is saying his name, then he’s gotta do it more. It’s a small thing to ask to get something this big in return.

He kisses him again because he needs to be close to him. Philip doesn’t slow, god he never slows, and he has no idea how he has the stamina for this. Maybe he needs it just as much, won’t let anything stop him from having this. He can totally relate to that. Their moves are moving in tandem just as the rest of their bodies are and it’s so beautiful. It’s more than he’s ever felt in his life and he wishes he could just have this feeling every day for the rest of forever. He trails his hands down Philip’s back, just a trace of nails, and he can feel the way he shakes against him.

Philip holds the back of his head, holds him close and just keeps pounding into him.  
He’s done, that’s it, game over.  
He pulls away because he knows he’s going to come, he can feel it, spreading all over his body just like the last time Philip touched him.  
He made a promise though. He was going to say Philip’s name when he came.

And he did.  
It wasn’t with a scream or a shout. It was a whisper, almost surprised, and he looked into his eyes whilst he said it.  
He gasped his name and fell apart in his arms and it was more than he could have ever dreamed of. 

Philip did the same, sounded in awe and said his name with such reverence and he kissed him through his orgasm, kissed him whilst he came down, and kissed him when he slipped out.  
He didn’t stop kissing him until he fell asleep and he couldn’t kiss him anymore.

 

When he goes to class the following week his seat is thankfully empty, Philip’s arm resting along the top of it. 

They're both smiling at each other across the room.  
He goes and sits down in his chair and he can feel Philip’s hand against his back.  
They’re still both smiling at each other.  
Fuck Brad.  
He knew he’d get his seat back. 

________________________________________

“You didn't tell me you had breakfast with Gabe and Helen.”

He’s walking to class with Philip, and it’s been a few days since they’ve done anything sexual. They actually haven’t done anything together since he bottomed and his skin itches with want. 

“Yeah it was after we-” And he tries to make some hand gestures to describe it, wiggles his fingers a little because he can't actually say the r word. 

“You mean after you last slept over.” And yeah, that's an easier way to explain it. Philip is smirking at him, clearly trying not to laugh at him. Asshole. 

“They said to come over tonight at six and that you'd know what that meant. “

Shit. He was meant to see Rose tonight.  
It wasn't like he couldn't see her another night though. 

“We’re having dinner together.” He says like it's not a big deal. 

“You agreed to that?” Philip asks, and he actually sounds genuinely surprised.

Does he not know by now that he’d do anything for him?

“I wasn't given much of a choice.”

“You don’t have to do it. I can tell them you’re sick or something.”

“Philip,” he says, stopping him and grabbing a hold of his shoulder. “I want to do this. You’re my family. My ride or die. It’s not that big of a deal.”

He thinks it probably is a bit of a big deal but it doesn’t stop him from wanting to do it.

“Okay.” Philip says, and it’s settled. He’s gonna have dinner over at Philip’s house, and he tries not to panic too much about how badly he’s gonna be interrogated.

 

“So Lukas, how long have you and Philip been together?” Gabe asks him. They’re sat down for dinner and he’s glad to hear it was Gabe that had cooked it and not Helen. He does not want to be aware of how true her horror cooking stories are.

He knew they thought him and Philip were a couple, but he doesn’t really mind that they think that. He can totally play along with it, no harm done.

“We’re actually no-’”

“November 20th, sir.” He says, and he knows that’s the day they first did something together so that’s the closest thing they could have to an anniversary.

“You don’t need to call me sir, son.”

Philip is just looking at him and he looks surprised.

“What? Did I get it wrong?” He asks him.

“No. No you didn’t.” Philip says, and he’s smiling now, and it’s soft and just for him. He smiles back at him and these looks are just for them.

“And do you love him?”

“Gabe!” Philip says. It’s sweet that he thinks he needs to be defended.

“Of course.” He says, because who couldn’t love Philip? Sure, Gabe probably thinks he means a different way to how he knows he feels, but he does still love him.

“Does he make you happy?” He says to Philip.

“Yes. More than anyone.” Philip says, and there’s that private smile again, the one that’s just theirs.

“Well, that’s all I need to know. Welcome to the family, Lukas.” 

Helen rolls her eyes.  
“I told you that you were terrible at interrogating.” She says.

She turns towards him.

“What are your intentions, with Philip? She asks.

“I just want to love him and make him happy.” He says, and her face looks pretty much the same but he can see that it’s minutely softened. 

“Do you think you can do that?”

“If he gives me the chance then all I can do is try my hardest.” 

They make small talk for the rest of dinner, and they all conspire to gang up on Philip and make fun of him. It’s not harsh, just nice and easy and happy and he can’t remember the last time he felt this at home. He knows it’s all because of Philip.

He makes sure to eat everything on his plate, and Gabe looks happy at that.  
Him and Philip hold hands for a second across the table and no one even bats an eyelid.  
This is another moment with Philip that he wishes he could stay in forever.

Once everyone’s plates are cleared, they go and sit in the lounge, and he knows Gabe and Helen are prolonging things for him and Philip. That they’re letting them get as much time together as possible.  
He’s more than thankful for it.

“Do you wanna take a picture for Anne?” He asks Philip.

“Oh you're on first name basis with my mom now.”

“Well I could be her son-in-law one day. It wouldn't be right if we weren't tight.”

“You guys have talked about marriage?” Helen says, and the concern is subtle but it's still there. 

“I’ve thought about it. After college and I’ve had my break in motocross.” If Helen thinks he's talking about marrying Philip, then he doesn't have the heart to correct her. 

“Yeah, maybe one day.” Philip says, and it’s sort of insane how they always seem to be on the same page about everything. 

“Well, you two sit together and we’ll go get the camera. That’s a really nice idea, Lukas.” Gabe says.

“We have to take one with you two as well.” He says. 

“Yeah, you’re family.” Philip says, and he gets the feeling that’s the first time Philip has ever said anything like that because they both freeze and look at him with so much pride.  
He’s happy for him. He’s so happy that Philip has made a life here.

Gabe goes off to fetch the camera and Helen is looking at this. She doesn’t seem to have her cop face on, instead it looks more like a mom face and he feels settled here, sitting next to Philip on the couch.

Gabe comes back and he has Philip’s camera.

“I hope you don’t mind.” Gabe says.

“Nah, it’s cool.” Philip waves him off and shifts closer to him. 

He wraps his arm around Philip’s shoulder, lets his hand drift down to settle on his chest and he feels so comfortable right now.

Gabe brings the camera up close to his face, being a total dad about it, and takes a picture.

He doesn’t need to see it though. He knows Philip will look beautiful no matter what.

Once Gabe moves the camera away from his face, Philip waves him and Helen over.

“How are we meant to take the picture though?” Helen asks. 

Philip asks for the camera with his hands and Gabe gives it to him. He figures he’s going to put a timer on it so they don’t have to actually touch it.

“You’ve got ten seconds.” Philip says, handing the camera back to Gabe, and Gabe rushes to put it down somewhere where they can get a decent picture. Helen settles herself next to Philip and Gabe walks over and sits next to Helen.  
It’s a tight fit, all four of them on the couch, so he pulls Philip into his lap.  
Philip makes a noise, but he gets comfortable easily. He puts his arm around Philip’s waist and holds him close and then the camera flashes at them. 

He knows that one will be a good picture too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a lil longer than usual, but it is a bit of a bumper chapter so i hope that makes up for it
> 
> surprise though, lukas bottoming a bit really happened 
> 
> i told y'all it was a smut bonanza today. i had to give you a lil bit of fluff too though.
> 
> we're now officially at the halfway point!!  
> if this fic were a rollercoaster, we'd currently be right at the top, just waiting, and you know what that means  
> there's gonna be twists and turns and we'll be at the finish line before you know it
> 
> also, before anyone asks, when i was writing this chapter i truly believe philip has not slept with anyone but lukas. IF however, he decides lukas is playing this whole 'i'm straight, no homo' thing a bit too much and wants to make him jealous/give him a lil nudge then who can really blame him? you guys might have different interpretations of it though
> 
> fun fact: in the original draft for chapter five i did have a scene of dialogue where lukas asks philip why he doesn't have a boyfriend and philip says it's because he spends too much time with lukas to find one. it's was a jokey exchange but it is kinda true.
> 
> tomorrow: more smut, more fluff, more drama
> 
> like i said, we're gonna reach the end pretty quickly now
> 
> edit: i reread over this and realised i hadn't finished a sentence so that's fixed now. sorry about that


	7. Chapter 7

Having dinner with Philip and Helen and Gabe brings them even closer, and he didn't even think that was possible. 

They’re basically inseparable now, he doesn't really know who he even is without Philip anymore because there's traces of him wherever he looks. All of his best memories that he's been making involve Philip and it's almost like he’s never had to live without him. 

Rose sometimes goes and has lunch with her friends, and he’s left alone with Philip and it’s one of his favorite times of the week, He’s finding it harder and harder to share himself like he is. He just wants to continually spend more and more time with Philip but he knows he has an obligation to Rose and he can’t shirk it. He feels like he’s being split into two people, where Philip gets all his good parts and Rose gets whatever’s left.  
It feels like he has two lives and he’s trying his hardest to make sure that they don’t collide.  
He doesn’t want Philip and Rose anywhere near each other. 

He has no idea where Philip goes when they don’t have lunch together. He hopes he’s not with Brad or some other guy who has false intentions.  
It’s getting warm out finally, and it means they can eat outside. They find a small corner just to themselves, and bask in the sun and each other. He wishes they could just stay like this.

They’re all alone and he knows he can be open with him. That they’re safe together.

“Philip?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you ever want to fuck me again?” He asks, and he can hear Philip splutter slightly.

“Would you want me to?” Philip regains control over himself pretty quickly, and it’s always fascinating to see him move between different states as effortlessly as he does.

“Yeah. I keep thinking about it.”

He sees Philip clench his hand a little.

“Then yes.” He says, and he smiles up at him.

And that’s that.  
That’s an implicit agreement that they’re gonna do it again.

 

It doesn’t take them long.  
It doesn’t even take them until the end of the day.

Philip takes him home. Well, more like he takes Philip home and Philip takes him inside, and it’s just another layer to add to this secret they’re keeping.

Helen and Gabe aren’t in and he’s more than thankful because there is no way he’s going to be able to stay quiet.

Philip takes his hand with a loose grip as he leads him upstairs. The pad of his middle finger runs along the top of his palm and he feels lighter with every step he takes upstairs. He’s completely at Philip’s mercy. He’d probably let him do anything as long as it felt good.

They reach Philip’s room and the door closes behind them with an audible click.  
The silence is deafening, and he can hear and feel the blood rush from his head downwards.  
They’re staring at each other, and nothing is happening yet.  
It almost feels like a duel, a battle of wills and he has no idea which one of them is going to break first.

He takes his shirt off, teases himself out of the sleeves, and whilst he may not be touching Philip, he’s going to touch himself like he is. He’s going to press promises into his skin and hope Philip knows that they’re for him.  
Philip watches him, as he starts taking his own clothes off.  
He’s not sure which of them are winning, but they’re getting naked, and they’re getting closer to being together.  
He figures it’s a tie.

They’re standing opposite each other, their clothes spread around them on the floor and they’re just staring, waiting for the other to make the first move.  
It’s Philip that does, and it’s almost like he’s conceded any and all power he may have had.

Philip takes his hand again and leads him to the bed.  
He pushes him down onto it, but it’s not rough, it’s just letting him know his place right now.  
He asked, and he’s going to get.  
Only Philip can give him this, and he’s making sure he knows exactly that.  
Fuck, it’s one of the hottest things ever.

He makes sure his legs are spread to make room for Philip, and the way he gets on his hands and knees and moves closer to him it just… he can’t even put it into words because he doesn’t have them. He doesn’t think words have been invented for how downright sexy it is. 

Philip settles between his legs, his hands on either side of his head and his body achingly close, but still achingly far away.

“You want this?” Philip asks him.

“Yeah. Yeah.” He says, and it’s as rushed as he feels inside. He’s swept up in it, completely consumed by Philip and the way he can make him feel. He wants this, right now it’s the only thing he wants, and everything else in the world pales in comparison to the significance of this. Even if the world was on fire, if everything around him was ending, he’d probably still only want this. 

They’re not kissing, but their lips are so close to each other that they might as well be. He’s breathing in the same air as Philip and it would take barely any effort on his part to just push up the tiniest bit and connect them properly. Oh god, he wants to, but Philip is making him work for everything he wants, making him take every first step, making him do everything and it’s maddeningly hot. Philip’s hand finds its way to his jaw and he tilts his head back. He curses in response, knows full well he was right to think he was at the mercy of him, and his bottom lip brushes against Philip’s top one. The quick touch sends sparks across his body. Philip slowly tilts his head down, and this time his top lip brushes his own, and it’s teasing and absolutely not fair. 

Philip starts pressing his lips to him once he reaches the dip in his face between his lips and his chin. It’s so close, but so far from where he wants him, but Philip is touching him like he’s on a mission and there’s no way he wants to interrupt that. The kisses are light at first, but the further down he goes, the more insistent he gets. He kisses down his neck, hot and searing, until he reaches his adam’s apple. He can feel Philip gently tease it with his teeth and it’s such a weird sensation, but he’s that turned on that his body is processing it as hot. He makes a small noise, and Philip moves over to the left side of his neck. He’s almost sucking as he works his way along, and when he reaches the meatiest part he starts biting and sucking in tandem. He can feel that he’s making a mark, that it’s going to be visible as fuck, and he knows that they have an unspoken rule about no marks, but right now he can’t find it in himself to care. He lets Philip suck his possession of him, welcomes it. A physical reminder of the pleasure he gets from him wouldn’t be a half-bad thing.

Philip just keeps on sucking and biting and he just keeps on gasping.

He’s rolling his hips now because he can’t, he can’t deal with what Philip is doing to him and he just needs him pressed close again him right now. The pressure in his core is so intense and he just needs friction, needs to feel Philip against him so they can trade glass secrets about how much they want each other.  
He’s wound tight, so tight that it’s absolutely possible for any light touch to set him off and he just needs Philip right now. He knows he’s worked himself up by thinking about this non-stop, knows he’s teased himself by looking at Philip’s fingers and letting himself remember. He knows he’s let himself get swept away, completely submerged in currents of lust when he remembers how it all ended last time. He wants the aftershocks and the lightning back. He _needs_ Philip to be inside him again in any way as soon as possible.

“Philip.” He chokes out.

Philip removes himself from his neck and wipes his mouth, eyes staring into his soul and taking pieces of him to keep. He leans over him, makes sure he presses as much of his body against him as possible, makes sure his mouth is as close as it can be without touching, and gets the lube from under the pillow.  
He shakes when Philip moves away, breathes out heavy, and he’s already so on edge with anticipation. 

Philip slicks up three of his fingers, and he gulps in wonder because he knows he’s going to have all of them soon. It’s a beautiful thought, and he just wants it all now.

Philip brings his hand down and circles his middle finger around his hole. He makes a small noise of affirmation and Philip pushes in.

“You’re more relaxed.” Philip says, and he can see the formations of a smile tugging at the sides of his mouth.

“I know. It feels good. I’ve been practicing.” He says, and he gasps a little once Philip’s finger is inside him up to the second knuckle.

“Hmm.” If he didn’t know Philip as well as he does, he would take it at face value, take it to mean he’s considering the idea, tossing it back and forth in his head. He does know Philip though, and he knows Philip did that just to cover up a moan. He can hear how strained it is and he feels triumphant. Philip may want to act like he’s completely in control right now, but he knows better.

He smirks to himself and tilts his head back a little more. Philip must see it though because he pushes his finger in unexpectedly and it’s completely buried in him. He gasps out, and he can hear Philip laugh dirtily in response. It goes straight to his dick, and fuck, damn him for being so good at this. 

He takes all of that finger until his body basically screams out for another. Philip complies like he knows he would, adds another slicked up finger to him and it just increases the utter gratification he’s getting.  
He moans, because how could he not, and it spurs Philip on to go faster. He moans and Philip gives him more and he moans more and it’s just a vicious cycle really. He rocks into it like he needs it, like his body wants nothing more than this, and Philip curses, breathy and reverent.  
He brushes a third finger against his hole and he just nods in response, because _yes, please_. 

It’s tight, he’s not experienced enough to be used to taking this much but he wants it, he really does, so he takes it with a bite of his lip.  
Philip goes slower, tries to get him used to it, and smooths his hand on his hip to try and comfort him. He tries to spread his fingers, tries to open him up as much as possible but there’s still a little bit of resistance. 

He wants to watch though, he wants to see how his body is taking Philip, how it’s opening up just for him. He puts his hands behind him and presses up on them so he’s sitting up as much as he possibly can.  
Philip quickly takes notice of his new position, and of how his eyes are focused on his hand.

“Oh fuck, Lukas,” Philip breathes. “You wanna watch yourself?”

He nods, because yes, that’s exactly what he wants, but the angles are all wrong. He can see Philip’s hand, see the bottom of it, but it still adds more to what he’s feeling because he can see it and feel it and it’s just mind-blowing.  
God, Philip is inside him and it’s incredible.  
Philip seems to be getting off on the fact that he wants to watch though, because he can see him gripping the base of his dick out of the corner of his eye and it just makes him want to watch more. 

The best of lovers always fuel the other person’s pleasure.

He’s looser now, can easily take three fingers and Philip can spread them slightly, just a little, but it’s enough for him to actually be able to take Philip properly.  
Philip knows it too, because he pulls out and just rests himself between his legs.

“How flexible are you?” Philip asks him, and it’s breathy. His hold on his control is slowly unravelling and it’s one of the hottest things he’s ever seen.

“Why? You gonna bend me in half?” He says it as cocky as possible but inside his body is just thrumming with want and he knows he’s probably coming across as needy as he feels.

“Something like that.” Philip says, and he can feel a low swooping in his gut at that. Fuck, Philip constantly did something unexpected, something that blew his mind, and he couldn’t wait to see what he was going to get this time.

“Get me a condom.” He says, and he just does, he goes and gets one from the bedside drawer because he’s fully aware that Philip is completely in charge right now.  
He’s okay with that though, because he knows Philip would only give him good things in return.

Philip stares him dead in the eyes and rips it open, makes sure he’s looking and paying attention as he puts it on and slicks himself up.  
His eyes are watching Philip’s every move.  
He’s transfixed.

Philip is still looking at him as he takes a hold of his legs and holds them up. He feels a little ridiculous, with his legs up in the air and against Philip, but the way Philip is looking at him, like he has him right where he wants him definitely doesn’t make him feel ridiculous. He feels like the hottest person Philip has ever laid his eyes on.  
There are never secrets in this room, and it’s heady that he’s being looked at so honestly and shamelessly sexual.

Philip has him right where he wants him and that’s when he lines up and slowly pushes in.

Oh god, did Philip’s dick magically get bigger or something? He could’ve sworn he didn’t feel it this deep last time. Shit, he can feel so much of it and it feels so good that he can’t resist trying to see if he can sink down on it a little more.

It’s hard to move though, because Philip is entirely in control here, has him in a position where he can only move minutely. He should be feeling vulnerable right now, because that’s the kind of situation he’s in where he just has to accept whatever he’s given but instead it’s just making him harder than ever. He trusts Philip, trusts him to make it feel as good as possible for him and he knows he’s not gonna walk away feeling disappointed. Not when it’s this good already and they haven’t even started yet. 

“You don’t know how hot you look right now.” Philip says, and he’s one to talk with his slightly open mouth and lust blown eyes looking like an absolute deity.

Philip can tell what he’s doing though, can tell that he wants more, and he tries to press his hips further forward to make sure he has everything.  
He gets more, only slightly, but it’s definitely more and it feels fucking divine. 

His hands scramble to get closer to Philip because he needs more. He needs him to start moving so his pleasure can start evolving and he can be catapulted to the edge.  
Philip knows though. He always knows what he wants and he starts up an almost brutal rhythm straight away.  
It takes him by surprise but this is exactly what he wanted. He hates Philip a little bit for always anticipating his needs, but his honest happiness at it far outweighs any other feelings he may have.

Philip pushes in and out and it hurts a little, but it just adds to his pleasure, gives it layers and depths and makes him feel alive.  
The pain fades though, when Philip finds that spot inside him, and his brain basically fizzes from it.  
He just takes it all. Takes it and loves it. 

“Is that all you’ve got?” He says with fake bravado. The depth of Philip’s thrusts is jolting him up and down, his body rocking with every push, but he’s still acting like he needs more.

Philip takes it for the challenge that it is, and the way he looks back at him, like he’s circling his prey, is so dangerously erotic that he shivers.  
Philip makes sure his legs are still against him, hands gripping to the front of his thighs to hold him in place and starts leaning forward. He does it slow, makes sure his body can take it, and of course his body can, because it was utterly made to take any pleasure Philip wanted to give him. He can feel it almost immediately, both the strain of the muscles in his legs are they’re giving to the new position, and the way the new position makes Philip feel like he’s even deeper inside him.  
Oh shit.  
Oh fuck.  
He’s going to completely lose his mind and be reduced to a simpering, whimpering mess before he’s anywhere close to coming.  
Once he’s got him in a position where it would be hard for his legs to move, Philip moves one hand from his thigh to his shoulder, and the other onto the bed, to give himself more leverage.  
Philip is so close to him now, and he had no idea he was this flexible, but maybe it’s only because he’s with Philip, and his body swallows whole any satisfaction he’s given by him. 

He’s so deep. He can feel so much, and he can’t believe Philip somehow managed to make it better than the art it was last time.

“Is that better for you?” He says into his ear, and fuck fuck fuck, it totally is. He can’t, fuck, he can’t even process how good it is because it’s just so much and so good. He needs something to hold on to but the sheets aren’t enough and the pillow isn’t enough and he doesn’t know what else he has. Philip nips at his earlobe and it’s like every nerve in his body is hypersensitive right now because he just feels it everywhere and fuck, now it’s probably too much, but he can’t get enough of it. If Philip keeps this up he’s going to ruin him for anyone else. With the way he’s making him feel, that doesn’t seem like much of a problem.

With Philip’s hand on his shoulder, it gives him the ability to push him down onto his dick further when he pushes into him, and the force of it leaves him uttering choked off moans. It’s so fucking deep that all of his senses are blurred and blinded by the sheer pleasure.  
He needs more.  
He needs everything.

His hand comes up the back of Philip’s neck, and he can feel the slide of his skin from the sweat on him. It should be totally gross but it’s the opposite. It’s a faithful remainder of how much Philip is putting into this to make him feel good and he’s so thankful. His hand slips up further so it’s rest on the back of his head, the hair pushing up to make room, and he clenches his fist to get a better hold. Philip moans against him and it feels like one of his favorite rewards. He pulls Philip up so he’s right in front of him, so he can see every feeling he has etched onto his face, and it’s so beautiful. He can see Philip bite his lip. Whether it’s from exertion, or trying to keep a hold of himself, or the way he’s looking at him, he doesn’t know. All he knows is that it’s hot and he just wants to kiss him.

Philip is looking at him, and he can see his eyes fall to his lips, and then drift back up to his eyes. Back and forth, eyes moving on every other beat of his hips and it’s just too much to not find the strength to press himself up and claim his lips.  
Philip wants him, and it’s blissful how he never tries to hide it when they’re like this.

There’s this power play between them now, and the closer Philip gets, the more he’s losing control and the more he’s letting him take the lead. Philip keeps one hand on his shoulder but the other goes to the back of his head. They’re both holding onto each other, both keeping their lips locked and right in front of each other. He’s moaning into Philip’s mouth, his tongue giving touched confessions of how much he loves this, and how he doesn’t ever want to escape. They way they’re pressed close, the way they’re fucking feels like a sacrilegious prayer and he doesn’t know how he can feel so pure and righteous when he’s committing such a sin. It doesn’t matter though, if he’s selling his soul to the devil right now then that’s fine because this is more than worth it in return. 

He lets his other hand snake down between them to touch himself. He’s greedy, and with Philip giving him everything, it only makes him want more. He’s not sure he’s going to be able to survive this much pleasure. He doesn’t have to go fast because he’s almost there. He’s so close he can almost taste it, and maybe that means Philip can too. 

He separates himself from Philip but the distance between them is minute, negligible at worst.

“I’m close.” He whispers out.

Philip nods a few times, and somehow it’s slow and fast at the same time. His mouth is still open from being kissed and he looks so out of it. It’s hot, and it’s even hotter when Philip drags him back in like he can’t get enough of him. The way their bodies are pushing together, giving and taking just as much, it’s frantic and otherworldly and should go beyond something as simple as sex.

They kiss for a couple more seconds and it’s full of tongue and want.  
Philip pulls away this time, but the way he does it is hesitatingly reluctant. 

“Let me hear you.” Philip says, and their mouths are barely parted and it just adds to it. 

They’re still holding each other and they’re just trapped in this moment. He comes with Philip’s name on his tongue and Philip groans at it just like always, his hips stuttering. He’s pressing in at breakneck speed now but he’s only trying to get himself off, just chasing his euphoria and it’s barely a few more strokes before he’s done too.  
He kisses Philip through his orgasm, just gentle presses of his lips and he hopes it leaves him tingling just as much. 

Philip stops moving when he’s had his fill and he gently pulls out enough for him to get back into a normal position that doesn’t require him being bent in half. Once he’s resituated, with the strain being removed from his legs, Philip moves away completely and flops onto the bed next to him.

“Shit.” Philip says, with a half surprised laugh.

He couldn’t agree more.

________________________________________  
He knocks on Philip’s door and Helen answers. 

“Oh hey Helen. Is Philip in? 

“Where are you going?” She asks.

“I was thinking of taking him to the movies. You know, get away for a few hours.”

She’s looking at him like he's forgetting something. It’d be nice if parents were just outright with whatever they wanted. It’d make his life a whole lot easier. 

“And then we’ll come back and totally help each other with our homework.” The way he says it though, his voice inflecting at the end, makes it almost sound like a question. 

“That's better,” she says. “And you can stay for dinner as well.” And he knows there’s no room for argument.

He nods at her, and she shouts upstairs for Philip.

“Hey. Where are we going?” Philip comes down the stairs and he's smiling at him. 

“It's a surprise.” He says, and Philip’s face shifts into what he knows is the smile he uses just for him. How could he ever help himself from smiling back? 

“Do I need any cash?” Philip asks him.

“No. I've got it covered.” 

Philip quirks his eyebrow up slightly but doesn’t say anything to it.

“We going now?”

“If you’re ready.”

“Just let me go get my jacket.” Philip says

Philip walks off in the direction of another room. He looks over whilst he’s waiting, and Helen is just smiling at him approvingly. He’s glad he’s got her in his corner. It makes him feel something happy and bright deep inside him. 

Philip comes back and walks over to him.  
If he makes a slight show of taking Philip’s hand, if he revels in Philip’s surprised smile, well it’s all to make sure he stays in both their good books.

They walk out the door and he doesn’t let go of Philip’s hand for a second.

“Sometimes I think she prefers you to me.” Philip says once they reach his bike. 

He let’s go of his hand and pretends he doesn’t miss it even a little bit.

“That's because she's got good taste.” He says, and Philip pushes him playfully. 

“Keep on dreaming.” Philip says sarcastically.

“If she wants me to move in I’m not gonna say no.”

“Oh yeah? And where would you sleep?” Philip raises his eyebrows in amusement.

“In your room with you.” He says, like it's obvious. 

“Because Helen would totally be on board with that.” Philip’s tone is utterly droll and it’s almost too much for him.

“She knows we’re having sex and she still lets me in the house so I’m a shoe in really.”

“I don't think that means she's going to encourage it by letting us share a bed every night.”

“You don't know how charming I can be.” He says, and Philip rolls his eyes at him. Rude. 

“So, where are you taking me?”

“I told you, it’s a surprise. Be patient, princess.” He says, and there’s a hint of sarcastic realism in his voice.

“And here I was thinking you were above gay jokes.”

“I’m never above making fun of you.” He says, before starting the engine and drowning out any sound of Philip’s reply, if he had one. 

 

They pull up outside the movie theater, and Philip doesn’t look overly impressed.

“Hey, it’ll be fun I promise.” He says, hand on Philip’s chin.

They go inside and he really didn’t think this through because all of the films look absolutely dreadful.

“We don’t have to do this.” He turns round to Philip and he really does not want to disappoint him.

“Well you’ve brought me all the way here. You can’t go pulling out on me now.” 

They walk over to the counter together and he just buys whatever tickets there is to the next showing. 

It’s a romcom. It’s a super shitty romcom and it’s actually kinda funny that they’re going to see this together.

“How about we get a bunch of snacks and tear this film to shreds?” He says, and the way Philip is smiling at him makes him think he’s on board with that plan.

 

“Emma, why can’t you see José is the one for you?!” He shouts. They’re sitting along the back row and this film is so much better when him and Philip are trading snarky comments back and forth.  
Someone from way down near the front row shushes them and they burst into a fit of giggles.

“Emma, Clive is just using you. Open your eyes!” Philip shouts, and they get shushed again.

They snigger to themselves and they’re probably definitely a little hyper from the sugar.  
The film is still terrible though.  
Being here with Philip makes it infinitely better than it would be if he was here with anyone else. 

They keep trading comments, whispering them to each other, and if he actually starts getting into the film and getting invested in these dumb characters, then only Philip is ever going to know about it.

“Am I a Clive or a José?” He asks Philip, and it’s such a dumb question that he honestly regrets it a little as soon as he’s saying it.

“You’re my José.” Philip says, and he can tell he’s joking by the way he’s looking at him.

He doesn’t know if it’s the film getting to him or not. If he’s actually a closet romcom fan and he never even knew it until today, but he’s just grabbed and possessed by the urge to do _something_.

He leans over, there’s no armrest between them, and he places his hand on Philip’s chin again. He makes sure Philip is looking at him. He makes sure Philip is paying attention when he presses his lips to his.  
Philip makes a noise of surprise, but then his mouth opens up to him, and it doesn’t even take a second for it to go from something chaste to something more.

They’re making out in the back row of a movie theater and he’s such a teenage cliché right now.  
If this is what it means to be a cliché, then he might have to totally do it again sometime.  
Philip’s mouth is open for him and he flicks his tongue inside, maps out every piece of him possible and it’s so heated and full of curiosity and intimacy.  
It makes him tingle all over.  
Philip kisses him back, headstrong and wanting and so sure, and it only adds to the intensity and wonder of it all.

Their tongues slide over each other’s and he manages to lose track of time. All that exists is him and Philip and how their mouths connect. He never knew what he was missing out on by not doing this sooner. He never knew this kind of intimacy could add even another level to their friendship and make them even stronger than before.

They miss the end of the film. The lights come on and he has to blink repeatedly to readjust  
He has no idea how it finishes, but he can imagine that Emma and José end up together.

They walk out, and he’s here, he’s in a completely different town where no one knows him and there can be no consequences for his actions.  
After making out for half an hour, holding Philip’s hand seems tame in comparison. He does it anyway, and today, for whatever reason, he’ll take any excuse to be as close to him as possible. 

 

He can’t stop thinking about how he kissed him all the way back to Philip’s house.  
He especially can’t stop thinking about how much he can’t wait to get his hands back on Philip and do it some more.

His want must drip off him or something, because he can totally feel Philip fidget against him on the back of the bike, and he’s half tempted to pull over and just take his fill.  
He doesn’t though. He manages to get Philip back to his house, even though it’s a close call on multiple occasions. 

They pull up and he takes his helmet off, gets off and looks at Philip.  
With the way Philip looks back at him, how he visibly gulps, he’s guessing his intentions are pretty obvious right about now.

On the very short walk back to the house he tries to calm himself down some. Tries to get himself in check and he has no idea what the hell has got him so wound up today.  
They walk inside and he makes sure to stick close to Philip, makes sure to keep his hand on the small of his back so they’re connected, even if it is in a somewhat minute way.

Helen comes out to greet them and he hates that she’s a cop because she can just sense anything from a mile away. 

“Remember, we’re in the house.” Helen says, and god, is he really that obvious about how much he wants Philip? He feels like he hasn’t touched him in days and he’s starved for it, needs it more than anything he’s needed before. His skin itches and he won’t feel satiated until he gets Philip beneath him or on top of him or somewhere where he can just kiss and give and take to his heart’s content. 

“What time is dinner?” Philip asks.

“In an hour.” Helen says, and she’s eyeing them suspiciously.

It’s enough time.  
If they wanted to do something it’s enough time.

Who’s he kidding? He definitely wants to do something and he hopes Philip feels the same.  
By the way he’s walking up the stairs, the way he’s slightly exaggerating the swing of his hips because he knows he’s watching, well, he guesses Philip wants to do something too.

They go into his room, and once the door closes behind them, they’re immediately on each other.

They kiss now. They always kiss now and it only makes everything they do that more real. If he’s going to practice with Philip, if that’s the reason he keeps doing this, then he’s going to make it as real as possible.  
Kissing Philip isn’t as much of a hardship as he thought it could be though.  
It’s probably not even a hardship at all.  
It’s actually kinda nice.  
It’s actually something he wants to do.

He kisses Philip like he can’t get enough of him. He kisses him in hopes that he’ll be able to convey everything he feels for him and he has no idea if it works or not, but Philip never stops kissing him back. It feels like enough for right now.

It’s frantic, how their mouths collide, and all he wants to do is strip himself of all of his clothes and his everything until all he ever knows again is Philip. They cling to each other, and his hands are in Philip’s hair and his tongue is in Philip’s mouth and it’s just so intense.

Philip pulls away.  
“Music. We gotta put it on. I wanna get loud with you.”

Philip practically runs over to the stereo and turns it on, presses play as quickly as possible and makes sure it’s loud.

He doesn’t care what it is because it’s not like he’s going to be paying any attention to it. When Philip is in the room, the only thing he can pay attention to is him. It doesn’t matter, none of it matters, because Philip is here and he’s got to have him. There’s no other options and nothing else to concentrate on. 

They’re back together and his clothes are coming off. The only place they’re touching is their mouths and it’s not enough, nowhere near enough. When he has Philip pressed up against him though, hot skin against hot skin, then this small sacrifice will all be worth it. 

They’re still kissing and it feels almost never-ending now. It’s not too much and it’s barely just enough and he really doesn’t want to stop this any time soon.  
He has to though. There’s no way to avoid it when he needs to take his t-shirt off so he can be pressed close to Philip again.  
They do it at the same time, almost unaware that they are, and they’re just that in sync now.

Philip comes back to him and they’re both naked and it’s just electric.  
Their hard lengths are pressed up against each other, and it’s hot, it’s so hot to know Philip wants this as much as he does.  
His hands go to wrap around Philip’s shoulders, and Philip’s land on his waist and they’re just pushing each other closer together. He can almost feel the sparks that the two of them are making.

The kiss is hard and soft and every kind of juxtaposition he can think of and it’s just extraordinary to get to experience another person this way.  
Philip pulls away again, and he puts his thumb up to Philip’s lip so he can still be as close as possible to him. 

Philip is looking at him and his mouth is open slightly and all he wants to do is keep kissing him. 

Philip brings his hand down and locks it with his own, leads him over to the bed and gently places him down on his back.  
He has no idea what to expect, but he doesn’t care what it is as long as Philip is the one who’s doing it. 

Philip climbs on top of him, ass directly over his dick, and he leans down to kiss him more. His hands come to rest on Philip’s back and he teases him with just a hint of nails. He can hear the change in Philip’s breath when he does and it’s so intoxicating.  
It just makes him want to kiss him more. 

He sits up and pushes Philip back when he does, holds onto him whilst he gets himself properly situated against him.  
They’re still kissing.  
They should never stop kissing.

They’re kissing even when Philip brings a hand down and steadies his dick so he can sit on it. He takes it slow, gets himself used to it, and nothing is as good as being this close to him.

Philip lifts himself up and pushes himself back down, still slow at the moment, but he can feel it all the way down to his toes and he doesn’t care how clichéd it is but the way his entire body tingles is so pure. 

“Philip, shit.” His eyes fall shut and he has no idea when the hell things with Philip got this intense, when it started feeling like this and it’s probably not natural that every touch makes him feel on fire.

Philip’s hands light him up from the inside until all he can feel is pure warmth, and there’s no way it should feel this good. He thought the novelty would wear off the more times they did this but instead they’re molding to each other and now he doesn’t know how he’s even meant to be the same person anymore. He can’t be, not when Philip touches him like he’s going to take him apart from the inside out. 

He’s holding Philip in his lap and he’s giving him scorching kisses. He knows what they’re doing right now is something more. There’s no way it can’t be; no way this is something people do every day. 

He’s got one hand on Philip’s shoulder and the other on his hip and he’s helping Philip rock himself back and forth against him.

“Do you feel it too?” He asks Philip. He really doesn’t want to be alone in this. Doesn’t want to be the only one who’s feeling incredibly overwhelmed.  
Philip nods his head quick and breathes out heavily, and of course they’re on the same page. Of course they feel the same.  
He grabs a hold of the back of Philip’s head and drags him down into another kiss. There’s not enough air like this, neither of them can breathe properly, but it doesn’t matter because he’d rather be lightheaded and kissing this boy than any other possible alternative.  
They break apart but he keeps him close and he’s pushing up into Philip’s heat whilst Philip pushes down and he’s getting so so deep now. They’re breathing in each other’s air and it’s so so intimate. He’s looking him dead in the eyes, and he wants him to know that every inch of him right now is dedicated to him. 

It slowly builds up on him, the very definition of crescendo, and it feels like it takes him years to finally reach the end. He’s glad, because he wants to stay in this moment, stay with Philip in his lap devoting everything he has to him, as long as he possibly can. He’s glad his body is in agreement with his mind for once. 

They’re still pressed up against each other, mouths close enough to kiss but never becoming anything more, and he doesn’t know how this can be comfortable for Philip. He’s not complaining though, because he wouldn’t want him to move from where he is right now. 

He starts getting desperate though, needs more and more because he’s being driven insane by his pure want and lust and utter loyalty to Philip.  
He grips his ass and pushes harder and just tries to take as much as possible.

“Yeah,” Philip breathes into his mouth. “Just like that.”

He grips him and slides in and out with increasing friction and Philip keeps uttering these little ‘uh’ noises that are driving him wild.  
He can feel Philip fall apart more and more with every thrust and it’s so powerful how they’re feeling and how they’re fucking.

“Philip, fuck, no one could ever feel as good as you. Need you to breathe. Want every part of you.”

Philip moans out and bounces more forcefully on top of him and his eyes roll into the back of his head.  
Saying his name never fails to make him give it to him harder and better and it’s such a simple trick that he can’t help use it time and time again. 

He rolls his hips and Philip looks back into his eyes. He’s looking at him as if he knows everything and he accepts him and he needs this just as much and he can’t handle it anymore.  
It comes over him in waves and feels like a gut punch.  
He feels like he comes a million times over and it’s just so so much.  
He kisses Philip’s neck to try and muffle his moans when he does and that seems to be enough for Philip too.

He grabs him, one hand on either side of his head and he kisses him. Philip kisses him through both of their orgasms and it’s just… it’s breathtaking.

He stops moving when the sensations just become too much for him and Philip pulls away, huffing out heavy hot breaths against his kiss-stained lips.  
He kisses all over his face whilst he comes down, a press of lips to his cheek and his chin and his forehead and he just needs to kiss every beautiful part of him as much as possible.  
Clearly he’s going to be here for a while.

Philip dismounts but still stays close and they’re just stroking down each other’s arms and trying to get a hold of themselves.  
He doesn’t get how it’s possible for Philip to turn his whole world upside down with one fuck. He does though, he changes everything.

When he goes downstairs, Gabe can’t look either of them in the eye.  
Shit, they’ve really gotta turn the stereo up higher next time.

________________________________________

Him and Rose decide that they should try again. It’s been months since they last tried something like this, but she's decided she wants to, and he thinks he sort of owes her that for being so patient all this time. 

He can't get it up.  
He’s not surprised in the slightest. 

She looks so disappointed because she's there and she's naked and she wants to, but he can't seem to bring himself to want it back. He still likes her outside of sex, and he doesn't get why that can't be enough for her.  
She wants this though, so he's going to have to try to make it work. 

He tries to think of things that he knows he should find attractive; girls and girls and more girls. It doesn't work.  
He tries to think about motocross and it's weird but he never knows, it could be something that his body wants. That doesn't work either. He almost wants to give up, because he knows, deep down he knows what gets him harder than anything else, but thinking about Philip whilst with Rose kinda feels like cheating, on _him_. 

He's got no choice though. He imagines he's with Philip and it's so easy to slip into it because he's been with Philip what feels like a thousand times. They know each other’s bodies inside and out by now. He thinks about Philip, how he feels and how he makes him feels and it’s almost instant how the blood rushes south.  
She looks so happy, she thinks she's doing this, and he can't break it to her that he's thinking about someone else entirely. 

He closes his eyes.  
If he thinks about Philip, then he can get through this. 

She climbs on top of him, and yeah he can almost imagine this is Philip because he'd done this with him not even a week ago. 

They sink down and it’s warm and welcoming and he has just enough imagination to trick himself into thinking this is actually him, and not her, that he's doing this with. 

His hands go to their thighs and he anchors himself like this. They start to move up and down, and it's not as quick as normal, but that's okay, then can go slow and take their time and work up to it if they want to. 

It’s too wet, but they’ve probably just used a bit too much lube this time, and that’s okay, it happens sometimes. They’re not quite perfect yet. but every time they’re together it feels like they’re one step closer.

He holds their hips down and rolls his own up and the friction is good. It’s good and he needs to chase it. 

He’s picturing how Philip would look right now, head thrown back as he swings his hips back and forth against him. It’s almost enough to make him shudder.  
Fuck, Philip is so good at making him feel good.

He pulls them towards him by their hips and the drag is quick and hot.

"Philip, feels so good." He gasps out.

They stop and what? That makes no sense. Philip loves it when he uses his name.

"Did you just call me Philip?"

Rose.  
Fuck.  
His eyes fly open.

Rose is looking confused and upset and unimpressed and there is no way he can talk himself out of this one.

"Why were you thinking about Philip?"

“I wasn’t. I was just thinking-”

"I can tell when you're lying Lukas, so don’t even bother." There are tears in her eyes and this is absolutely not what he wanted to happen. Everything is snowballing out of control and he just feels lost at sea, like he's been thrown overboard and there's no one around to rescue him.

"Have you slept with him?" She asks and it's so sudden that he's not sure what to do. Because she's right on the money and he kind of wasn't expecting her to jump to that conclusion so quickly. 

He stays silent. There's no point in lying, especially if she can see right through him. He owes her the truth at least; after everything he's done. She takes his silence as an answer and her face crumbles, tears falling freely. She's fully sobbing and Lukas is still inside her, achingly soft now and this is the most uncomfortable he's ever felt in his life. He feels bad for her, he really does and he honestly never meant for it to come to this. She looks up at him and her face is so open and heartbroken that it tugs at his insides a little.

“How long?” She asks, and her face is blank now, like she's numb to everything. 

“Since November.” And even if it hurts her, it's better for her to know the truth. 

He doesn’t know how he’s managed to do this for so long without hurting anyone. It’s been too long and it was bound to catch up with him sooner or later. As soon as he first touched Philip there was a countdown on whatever they had and it’s finally reached zero. Maybe it was a bomb and now he’s got to deal with whatever damage it causes. It’s probably enough to implode his entire life.

“Five months?” She asks, and he just nods, because yeah, almost five months. 

"Do you love him?"

"No." he says, because that's the truth.

"Oh honey." she says, and leans down. Her hand is stroking his arm in a comforting motion and this is so backwards that he can't quite believe it. He feels like he’s missed something because how can she be crying but he be the one that needs to comforted. The weight of what’s done hits him. He’s been voluntarily fucking a guy for months. He gasps, because honestly how the fuck did he justify that to himself for so long? He’s angry at himself, even angrier because he knows he can feel tears falling down his face and what reason does he have to cry? He’s the asshole here, he’s the one in the wrong, and he’d been cheating on his girlfriend to be a better boyfriend and he can’t believe he explained that one away in his mind.

He doesn't get what's wrong with him. He doesn't get how he convinced himself it was good to be a bad person. 

Rose finally gets off him and he has no idea what to do. He’s looking at her and it's like he doesn't even know her because he just does not know what he's meant to do right now to make everything better.  
Maybe there isn't a way to make this all better and he's just completely fucked it. 

“I think you should go. I need time to think.” Her voice is closed off and he knows he has no option here.

She’s right though, he should leave and she does need to time to process everything, time away from him, because he’s just dropped a major bombshell right there.

He quickly gets himself half dressed, enough to be presentable if he bumps into anyone on his way out, and leaves her bedroom the soonest he possibly can.

 

They go to school the next day and they still act the same. She still meets him outside in their spot and she still looks happy to see him. She kisses him on the cheek and he just doesn't get it because he broke her heart last night in the worst way. She's just being so nice and he doesn't get what he did to deserve it. If she's going to act the same then he's going to act the same too. He slings his arm around her shoulder, holds her close to his side and she looks up and smiles at him, just the same as she does every day. She looks beautiful in this light and he can't believe how lucky he is to have this girl with him.

They walk in step and go inside, head to her locker like they do every morning. Some of their friends are already there waiting and they start up a conversation about something shallow and inconsequential just like always. They're talking about what they did at the weekend but Rose isn't joining in. It’s so unlike her that he looks down at her to make sure she’s okay.  
She’s focused on something so he follows her eyeline to see what it is.

She's glaring at Philip.  
Philip is glaring at her.  
That's new.

Philip must sense he’s looking at him because his eyes quickly flick to him and it's like he's staring into his soul and trying to steal all his secrets. He can't tell if Philip’s found whatever it is he seems to be looking for or not because after what feels like a second of them looking at each other, he turns away and walks in the opposite direction to where they are. He knows Philip’s class is the other way, past them, but he just watches him walk away. He’s not sure he has the right to say anything. 

________________________________________  
“We need to talk.” Rose says.

Oh god, those dreaded words. He had no idea what Rose wanted. Maybe she wanted to get back together. It didn't seem like a great idea but they could talk about it. Jesus, what if she was pregnant?

“Come over tonight. My parents are going out for dinner so we’ll be alone.” She says, before kissing his cheek and walking away. He knows he's slightly paled but he has no idea what to expect. He really hopes she isn't pregnant.

 

He goes over to her house and he’s honestly scared shitless. 

“Sit down.” She says, and he feels like a little child about to be scolded.

“I’m ready to know everything, and you're going to answer all of my questions. Okay?”

He just nods because he's not entirely sure what he's expecting but she probably does deserve to know everything. She's been great since they've broken up and he should've expected it wouldn't last. He should've known there was a storm brewing inside her.  
She's still pacing back and forth and it's making him nervous.

“How did it start? You and Philip?”

There is absolutely zero ways that he can answer this nicely. It made complete sense to him at the time but he knows that excuse won't fly with her. He's trying to mull over the best way to tell her but clearly it's taking too long.

“Lukas, be honest. I need to know.”

He sighs.  
This is only going to hurt her.  
Why is she doing this to herself?

“I hadn't done it before, you know that. I wanted to practice first, so I could be good for you and-”

“Wait. You had sex with him before you had sex with me?”

He nods and she stops walking. She's hurt, obviously she is, because she gave him a part of herself and didn't get anything in return for it. 

“What did you do with him?”  
He’s starting to feel really uncomfortable right now and he almost wants to say it was none of her business, but it kinda was. He really didn't want to tell her; the answer was too much but it didn't look like she was going to back down.

“Everything.” He says, and his voice is low, his head downcast like he's ashamed. He’s not entirely sure he is though. 

“Did you jerk him off?”

“No.”

“Did you blow him?” 

“No.”

She looks a little bit happier at that, but she really shouldn't get her hopes up, because the things he actually did do are so much worse. 

“But you fucked him?”

“Yes.”

“What else did you do to him?” She demands. 

“Rose-” He says, because she really doesn't need to hear this. She's just torturing herself by doing this and he wants to save her whilst he still can. 

“No, Lukas, you need to tell me.”

“I went down on him.” He says with a sigh. 

“But you just told me you didn't blow him.”

“I went down on him.” He repeats, and he can see the wheels turning in her head, can see her trying to figure out what he means, and he can tell when she doesn't. He doesn't know if she looks disgusted or not. 

“Before or after you went down on me?” She asks. She needs to stop. This isn't helping anyone. She's not going to stop though, and isn't it funny how the two most important people in his life are the two stubbornest people he's ever met. 

“Before.” He says, and it almost feels like a death sentence. 

There are tears in her eyes and he feels so awful about it but he knows if he tried to comfort her she’d just reject him. That's not what he's here for right now.

“What did he do to you?”

“A lot of things.” Because it wasn't everything, but it might as well have been. 

“Did he touch your dick?” She says, and he can hear her voice wavering. He can hear how she's trying to fight her tears and he feels dreadful. 

“Yes.”

“Did he blow you?”

“Yes.”

“Did he- did he,” she pauses like she doesn't know how to finish the sentence, like she can't bring herself to do it. “Did he go down on you?”

“No.” Because Philip never had. He'd never given him a reason to and Philip never overstepped his bounds. 

She sighs and it's probably as much out of relief as it is out of sorrow. 

“Did he fuck you?”

“Yes.” 

“How many times?”

“Twice. We haven't been doing that long.”

“Did you like it?” And what the hell is he meant to say to that? He knows if he tells her the truth she’ll get the wrong idea. She’ll think he's gay or something. He has to be transparent with her though. Knows she’ll just get more upset and call him out if she thinks he's lying. 

“Yes.”

“Do you want to do it again?”

“Only with Philip.” He says, because he really could only imagine himself doing something like that with him. It’s only ever been him. 

“But you don't love him?” She asks. 

And of course he loves him. He's his best friend, the person he's closest to in the world, but he doesn't love him the way Rose thinks he does. The way Helen and Gabe thinks he does.  
It's a little strange how everyone seems to think he's in love with Philip. 

“No. I don't.”

“Then why did you keep doing it for so long?”

“I didn't know how to stop.”

“Did he, ever force you or anything?”

“No,” he says, and he's adamant. Philip would never do that to him. “He always gave me a choice.”

And he always chose to go back to him again and again.  
He still can't figure out why. 

“Do you think he loves you?” Rose asks, and he can’t quite figure out her tone.

“No. This doesn't mean anything to him either.” And he honestly doesn’t mean to sound as despondent as he does.

She sighs, and he doesn't get what point she's trying to make by asking all of these questions. 

“If you had the chance to do it again, would you do it any differently?”

And damn, isn't that a question. He has to think about it, because would he do things any differently? He’s trying to imagine a life where he doesn't have Philip like this. Where they're just friends and the first and only person he ever sleeps with is Rose. It doesn't seem right; he can't seem to do it. All he can focus on is how he would never know what Philip feels like and that feels like the biggest tragedy he's ever know.  
He's had Philip so much that he can't picture not having him. 

“No. I’d probably do the same thing.”

She closes her eyes and he thinks she was probably expecting that response. 

“Do you prefer having sex with him?”

“Yes.”

“Did you ever even want to have sex with me?”

“Not really.”

She's crying again and he feels terrible. They are silent tears now though, and he thinks she must be almost all cried out. He said he was going to tell her the truth though, and he is even if it is entirely horrible.

“Why did you do it then?”

“It made you happy. I wanted to be a good boyfriend.”

“And you think screwing another guy behind my back for months makes you a good boyfriend?” She's shouting now, and he should really have expected this. It doesn't hurt either of them any less. 

“No. No I don't. I never wanted to hurt you, Rose.”

“Then you shouldn't have gone anywhere near him. You should've never defended him. You should have never tried to be friends with him at all.”

“I couldn't imagine my life without him.” That's what he says in response. 

She sighs again, and he seriously feels like he's not getting the whole picture. 

“When did you start doing it just for fun?” She asks.

He doesn’t get the question.  
He was never doing it for fun. He always justified it as being practice for her and it always was. He never tried to make it more because it never was more.  
He doesn’t believe himself as he’s saying it.

“I don’t know. Maybe this past month. Maybe always. I just don’t know.” And he sounds sad about it because his head is such a god damn mess right now. He can’t think because he has no idea what’s real and what he’s just been making up.

“You need to think about what all this means to you, Lukas. About what you want.” She says, and it’s clearly the end of one discussion and the start of another that he’s going to have to have with her soon. He doesn’t want it. It’s going to be too much for him to handle. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” She says, and she makes it clear that that’s his cue to get out.

With every step he takes away from her he just feels more and more confused.  
He thinks maybe he just told her something that he might not have told himself yet.  
Nothing makes sense and he just misses Philip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... rose found out  
> how do you guys think she's going to take it once it sinks in?
> 
> also, we totally got a date there. lukas really did that!! my boy!
> 
> i did take out a sex scene at the start there, but if you totally want me to add it back in then i can. i don't mind 
> 
> tomorrow: *elvis voice* a little more introspection, a little less action
> 
> edit: i added the deleted sex scene to the start of this chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

He can't shake what Rose said.  
She left him feeling more confused than ever because she was handling things way too well, but he felt like she was trying to steer him somewhere.  
He still talked to her, still hung out with her, but it was all so incredibly casual. She never brought up what she said that night and she gave him space whenever she thought he needed it.  
He didn't need it. He needed her to help him figure out what the hell she wanted him to get. 

He doesn't talk to Philip.  
Everything with Rose is still so fragile, and if she sees them together then it might set her off. She might tell everyone about them and he just can't have that. No one but him and Philip understand what they have together.  
He feels like this though, this confusion with Rose, it's probably the only thing Philip can't help out with. He doesn’t like that at all.

So he stops, and he tries to think, and he tries to look inside himself to see if he holds the key to figure out any of this mess.  
Rose seems to think he does, but he really has no idea what she’s seeing.

His mind keeps sticking on the fact that Rose seems to think he loves Philip. She seems to think that he must love Philip because of what they did together. That’s maybe what this is about right? That she wants him to realize that he’s secretly in love with him and can’t be without him or something.  
He can’t see it happening.  
It’s probably more likely that her loyalty to him is trying to make her find excuses for why he did it because she wants to feel less hurt.

 

He does feel lost without Philip though. It’s only been a few days since they last spoke but he’s so in his head trying to figure out how he feels about everything that he just doesn’t have the time to talk to him right now.  
He has unread messages from him on his phone and it just sucks because he almost feels like he needs him. He knows he’s denying him and it’s dumb as hell but he really thinks Philip will only be a distraction right now, from him working things out with Rose and sorting out his feelings.  
Rose is still no help, but he guesses if she told him what he thinks he should already know, then he probably wouldn’t believe her.

He keeps circling back to how everyone who sees them together assumes that they’re together. He remembers how he had that one argument with Rose and she called Philip his boyfriend. Even though she was mad and she probably didn’t mean it, she still said it, and some part of her must think it too, especially now. He wonders how many other kids at school presume him and Philip are together. The answer is probably more than it should be.

He looks at himself in the mirror, and he knows it’s ridiculous but he’s getting desperate now. He tries to see for himself, see if he looks like he is actually Philip’s boyfriend or something. He doesn’t think he looks any different than he normally does and he’s not sure if that’s comforting or not. 

He’s still not getting anywhere and it’s been a week.  
He misses Philip more than anything.  
He knows he’s being ridiculous by not talking to him but it’s not like he can exactly ask him for help with Rose on this. He thinks it’s kind of ironic how this whole mess started because he wanted help with Rose and now it’s ending because he doesn’t.  
It’s coming full circle, and all signs point to this being something to do with Philip.

So he thinks about Philip. A lot.

It’s not hard to do, because his mind never seems to be far from Philip. He misses how much fun they have together, and he misses the way he feels and the way he talks. He just misses _him_.

He's scared, terrified of doing one thing only to figure out he should've done another and he can't mess up anything he has with Philip because he can't lose him. He couldn't imagine his life without him anymore and he doesn't want to give him any reason to go.

He tries to think about who he can't live without, but he can't imagine not having either of them. Rose has always been there and Philip feels like he always should've been there. He's picturing memories he has with both of them and tries to take each of them out and it just hurts his head. They belong in those memories. He doesn't want to give them up just as much as he doesn't want to give either Rose or Philip up.

But then, then he thinks about who his mind always goes to when he's alone. Who he would rather spend time with.  
It’s Philip. 

He knows he's more sexually compatible with Philip, that's not even a question he needs to consider. It’s strange that he never thought why he was more compatible with him though. When he did give it thought, before all this, he thought it was just because Philip was good at it. He thought it was just something Philip was made for, that it was naturally amazing from the get go because that's just how it was. 

He knows now that's kind of ridiculous.  
If him and Philip didn't have chemistry, then it wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is. They could have chemistry because they're friends. I mean they basically had a friends with benefits thing going right? Some weird fucked up thing that they did together because they were friends and they trusted each other.  
He can't think of any people he knows who’d get on their girlfriend with their male best friend if they were just friends though. 

He tries to go back to the beginning, back when him and Philip first met, and it feels like so long ago now.  
He knows he was drawn to Philip, felt like he needed to defend him and protect him. That should've set off alarm bells right there, because he's not really the kind of guy to do that kind of thing out of the kindness of his heart. He’s not overly an asshole, doesn't try to be, but he certainly doesn't try to be overly nice either.  
There had to have been something about Philip that was different and made him change himself, even from that first moment. 

It hits him, that Philip has changed him, changed who he is. He wasn't kidding before when he thought that he gives all of his good parts to Philip and the scraps of himself to Rose. Philip had carved out parts of him, had made him someone different, someone who went on dates and held hands and had bike lessons with. He never did that stuff with Rose but he did with Philip, and he did it voluntarily. 

There’s more alarm bells.  
How out of it must he have been to justify all that stuff as something friendly?

He's met Philip’s foster parents as his boyfriend.  
He's talked about himself like he's Philip’s boyfriend when they've talked about Anne.  
He's taken Philip to meet his own mom and he's never done that with anyone. 

Every adult who’s seen him and Philip together thinks that they're a couple. 

Holy shit.  
They've been a couple for months. 

He feels stupid, so utterly stupid. He laughed it all off as a joke when it happened, something friendly he was doing for his best friend so he could get other people to back off, but he's still been doing it, right? If you do something gay jokingly, then you're still doing something gay. He even enjoyed it, he was an active and willing participant in it and he never had to do any of that stuff. 

He wonders if Philip deceived him and made him do this. The thought only crosses his mind for a second but he hates himself a little for it because he knows Philip would never do something like that to him. No, he did this, and no one else was responsible for what he did.  
He chose to act like Philip’s boyfriend and he may not have chosen to enjoy it, but that didn't stop him from doing so. He must have feelings for Philip. It’s the only thing that makes sense because he’s spent months with him behind Rose’s back, and he should know that he’s not the kind of guy to do something that horrible for no reason. That’s okay though. It makes sense for him to have feelings for Philip, it really does, and it’s silly that he didn’t realize it sooner. It doesn’t have to mean anything, not really, not if he doesn’t want it to. With how close they are and everything they’ve been through together, with Philip being so many of his firsts, it was almost bound to happen.

So, he has feelings for Philip.

But he’s straight.  
Right?

He can't reconcile his feelings for Philip and his sexuality. How can he be straight but having feelings for a boy? It shouldn't be possible but he's here doing just that.  
He thinks.  
Maybe he isn't. 

He’s done some pretty gay things for someone straight but that doesn't have to stop him being straight.  
The way his mind drifts to Philip and his smile and his eyes and his mouth and every part of him doesn't have to stop him being straight. 

He thinks about Philip, thinks about everything they’ve gone through together and everything they’ve done together. He remembers the way he’s held Philip’s hand for no reason. He remembers the way he’s kissed Philip, multiple times, for no reason. He remembers the way he wanted to have sex with Philip, multiple times, for no reason. He remembers the way he used the flimsiest of excuses to justify what he was doing, and he remembers the way he blew off his girlfriend multiple times to be with Philip instead.

His thoughts go to Rose, and he remembers how he was so reluctant to be alone with her because he didn’t want to be with her physically. He never told her he loved her, he could never find himself attracted to her, and he could never feel the intensity and intimacy he could with Philip.

He would rather spend time with Philip. He would rather hold hands with Philip. He would rather kiss Philip. He would rather have sex with Philip. He would rather do all that and more with Philip than any girl in the world.

His eyes widen. 

He’s not straight.  
He’s not straight in the slightest.  
He’s gay.  
He’s so gay. 

He's fucked. 

But he's not just gay, he's gay and into Philip. God, he's so into Philip. 

He can't be gay though. He's not allowed to be gay. There's people who are gay, people like Philip, who can be with very little repercussions. He’s not someone like Philip. He’s never been taught that it’s okay to be gay. He was always expected to be straight and that’s always how his dad spoke to him. Being gay has never been an option for him and he’s pretty sure it’s not an option for him now. He can’t shut off who he is though, especially when he has someone like Philip in his life. That’s the only hang up he has though. It’s so easy for him to have feelings for Philip because he probably always has, and that’s okay, it’s fine with him. He knows it won’t be fine with other people though.  
He’s got to decide if being hated by a few people is worth the love of one person.

It’s not even a decision. He knows he’d change the world and everything in it for that boy. What’s the opinions of a few people if he gets Philip in the end?

________________________________________

He goes to see his mom, because if he’s really going to do this, if he’s going to accept that he’s gay and that he wants Philip, then he at least wants the love of one parent.

 

“Mom. I think I need some help.”  
He pauses, because even if she isn't here he sometimes likes to pretend that she is. He gives her the time to reply and bundle him into her arms even though he's a foot taller than her. He knows she would've done that if she was here.

“I think I might like a boy. Is that okay?”

He’s quiet but he knows she can hear him where she is. He says it, hesitant but sure, and… nothing happens. It doesn't rain and there's no loud noises and nothing bad happens.

“It’s Philip, mom. I think I've liked him for months.”

If he listens close enough he can almost hear her tell him that she knows. That she knew as soon as he first told her about Philip. She knew when the two of them visited and she knew when he brought flowers for her the next time because Philip had suggested it. 

“What if I’m just confused?”

He doesn’t think he is, he thinks it makes perfect sense for him to be in love with Philip, but that still doesn’t stop him being scared of taking a risk.  
His mom would tell him that only he can know how he feels. He hopes she'd support him no matter what but she's not here so he can never know. He doesn't know how he feels though, that's the problem and he wishes someone would just tell him so he didn't have to wonder anymore.

He knows he’s not confused though; knows he’s basically settled this with himself. He just needed confirmation from one of the people he loves the most. She wouldn’t abandon him. Even if she wasn’t physically here, even if she hadn’t been in years, he knew she was always with him.

But the world hadn’t exploded.  
The world hadn’t given him any signs yet that this is wrong.  
Maybe, just maybe, the world is conspiring to get him and Philip together.

He’s gay.  
He _loves_ Philip.  
He wants to be with him more than anything.

He smiles to himself, because finally, he knows.  
Rose was right and he always knew he should give her more credit because she truly does know him. He’s taken her for granted and it’s not fair at all. 

He knows he has to tell Philip, knows it’s only right too, but he feels like he owes it to Rose to tell her first because she was the one to give him a little nudge in the right direction. He also totally needs advice, and it’s kind of funny that he’s going to end up going to Rose for advice on Philip. 

He needs to buy her a trip to a spa or something because she truly is one in a million.

________________________________________

It's raining the hardest it has in months and it's almost coincidental that the clouds decide to open on the same day that his mind does.

He raps on Rose's front door, frantic and cold and shivering slightly. The rain has soaked right through his jacket and his hair is sticking to him, damp and heavy, and he just feels so cold.  
It’s in his bones and it won’t ever get out.  
He figures it’s just like Philip.

Rose opens the door, finally, and she looks at a loss for what to do with him.

"I'm gay." He says, and it’s almost too simple.

"And I'm in love with Philip."

Her face melts and she pulls him into one of the tightest hugs he's ever had. He can feel his hair dripping onto her, can feel how warm she is pressed up against him, and it makes him feel the most he’s felt for her in months.

“Come in. Jesus, Lukas, you’re gonna get sick if you’re not careful.”

She keeps her arm around him and leads him in and he’s almost reminded of his mom. He likes her like this, soft and friendly, and he doesn’t get how it took him so long to realize that he only ever liked her as a friend.

She leads him upstairs to her room and it’s so different to every other time he’s been here in the past year. It’s probably been longer than that, and it’s such a disservice to her that he can’t even remember how long they were together.  
She definitely deserves better than him.

She starts stripping him out of his clothes and he’s confused because this usually means he’s going to have sex. He literally just told her he’s gay and he doesn’t want her like that and he just doesn’t get why she’s getting him naked.

“Rose, what- what are you doing?”

“Trying to make sure you don’t get hypothermia.”

“So you don’t want to get back together?” He asks, and she looks at him like he’s just said the dumbest thing ever.

“No, Lukas. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be with a gay guy who regularly cheats on me. But I am sure I don’t want him to get sick because he’s wearing wet clothes.” She says, and it’s harsh to hear it spelled out like that. He can hear the sarcasm too, and yeah, he totally deserves it.

“Good. You deserve better.”

“I know.” She says. He’s glad to hear he hasn’t ruined her completely.

She finishes stripping him, until he’s in just his boxers, and it’s almost mechanical how she does it. It couldn’t be more of a contrast to a few weeks ago when she was doing the exact same thing for completely different reasons. He thinks he prefers it this way, and he hopes she does too.

“I think I have some of your old clothes here, if you want me to find them for you.”

“No. I just want to lie down.” And he’s absolutely exhausted, 

She leads him over to the bed, and even though his heavy, rain-soaked clothes are off him, it’s left him feeling weighed down. Every part of him feels like it’s expanded, like he’s taken in the water himself, and his brain feels too big for his skull and it just hurts.  
He needs to stop thinking, but he knows that’s not going to happen.

Rose takes off her clothes too, and he figures he probably got them wet when she hugged him. She lays him down and gets into the bed next to him.

He’s not sure what he’s meant to say right now. He’s told her the big thing, and now his mind is just blank and this bed is so soft and he can’t really think.

He tries to piece everything back together. Remember every reason he had for coming over here.

He needs to tell her first.  
He needs to stop taking her for granted.  
He needs advice from her.

He thinks that’s everything, and he tries to repeat it like a mantra in his head.  
Apologize. Advice.  
Apologize. Advice.

"I'm so sorry Rose. I'm so sorry for what I did to you."

And he’s apologized now but it doesn’t feel like nearly enough. He’s selfish, but he guesses he’ll have to keep doing it until he feels better about everything he’s done. He hopes she can forgive him for all of the pain he’s caused her one day.

"It hurt, you bastard. I'm not gonna lie and try and make you feel better. You fucked me over and it hurt but I get it. It doesn’t excuse what you did though. Don’t think I’m letting you off the hook." And he’s glad she isn’t, because he knows he deserves much worse than what she’s giving him right now.

“I’m sorry.” He says again.

“I know.” She sighs as she says it, and it sounds sadly acceptant more than anything.

"I love him." he says again, and the gravity of those words hit him. He's in love with a boy. He wants to be with a boy.

"What are you going to do about it?"

She's lying behind him, arm slung over his waist, cuddled close. She's so warm and soft and beautiful, pressed up against him in her underwear and he can feel the fullness of her breasts and he just feels... nothing. If this was a couple of months ago, hell even a couple of weeks ago, this should have been enough to get him hard. This should have been what he wanted but instead he just feels safe, feels only friendship for her and he wonders when things changed. Maybe they were always that way and he was just too blind to notice. His dick and Philip went hand in hand. If he really was straight, then there's no way he would’ve done any of the things he had done. There would have been no way he’d been able to justify doing things with a guy and honestly it’s kind of wild and ridiculous that he’d been fooling himself for months.

“I don't know what I’m meant to do. I’m not good at this.”

“No, you're not.” The bitterness in her voice doesn't go unnoticed by him. She’s still slowly stroking his stomach though so she can't be too upset by now. Maybe she knows it wasn't her fault. She deserves better than him and she always has.

“Do you know why we were together?” he asks. He can't even remember them getting together anymore, just knows that one day they started kissing and they didn't stop until he found Philip.  
Her hand stops stroking his stomach and he thinks he's made a mistake by asking her. He’s working with half a page of story here though and he just can't remember anything anymore.

“I loved you, that's why I wanted to be with you. You were never entirely there though. I think you just wanted to make me happy and you thought that would. It’s kind of romantic in a way.”  
It’s not romantic at all, it’s the complete opposite because if he was just doing something because it's what she wanted then it's completely false. It was unfair on her for him to pretend he loved her back. He kisses her but he feels nothing and it's freeing. He doesn't like girls, he never has.

“I'm sorry I can't love you how you want.”

“I don't want that anymore. You'll never look at me the way you look at Philip.”

“I still love you though. I love you how I know I can.”

“As a friend. I’m happy with that, I promise. I wouldn't want to come between you and your happiness.” She says happiness but they both know she means Philip. They're one and the same these days.

“What if he doesn’t want me?” That’s the worst part of all of it. He genuinely doesn’t know if Philip does want him. He always explained it away as him being a good friend and it just being practice and he could have actually meant that.

“No one could look at you the way he does and not want to be with you. Trust me.” She says, and she sounds so certain that he half believes her.

“He just looks at me like he looks at everyone else.”

“He doesn’t. Do you remember the day after you told me about you and him? In the hallway? He was looking at me like he wanted to be me. When he was the one who had parts of you I never could.” she says, and it sounds like another reminder of how he broke her heart and it settles heavy and cold inside him. He’ll spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to her if he can because she didn’t deserve that. She loved him and he betrayed her in every way. He doesn’t like the person he became

“You knew I loved him then.” It’s not a question because he already knows the answer. She probably knew he loved someone else before he even told her about him and Philip.

“And you were terrified of it. So terrified you’d blinded yourself to it. Promise me you won’t stop yourself going after something you want just because you’re scared.”

He sticks his pinky out and she laughs, linking hers with his. He squeezes quickly and then let’s go. 

“How am I meant to tell him though?” He asks, and he doesn’t even try to hide how lost he is.

“Lukas, I’m fairly certain he loves you too. You don’t have to be fancy about it, you just have to tell him.”

And that does not help in the slightest. He’s pretty sure he’s never said those words to anyone before, not even Rose, not with that meaning. He supposes she’s right though. It doesn’t matter how he says it if Philip feels the same, as long as he actually says it. None of them have communicated with words enough and he’s going to have to change that from tonight if he wants to stand any chance of keeping Philip or Rose.

“Did that help at all?” She asks. And no, not really, but she’s been more than good to him so he can tell a little white lie on this occasion for her benefit. It actually is a lie for her benefit this time so he guesses he’s growing a little. He nods in response.

She kisses his shoulder, a silent ‘you’re welcome’ to match his silent thank you, and then snuggles further into him to try to get more comfortable. Her breathing evens out soon after and he tries to force himself to go to sleep too.

He ends up breaking his promise the very next day.  
He never was good at having feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy eyewitness day!
> 
> i'm not exactly the happiest with this chapter but  
> so, there was a ton of non-dialogue there and i'm sorry if that got a lil boring  
> and if anyone is confused by why rose and lukas were in their underwear together, then trust me when i say it was just platonic intimacy. it wasn't anything more. lukas is gay and rose knows this and neither of them want to get back together and it's totally not going to happen. they're over forever, i promise  
> but, he did it!! he admitted it to himself and another person!!
> 
> tomorrow: can't get you out of my head by kylie minogue happens, and untitled by d'angelo cos i love that song. also a ton of other silly love songs that are great fun


	9. Chapter 9

He knows he needs to tell Philip, he knows that, but he honestly has no idea how.

He feels like he’s beating a dead horse trying to figure it all out because it’s just the same ideas followed by the same insecurities over and over and suddenly it’s a week and he’s nowhere near closer to making a move. 

It’s just, how is he meant to say it?  
He was considering something elaborate, but that doesn’t seem like Philip’s style.  
Then he was considering something private, but he doesn’t want to send the wrong message, like he’s ashamed of who he is and what he feels.  
He thought once he knew how he felt, the confusion would be over, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s still so new to him. Even though it’s been there for months, simmering under the surface, he didn’t know. He’s accepted it, he’s truly okay with it, but it’s just hard to imagine himself jumping from something he constantly explained away, to something that’s real and meaningful and serious.

He knows it’s unlikely for it to go smoothly, that he can just confess his love and Philip will say yes and it’ll all be okay. That’s not realistic. That’s nothing like anything they’ve ever been through together before, but that thought isn’t comforting right now.

He’s so worked up over it that he’s even started practicing how he’s going to say it in the mirror so he can get it down pat. 

“I love you.”

“Philip, I want to be with you, properly.”

“You’re the one for me.”

“I’m not with Rose and I want you.”

“Do you have feelings for me?”

None of them seem authentic and it just leaves him feeling frustrated.  
Thinking about Philip is interspersed with actually having contact with Philip, as in, he gets texts that he reads but doesn’t reply to.  
He feels stuck, feels like he has no right to talk to him and it’s an utterly ridiculous concept but he can’t seem to get his hands to work. His hands and his mind are non-functional right now, and it’d probably be beneficial if he had a sign on him that says ‘do not use’.

He knows he’s being stupid, knows it would be easy beyond belief to just text Philip saying ‘hey’ or ‘I miss you’ like he’s done a million times before but he’s just not co-operating with himself and it’s driving him mad.  
He’s letting his fear stand in his way.  
He’s disappointing his dad by doing this. He wasn’t raised to let fear control him. He always had to be strong and he always had to do things he didn’t want to do if he needed to do them. He needs Philip, he knows he does, and he doesn’t care if that sounds dramatic because it’s the absolute truth. But he just can’t bring himself to do it. He’s standing there with his phone in his hand like an idiot, looking at the screen and doing nothing. Unlocking it as soon as it locked itself but not actually texting or communicating with Philip in any way.  
Intentions are bullshit if you don’t follow through on them.  
He’s disappointed in himself, and he knew his dad would be too if he knew about the situation.  
He was disappointing his dad by not disappointing his dad, and the concept made his head hurt.

Maybe Philip was better off without him.

One week without Philip slowly turns into two.  
Philip has stopped texting him altogether now.  
He still doesn’t know how he’s meant to make his move, but with every second that passes he knows his chances are slimming and it just makes everything that much worse.  
It shouldn’t be this hard to say three little words. It shouldn’t even be this hard just to say hey, but it is and he has no idea what he’s doing.

Rose is with him in the hallway, and it must be obvious how much he’s pining for Philip, how he’s making no secret of how he’s thinking of him, because she nudges his elbow.  
Philip is there, walking down the hallway towards them and he’s so blissfully unaware of how his eyes lock onto him. He’s glad though, that he’ll be spared the embarrassment of being caught.  
Philip still looks gorgeous even in this awful place.

She turns towards Philip, and no, why is she getting involved in this?

“Hey, Philip. Wanna hang?” She asks.

He looks at her, and then his gaze drifts over to him and it’s the first time they’ve looked at each other in two weeks.  
His heart feels like it’s stopped beating, because damn he’s missed that face. He’s missed everything about him. Maybe if he looks at him just right, he won’t need to use his words. Philip will just know and then it’s on him to decide what happens. He hopes and prays that he knows, and that he can find it in himself to want him back.

Philip takes his eyes off him and looks back at Rose.

“Nah. I’m good thanks.” He says, before turning back around and putting his earphones in.

Oh.  
He watches him walk away.

Oh.  
He didn’t realise he’d messed up that badly.

“You need to fix this, Lukas.” She says, her finger pressing into his chest.

She looks almost as upset as he feels and if this were a different situation then he’d be thanking her for it, but right now he’s despairing, because what the actual fuck was that rejection?

He knows he needs to fix things though, he knows that. She doesn’t need to remind him. Jesus, how did he let it get so bad that Philip is basically ignoring him?  
He knows how though. He knows he left his texts unanswered. He knows he never called him at night like he used to.

It sucks because he can’t even sleep properly now. He’s so used to talking to Philip, enjoys it so much, that now it’s a part of his life. It’s infected his routine and his way of being so much that he’s fitful, tosses and turns because he isn’t getting what he needs. It’s his own fault though. He was the one who couldn’t balance both Philip and Rose, and by paying attention to one, he’s completely neglected the other. It’s been like that since the get go. 

He does need to fix this though. He doesn’t want to go another day without Philip. He doesn’t want to have to just picture his smile and not see it for himself. He doesn’t want to go without giving Philip everything he can. It’s not enough, nowhere near what he deserves, but he wants to try.

He just wants Philip, probably needs him, in fact.  
He’s gonna make things right.

 

* * *

He knocks on Philip’s front door, and this is it. He has to do it, and it doesn’t matter if he’s scared because he’s got no other option. Losing Philip isn’t even a possibility he wants to consider and he feels like he’s already slipping out of his grasp and he’s just got to fix this.

Gabe answers the door, and he looks surprised to see him. He has no idea what Philip has said, has no idea if he’s said anything at all, but that look clearly means that Gabe wasn’t expecting him here.  
He’s well and truly fucked up.  
Why did he think it was a good idea to not talk to Philip for two weeks again? Why did he prioritise his own insecurities over being there for his best friend?

“Lukas, uh, come in.” He says.

He steps to the side so Lukas can go through the door. Despite the fact that he’s been here what feels like a million times, he almost feels like a stranger here. He’s out of place and he never thought he’d feel like this in this house. His secrets are still held within it’s walls though, and at least Gabe is being loyal to the memories he’s made with Philip.

“He’s upstairs, if you want to go on up.”

“Thank you.” He says, and it’s simple but he’s not sure he has the words or the time to thank him for the multitude of things he’s done. Thank you for not kicking me out. Thank you for taking Philip in. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for letting me love him.

Gabe smiles at him, and it feels like an olive branch.  
He’s going to fix this.  
He’s going to make up for the mistakes he’s made and make sure he finally treats everyone in this house with the respect they deserve.

He walks up the stairs, going slower and quieter than normal. He’s trying to steel himself, trying to make his words invincible and his heart penetrable. He needs to finally give Philip the whole truth. He needs to give Philip all the parts of him that he’s been searching for. 

He stops outside the door. He's never hesitated before, always just used to walk in like he owned the place but things are different now. It's terrifying and he's just planted in front of this door because he knows as soon as he steps in his life is going to change.  
He loves a boy.  
He loves this boy. The one behind this door and he shouldn't waste a second more not telling him that.  
He takes a breath, grounding himself, preparing himself, and puts his hand on the handle.

He opens the door and Philip is just standing there next to his bed, hair tousled and soft, and Lukas is overwhelmed by how beautiful this boy is. He's stunning and perfect and everything. It's as if he's just gotten glasses and this is the first time he's worn them and everything is solid and so easy to see.

This boy is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and he's never loved anyone more in his life.

"Does Rose need more help in getting off or something?"

Philip isn't even looking at him but somehow he knows who it is. It hurts him a little that Philip thinks he came over here to fuck but honestly when has he ever come over for any other reason. God he's been such an idiot to mistreat him as much he has. He's spent months fucking him over and taking him for granted and he shouldn't be standing in this room right now. He has no right or claim to Philip, shouldn't be allowed around him, but he hasn't told him to leave so he isn't going to. He needs to prove to Philip that the past six months have meant something to him, that he wasn't just fucking around. There's no point in wasting any more time

"This isn't about Rose." he says and he advances towards Philip. Philip looks at him and it's as though neither of them have ever looked at the other before. He takes a hold of his jaw, presses his lips to Philip's, and honestly it's game over.

He kisses him like he's come home from war. Like he hasn't kissed Philip in years and he's trying to claim back lost time and he doesn't want to breathe if it means he has to be without him. Philip kisses him back, no hesitation, and god, he's never felt like this before in his entire life.

He walks him backwards until he hits the wall, placing him against it as pain-free as possible because he doesn't want to cause any more damage to this boy. He's so damn lucky, so thankful Philip is letting him have this again even when he doesn't think he deserves it. He puts his hands on Philip's thighs and hauls him up. Philip's legs curl around him, pull him close, and he sinks in between his legs like he belongs there. They're pressed together crotch to chest and it's so exhilarating. He didn't realize how much he missed this, how much his body craved it.

He brings one hand from the curve of Philip’s thigh up to his face and holds him there. He pulls away but he tries to stay as close as possible because he’s only got something quick to say and he doesn’t want to waste any more time after he says it not kissing Philip. 

All he wants to do is love Philip with his words and his hands and his mouth.

"I love you. I'm so in love with you." he says in a hushed whisper, as though he doesn't want anyone but Philip hearing it. All the love he has is devoted to this one boy only and no one else should be allowed to hear it. Everything he is and will be is all for Philip.  
Philip makes a noise like he's dying and just kisses him. He kisses back with utter reverence. God he'd worship this boy every day, kiss him and do anything for him because he's that incredible and how did he not realize he's been in love with him for months now? Every second Philip spent taking him apart and building him anew and he never realized his heart was tailor-made for him alone. It astounds him but if everything they went through, all the bullshit, lead him right here with Philip in his arms then he wouldn't trade in a second of it for the world.

They kiss and kiss and kiss. Philip fists his hair and holds him close, like he's desperate and never wants to let him go and fuck, how he can relate to that. He can't stop touching him everywhere, hungry to feel him and commit every part of him to memory.

This, right here with Philip, is everything he's ever wanted from another person. It feels like he's just opened his favorite book to the most read page, where he knows every word and sentence and line. Like he's lived this a million times before and he's coming home. Like his entire life has just been leading up to this point. The way Philip is kissing him back makes him think he feels the same.

Maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of something real.

And that's when it all comes crashing down.

"Philip, I-"

Philip pulls away from him and looks towards the open door. He doesn't seem overly surprised at the interruption and he also doesn't look like he's been caught in a compromising situation. He’s just looking and he has no idea who it is or what they want but they should just go away right now. Philip is still looking at them. No one is saying anything and when it becomes clear that they won't leave he looks round to look too.

He's standing there topless, this random asshole he's never seen before in his life, just looking at Philip, and honestly who the fuck does this guy think he is?

"Lukas" the guy says, and he has no idea what his tone is but he doesn't like it one bit. Also how the hell does he know who he is?

"Don't." Philip says softly to the guy and it looks like they're having some sort of silent conversation that is going entirely over his head. He doesn't like that one bit either. This guy is looking at Philip like he knows him, knows him in a way he doesn't and he can't stand it.

"I think you should leave." Philip says, and yeah this asshole should leave. Just leave him and Philip so they can keep kissing and finally be together.

The guy doesn't move though. Nobody moves and he’s so so confused. He turns to look at Philip and Philip is already looking at him. It's indecipherable to him, like the way he looked at the other guy and he has no idea what's happening. They're still inches apart and Philip's legs are still wrapped around his hips and he burns inside with how much he wants him.

"You should leave, Lukas."

He goes cold.  
What?

"What?"

"Please just go." Philip isn't fooling around. He's never been sincerer in his life.

He scrambles to get Philip's legs off him, get his body away from him and Philip almost drops to the floor in his haste.  
It doesn't make any sense. This isn't how it was meant to go. He told Philip how he felt and Philip kissed him. They should still be kissing and just being together finally and this is the exact opposite of what should be happening. He knows he looks dumbfounded but he doesn't care, he just feels like he's just been blindsided because how can Philip want him to leave? It's so final and it feels like Philip has just broken up with him. It hurts. It hurts more than anything ever has before and this must be what Rose felt like on that night. This is what it must feel like to have his heart broken and it feels like the floor has been pulled out from underneath him. He’s just looking at Philip and hoping somehow this is all a joke but Philip won’t even look at him, won’t acknowledge him at all and it hurts. Tears are forming in his eyes because he knows Philip isn’t joking and he doesn’t understand.

“Don’t do this, Philip.” He’s pleading and he knows it but he’s not ashamed because he needs this boy and he will beg for him if he has to.

There’s a twitch in Philip’s jaw. His arms come to cross against his chest and he takes a long, deep, wet breath. It’s affecting him too and he just needs him to tell him that he doesn’t have to go, that he can stay and that they can work this all out. His jaw twitches again but he’s still not looking at him and it’s clear he’s not going to.  
The guy moves out of the doorway and even he knows Philip isn’t going to look at him.  
So this is it then.

He starts walking away but he keeps turning back and every time he is more and more disappointed that Philip isn’t looking at him. He stops, resting his hands on the door jamb and he looks back at Philip one last time. Back at the room and everything they shared inside it.

He goes through the door and he’s more alone than he’s ever been in his life.  
Once he thought him and Philip were two lost souls who could be alone together.  
Now he just knows he’s meant to be alone and lone. 

He knows he's crying, knows Helen sees him crying as he rushes past her and walks out the door but he can't find it in himself to care. He gets out the house as quick as he can and just runs. He has no idea where he's going, tears blinding his eyes so much he can't even see. As long as he's running away from Philip and where he let his heart get trampled on in front of an audience.

He loses track of time, has no idea where he's going or what he's doing. He just walks and cries and it's pathetic how he's like this over a boy. He feels like a stereotype and it makes him feel like he's in the wrong skin. When did this become his life?

It should've been simple.  
Boy and boy kiss.  
Boy and boy have feelings for each other.  
Boy and boy get together.  
There shouldn't be another boy in the equation and isn't it just his luck that as soon he simplifies the situation, Philip goes and complicates it.

He couldn’t blame Philip though. He’d missed his chance, plain as that, He’d spent too long being scared about what might not have been that he went and made it a reality and isn’t that ironic. He wished for something so much that he willed the opposite into existence.

It should’ve been simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, um, i did that
> 
> i'm not overly happy with this chapter either but it paves the way for later developments, and longer chapters  
> that's probably the biggest twist from the metaphorical rollercoaster i mentioned the other day  
> we've still got a few turns coming up though  
> you may very well hate me after chapter 11
> 
> fyi: someone asked me to put the deleted sex scene back at the start of chapter 7, so i did! you can go back and read it if you want to but obviously it's not going to affect the narrative or anything so you totally don't have to read it. 
> 
> if anyone has any more reasonable requests then let me know
> 
> tomorrow: a fistfight and a first kiss. also, secrets can come back to haunt you
> 
> p.s. would anyone be interested in me doing a playlist of songs i listened to/that inspired me whilst writing 2lads? let me know


	10. Chapter 10

He can’t stop thinking about Philip. His head’s been like this for months but now he _knows_ why he can’t stop thinking about Philip and it just makes everything worse.

Philip doesn't want him though. Philip full out rejected him and what he had to offer him and now every time he thinks of him it’s the most bittersweet thing in the world. He should have cherished what he had whilst he had it, but he didn’t know, had no idea how truly important it all was and he just wasted it all. 

He’s got to move on, he knows he does, but it’s just so hard and the pain so raw and fresh that he doesn’t think he can right now.  
He’s just going to concentrate on other things and fill his mind with anything and everything that isn’t related to Philip and hopes it’ll help him for a while.

He’s got Rose, and he hopes she can try and make it all better with him.  
________________________________________

He’s walking down the halfway with Rose, her arm wrapped around his. She's still at his side, just like always, and he's glad he didn't end up losing her too.  
“I've never had a gay best friend before.” She whispers to him.  
“Neither have I.” He whispers back, and she's just laughing at him.  
It's nice to see her like this. He knows she downplays how much he hurt her, how he relied on her too much when Philip hurt him, but they came out stronger than ever. He's half hoping she's already started dating, or is at least interested in other guys, and doesn't know how to break it to him. If he can't be happy right now, then at least she can be. At least something good can come out of all of this.  
Rose deserves everything he couldn’t give her, all the love and respect in the world, and he really hopes she finds someone to give it to her, even if that person is just herself. 

A hand drops to his shoulder. He tenses slightly because he knows it's not Philip, can feel it instinctively, and it definitely can't be Rose. No one else ever touches him so he really has no idea who it is. He really hopes it's not that guy from Philip’s bedroom. He doesn’t want to have to deal with that so soon.

“You're gay, Waldenbeck?” It’s Jared, and of course this asshole has some kind of radar for all the gay kids in school. He’s either just a dick or even more closeted and in denial than he was. He might make a bet with Rose after about it.

“Yeah. I’m gay.” He says, and the ‘and what about it?’ is evident in his voice. It shouldn’t be a big deal if he’s gay or straight or whatever. 

“Does that mean you've been thinking about my dick?” 

He tries his hardest not to roll his eyes at that one.  
Yeah, he’s definitely leaning more towards closeted right now. He’s gonna bet $5 on it. 

“I don't have the imagination to think about something that doesn't exist.” And he says it with the nonchalance and lack of interest that he’d use if Rose was talking about nail polish or something.

“What did you just say to me?” And Jared is clearly angry at it, the red blooming on his face trying to cover the underlying embarrassment.

“I said,” He gets closer to him now and they're almost in each other’s faces. “I don't have the patience or skill or even the want to try and imagine your non-existent tiny pencil dick.”

People laugh around them. There’s a crowd gathered and he really shouldn’t be antagonizing anyone but honestly, what has he got left to lose right now.

He feels a fist collide with his nose, and fuck, that actually hurt a little bit.  
He stumbles back a little, because he actually wasn’t expecting that.  
Jared takes it as an opportunity to hit him again, and yeah, this really isn’t funny now.

“Get off him Jared.” Rose says, and she tries to pull his arms away from him.

“Shut up, you bitch. This has nothing to do with you,” He looks at her again and it’s appraising and disgusting. “Actually, you turned dear Lukas over here gay, didn’t you? So ugly and unwantable that you made him want to suck a dick instead.”

Rose is visibly upset, and he had absolutely no right to do that.  
Yeah, that’s definitely the final straw. He can attack him but there’s no way in hell he can attack Rose. 

He’s still paying way too much attention to Rose, and not enough attention to him, but he can use that against him. He tackles him to the floor, gets on top of him, and just starts punching every part of him he can reach.  
Fuck him.  
He just keeps hitting and hitting and hitting and he’s taking out his rage at ruining things with Philip, and how casual his homophobia was, and how he had the gall to come after Rose.

“Lukas, stop!” Rose shouts, and he does, because there’s teaching him a lesson, and then there’s taking things way too far. He almost overstepped there.

He gets off of him, but this guy isn’t going anywhere anyway.  
“You stay away from me, and the people I love.” He says towering over him. 

He leans back against the locker and he honestly feels exhausted. His head hurts, his fists hurt, and he just feels hollow everywhere.

“Are you okay?” He says in the general direction of Rose. He’s still leaning against the locker, eyes closed, because fuck, it hurts.  
He can hear someone softly crying and he guesses that must be Rose.  
He wishes he could do more for her.

“I’m okay.” She says, and she really doesn’t sound it, but he honestly doesn’t have the energy to check right now. 

He can still sense everyone around, but all he can hear are murmured whispers and he has no idea what’s happening around him.  
And then he can hear someone bounding down the hallway.

“What in the hell is going on here? Right, you two, principal’s office, now!” He doesn’t know who it is, but he figures she’s talking to him.

He opens his eyes, slowly, because pain is shooting all over his face as he does. He locks onto where he thinks the voice came from, and yeah, there’s definitely a teacher there who looks pissed and is looking directly at him.

Fuck.  
He didn’t know how much trouble he’d get into this but he was betting it wasn’t going to be a cakewalk. 

It takes Jared longer to come to and get himself up off the floor, and yeah, this definitely wasn’t going to go in his favor at all.  
He bets they both look like shit. There aren’t gonna be any excuses to get him out of this one.

He drags himself down the hallway and he’s half-aware of Jared following him.  
That doesn’t matter though. All he’s really focus on is getting this over with and just getting on with his life.  
Fuck, they were probably gonna ring his dad.  
Knowing him though, he’d probably be a little proud that a kid started on him and he still managed to win. 

The teacher is behind them, shepherding them to the right place, hand delivering them to their sentence. She knocks on the door and leans in.  
Jared is looking over at him, he can feel his eyes burning into him, but he’s trying his hardest to just ignore it. 

He thinks he must have done something to his ear because everything just seems quiet.  
Maybe it’s that everything actually is quiet. He can just hear the teacher tell the principal something is a low, quiet voice and he has no idea what she’s saying, no idea if it’s going to help him or bury him.  
He’s probably overthinking this and making it a billion times worse than what it’s going to be, but he never gets into fights. It’s not like him to talk to people he doesn’t like, never mind give them a reason to hit him.  
It’s just been a weird, bad week.

“Come in.” The principal says, and teacher who escorted them is just there watching them and making sure they actually do as they’re told.  
Once they’re inside, she closes the door behind them, and that’s that.

“Please, sit down.” And he can hear how fake his politeness is from here.

It’s not an invitation, it’s a command, and he’s not going to do anything else stupid today, so he complies.

“So, boys, tell me what 

“It was just a misunderstanding.” Jared says. 

The principal looks skeptical but he doesn’t say anything.  
His face clears though, as if maybe he’s remembering something, and he kinda wishes he knows what that teacher said to him before they came in.  
He can guess though, and it guesses it has something to do with why they were fighting in the first place. With how loud people spread gossip around here, it wouldn’t surprise him if she’d overheard something, or just straight up asked them what had happened.

And yeah, it was a misunderstanding, but it was Jared misunderstanding how much he wouldn't take his shit and who was going to end up on top after that fight. Lukas smiles smugly because this asshole just didn’t want to admit that he’d been beaten by a gay guy, as if somehow that made him less masculine or manly or something. How fragile he must be. 

“Is that right Lukas?”

And he can throw Jared under the bus here, and sure, it might feel good, but it’d put a target on his and Rose’s backs, maybe even Philip’s too. He can’t do that to them. 

“Yeah, just a misunderstanding.” He says, and he might not be happy saying it, but it’s the best option to. He meant it when he told Jared to stay away from the people he loved. He didn’t want someone like him anywhere near Rose, or Philip.

Jared looks over at him and he looks like he’s halfway towards a scared smile.  
He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to see him look intimidated or grateful or anything. He doesn’t want to look at him at all. He doesn’t even want to think about him because for one, he’s homophobic and he totally shouldn’t be giving people like that the time of day, but for two, he hurt Rose. He can’t be forgiven for that.

“Right, you two shake hands like gentlemen so you can put this whole thing behind you.”

It’s almost laughable that this guy can called Jared a gentleman. It’s more than laughable that this guy is so out of touch with what goes on in the hallways that he can write this off as a misunderstanding and not give them any punishment for it. Maybe he does know and he just doesn’t care.

Jared’s there, hand out and waiting, and he has to shake it because otherwise he’ll look like the asshole and get into trouble. 

“I don’t want to hear about this again.” The principal says, and of course he doesn’t, because he probably doesn’t want to acknowledge that there are gay kids in the school and his sorry ass is doing nothing to protect them.  
Maybe he could speak to the gym teacher about doing some self-defense classes or something.

Him and Jared shakes hands, and it’s quick and half-hearted, but the principal seems to accept it. 

He’s not sure whether to double down on that bet with Rose or whether this guy really was just an asshole who wasn’t raised right.  
He thinks it’s funny how fear can control a person  
He thinks about Philip again, and he can feel himself dimming.  
He doesn’t feel as triumphant any more.

The principal looks down at some papers on his desk, and he guesses that means they’re dismissed.  
He really shouldn’t complain about not being punished, but it doesn’t sit right with him.

He hauls himself out of the chair and makes a quick exit. He doesn’t need to be around these two any longer than necessary, and it certainly isn’t necessary right now.

Jared follows suit and stays close to him, closing the door behind the both of them once they’re out of it. 

“I owe you.” Jared says, and he goes to clap him on the top of his arm.  
He shirks away from him.

“Forget about it.” He says, and turns his back to him. He doesn’t want to be owed anything by a guy like that, doesn’t want to have to be in contact with him for any reason.

He can hear Jared walk away, and he’s glad he’s not going to press the issue. He feels like a guy like that wouldn’t anyway, but at least he’s not exceeding expectations or something for the first time in his life.

“What you did today was incredible.” There's a kid waiting for him outside the principal’s office. Well, kid probably isn't accurate. He looks old enough to be his age, or somewhere close to it, but he's got a sheepish innocence and kindness about him that makes him seem younger than he actually is. 

“I didn't do anything. I just defended myself.”

“No you didn't. You defended all the gay kids at school. You showed them they didn't have to be bullied, that they could stop it. You're inspiring.” And this kid must clearly be on something because that’s definitely not what happened.

“Does that kind of thing happen a lot?” He asks, because he’s genuinely curious. He’s also a bit of a hypocrite for saying the principal knows nothing about what goes on outside when he doesn’t have a clue either. It’s funny how the bubble bursts once you start figuring yourself out. 

“Some of us aren't the best at taking care of it when guys like Jared decide we’re below them.”

So that's what this kid needed. A protector. 

“What's your name?”

“Matt.”

“I’m Lukas.”

“I know who you are.” He says, and the way he says it, with an easy breezy smile, makes him think that oh. this kid might have a little bit of a crush on him.  
He’s not sure what he’s meant to say to that, because honestly it’s kind of surprising that someone has noticed him.

He knows it’s going to happen more now. Knows that he probably came out in the least quiet way possible, and that the news of a gay kid, _him_ , hitting Jared will have spread around the school.  
He knows if there are more kids like Matt out there, if they’ve heard about what he did too, that he might be inundated with thanks. God if they make him into some kind of gay hero at school then he’s gonna get a headache.  
He checks himself, because whoa, that’s a super conceited thing to say. He’s not anything, he’s just Lukas, and he just loves a boy, and he just wants to make sure no one walks all over him.

“Would you uh, wanna hang out sometime or something?” Matt asks him.

“What, like a date?”

“I mean, yeah, if you want, like a date or something.” Matt’s looking at the ground, and he gets the distinct feeling that he has very little, if any, experience in asking someone out. It’s kinda cute in a way.

But no, his immediate reaction is to say no, because he’s not Philip, and what’s the point in even trying to date if Philip isn’t the one he’s doing it with.  
But Philip doesn’t want him, Philip said no to him, and he’s got to accept that sooner rather than later. Pining over him isn’t going to do him any favors, it’s only gonna make him feel worse. He has to move on, he knows he does, and he knows it’s gonna be hard, but it’s not like he can convince Philip to be with him. Philip, who’s so headstrong and beautiful. God, he misses him. Philip isn’t the kind of guy to do anything he doesn’t want to do though, and if he doesn’t want him, if he’s absolute on that, then he’s never going to have a chance. He ruined it all and he’s just going to have to live with that.

He’s sure he can do worse than this guy though. He seems sweet, like he cares about people’s feelings and things, and he figures it’s not the worst thing in the world.

He’s still gonna miss Philip though, want him terribly, but he’ll just have to try and create a corner in his mind where he can seal those thoughts. Him and Philip are done, done before they ever started, and that’s that.

He’s been in his head so long that he’s left this guy hanging on, and he can see his smile dim, see how his shoulders sag, because he probably thinks he’s trying  
Yeah, this kid is too sweet.

“Yeah. Okay.”

He looks up and his entire face is saccharine. 

“Okay. Okay great. Can I have your number?”

Matt gets his phone out and the kid is so prepared and eager that he can’t exactly say no. He takes the phone out of his hands and they brush slightly. It feels like nothing to him, but he thinks he can see the kid blushing.  
He puts his name and number in, and then hands the phone back over. 

“Okay, I’ll um,” he points at his phone and he’s walking backwards, not looking where he’s going and almost stumbling in his excitement. “I’ll- I’ll text you or something.”

He smiles back at him in response, but it’s not a fully genuine one. This kid doesn’t know that yet, has no idea what his expressions mean, but that’s okay. It’d only hurt him if he did know.  
He’s gotta admit though, it was pretty nice that he was stumbling over himself and his words. He’s charming in the way that a puppy is, and it’s cute in that way.

He’s left in the hallway, and he really needs to get to class, but his brain is still trying to process everything that just happened.  
He sighs.  
He’s got a black eye and a date.  
He isn’t sure which one is worse.  
________________________________________

He texts him a few times, and before he knows it, they’ve scheduled a date for the next day.  
He forgot his name almost as soon as he met him, and that’s already a strike against him, so he just saves him as ‘puppy’ in his phone and hope it doesn’t come up. 

He has no idea where they’re going, all he knows is he’s getting picked up and he’ll be home before 10pm.  
He’s actually a little bit nervous, because he’s half unsure on what he’s doing, why he’s even going out on a date with a guy, but he’s also half unsure on what he’s meant to do when he goes out on this date.

He calls Rose, because she’s the only one he has left.  
She might know more about this than he does.

“What do you wear on a date?” He asks.

“I’m coming right over.” She says, and the line goes dead.

He didn’t realize this would be such a big deal.

 

It doesn’t take her long to get to his, and she really wasn’t kidding when she said she’d be right over.

“Lukas Waldenbeck, put all your clothes on the bed right now.” She shouts up the stairs. He rolls his eyes at her. She’s been here enough that she never knocks, just walks right in like she owns the place.  
He’s glad she’s here.  
It still doesn’t stop her from being annoying and commanding though.

“Did you not hear me?” She asks when she comes into the room and sees him just standing there and no clothes in sight.

“I heard you,” He says. “I just didn’t want to do it.”

She flips her finger at him, and then proceeds to take all his clothes out of his drawers herself. She best help clean that up afterwards.

“God, you’re an absolute disaster. Do you own a shirt that isn’t plaid?”

She’s holding up all of his clothes, inspecting them, and about 95% of them end up on the floor because they aren’t good enough for her.

He just shrugs at her. He doesn’t really care about clothes, but he doesn’t want to look like a mess.

“And you’re doing all this for Philip? He’s gonna be one lucky guy once I’m through with you.”

His face falls. He doesn’t say anything, because fuck, this should be with Philip, and he needs to cancel right now. Why did he say yes? Why did he think it was an okay idea to just casually date a boy he’s just met?

She notices him panicking, she has to.

“Oh shit. I just thought- if it was anyone then it’d be Philip.” She drops the clothes in her hands.

“It’s not. It’s someone else.” He grits out. Honestly what is he doing trying to do this without him?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry I just thought.”

“I miss him.” He says, and he can feel the tears threaten to fall. It’s not fair, not fair at all. 

“I know babe. I know.” She says, and she’s hugging him now, and it’s just making him want to cry more. 

“Do you want to do this? We can cancel and just watch a movie and eat ice cream and cry about boys if you want.” He laughs at that, but it doesn’t sound overly happy. He doesn’t know if he wants to do this though. He wants Philip, and he feels like a broken record about it, but he can’t help himself.  
He shrugs, and it’s not a yes, but it’s not a no.

“Okay. Do you want to try and do this?”

He thinks about it, truly does now rather than the split second he gave to it when he said yes. This guy is sweet, seems interested, doesn’t want to hide whatever they might have or have together in the future.  
He figures he should at least give it a try, see if it can help him forget about things.

“I think so.”

“Okay. So what we’re going to do is pick you out an outfit, but not the hottest one you have, and then you’re going to go on this date and have fun, and I’ll wait here for you when you get back. We can have ice cream and talk about boys then.” 

“Okay, mom.” He says jokingly, and she removes one of her arms and lightly punches his side.

She takes her other arm away, and brings both hands to rest on the side of his face, thumbs under his eyes. She sweeps them under the bottom of his eyes and tries to catch any stray tears he may have. Once she’s done, she looks at him and smiles, before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

She pulls away and looks at the clothes on the bed. There are many, and he figures sooner or later she’s going to mention a shopping trip to him. He might just give her money and tell her to go nuts.

She picks a blue shirt out and hands it to him.

“Here. It’ll bring out your eyes but it’s not the best thing you own. You can keep those jeans on.”

He wants to be sarcastic with her, but he knows she’s really helping him when she doesn’t have to. So he just takes the top from her, holds it between his legs, and strips off what he’s already wearing.

“How much do I button it?” He asks.

She rolls her eyes like he’s clueless.  
She’s pretty right about that.

“Enough to not be sleazy but not too much so you don’t look like you’re a kid on their first day of school.”

Okay, he’s not entirely sure what that means. He’s sure she’ll tell him if he goes overboard though. 

He leaves the top two buttons undone and just looks at her, arms out and presenting himself.  
She looks at him, considering, and she comes closer. She pushes down his collar and makes sure it’s straight. She looks at him again and unbuttons the next button down. She steps away, shakes her head, and then rebuttons the button she just undid.

“No, you got it right. And you actually look kinda hot.”

Actually. Pfft. That’s not very nice of her. 

“So I’m ready?” He asks.

Her face falls slightly at that, because she knows he’s on about more than his outfit. She must do.  
He can hear the words she’s leaving unspoken. He knows that only he can decide if he’s good with this or not, but it’d be nice if he could have some reassurance. 

“How about a little bit of eyeliner? Maybe that’ll finish it off for you.”

Yeah, that’s a weird idea, but tonight’s a weird night, so why not really.

“Do you have some on you?”

She dives into her pocket and produces a stick. He really should not be surprised in the slightest at that.

“How do you want me?” He asks.

Her eyes grow, surprise and excitement clear on her face. He’s half expecting her to start clapping or jumping up and down but instead she just bends over close to him. Her face is close to his and she’s just leaning in with this stick of eyeliner. It’s actually a little menacing.

“Close your eyes.” She says, and he does.  
It feels weird, a strange pressure that’s not too hard but definitely there. Girls do this every day? He’s not sure he entirely understands them because this just feels weird.  
He can feel her draw a few strokes, before her finger comes up to rub at his eyes lightly. He guesses she must be smudging it or something. He really does not get girls.  
She switches to the other eye.

“Yeah, you definitely look hot.” She says, and he strangely feels a little bashful.

She stands up and dips back into her pocket. She puts the eyeliner back, but produces a small mirror to give to him. He takes it back. Girls are fascinating with everything they manage to carry around.

He opens it up, looks into it, and double takes.  
He definitely looks different than he usually does, but he can’t decide if it’s bad or not.  
If Rose says it’s hot, then he trusts her opinion enough to think maybe she might be right.

He can hear the doorbell go, followed by a couple of quick knocks, and his eyes widen.  
Oh god, it’s so soon. He’s not ready at all.  
He stands up regardless.

“I’ll be here when you get back. Try and have a good time okay?” She says, before hugging him. He hugs her back, shrugs on a jacket, and then makes his way downstairs.

He opens the door, and there’s the puppy, looking as sweet as ever.  
He actually feels a little underdressed looking at him, and god what if they’re going out to dinner or something?

“Are you ready?” He asks him.

And no, he’s not really, doesn’t think he’ll be ready for at least a few months, but he nods and closes the door behind him anyway.  
They walk over to his car, and he’s glad it’s not a bike or something. He doesn’t need more reasons to be reminded of who he isn’t with tonight.

“You look nice.” He says, and he opens his car door for him. 

“So do you.” He says back, because he knows that’s the polite thing to do. 

On the drive over it’s just simple small talk, asking about classes and what he’s done the past few days and about Rose. It’s easy and doesn’t require much effort and he’s grateful for that.

It feels like it doesn’t take them long to get there.  
And oh, they’re at school.  
They’re going to watch a football game.  
Okay then.  
It’s not something he’s ever really been interested in, something he watches rarely with his dad, maybe the superbowl every few years or something. He’s always been crazy about bikes, that’s it, but he guesses he can suck it up for an evening.

Rose might be right. He might meet an even better guy here.

He lets himself out of the car because he still feels a bit awkward about someone opening the door for it. He’s absolutely not used to that level of chivalry. He waits at the hood of the car, not entirely sure where he’s going or what he’s meant to be doing, but he doesn’t have to wait long. 

They walk over, and the small talk continues some more. He’s not really into it yet, but maybe things will change as the night goes on.  
He’s behind, so it’s easier to follow, but it’s no secret where they’re going when a ton of other people are trying to walk over to the field too.  
There’s a ton of seats here, more than he was expecting, and he’s lead up some steps to the middle of a stand.

Everyone near the field looks so small, and he wonders how he’s meant to figure out what’s going on down there when he can barely see.

He’s just looking at his hands in his lap because he just feels awkward about this whole thing. This was a silly idea, he knows he’s not good at talking to people, and this guy is trying to get him to talk so much. 

He gives a few words here and there and prays that nothing more is asked of him.

 

He looks up and sees Philip.  
He thinks he’s dreaming at first, making the whole thing up because he wants nothing more than to see Philip, but no, that’s actually him.

He’s walking up the steps, and he’s just looking at him, and Philip sees him at the same time. The guy next to him is still talking to him about something pointless but it doesn’t matter because it’s like everything fades away. They’re looking at each other and he hasn’t seen him since he was last in his bedroom and everything comes flooding back to him.  
He can’t look away.  
He’s more beautiful than ever.  
And with someone else.

Of course he is. 

He keeps his head locked onto him until Philip stops looking at him.  
God, how is he meant to concentrate on this guy and this date when _Philip_ is _here_.

“Do you need me to explain the game to you?” He’s asked.

He nods, because yeah, just keep talking so I don’t have to talk to right now.  
He’s fairly certain the only word he’d be able to say is Philip. 

The game starts and the guy is still talking, trying to explain it, but he’s not really paying attention. He’s nodding when he thinks he needs to be, and he probably looks ridiculous, but Philip is here.

He just tries to stay planted to the seat so he doesn’t go and ruin everything by tracking him down.

 

It feels like the game must be halfway over at least because he’s been freezing his nuts off for what feels like ages.  
His date is still trying to talk to him but he’s not putting in a lot of effort. The conversation is kinda stilted and stagnant but he doesn’t feel overly apologetic about it right now.  
Philip starts walking down the steps, and he’s acutely aware of his presence. Philip looks back at him, just a quick glancing look to see if he’s looking, and of course he is because how can he focus on anything else but Philip. It lasts a fraction of a second but it’s enough, he knows Philip is signaling for him to follow, can just feel it in his bones, and he would probably follow this boy to the ends of the earth if it meant he got to be with him again. He waits ten seconds and it drags, feels like the longest time he’s ever stopped himself from doing something, and it’s ten seconds way too long. His date is halfway through a sentence but he doesn’t care because _Philip_ is waiting for him.  
“Hey, I’m just gonna, go and get some drinks.”  
He knows it’s rude but he doesn’t care because Philip is here and Philip wants to see him and his brain is just a litany of Philip’s name and images of Philip’s lips and he just needs. 

“Yeah, okay. Do you need any money?”

“No, no. I’m good.” He says, waving him off and walking away probably a little too quickly.  
He has to get to Philip though. That’s all that matters.

He walks down the steps and tries to follow the general direction he thinks Philip went in. He doesn’t know where he’s going, doesn’t really know what he’s doing.  
He has no idea where Philip is and god, he really didn’t think this through. He’s just wandering now, desperate to find him.  
He’s looking around, searching, when a hand reaches out, grabs him, and pushes him against a fence.

It’s fast, it’s so fast, but he has enough time to look up and see that it’s Philip before his lips are on his.  
Oh fuck.  
Philip is kissing him.  
God he’s missed this so much.

Philip pushes him back as much as possible, and then brings his hands up so they’re gripping the chain link fence next to his head, boxing him in like maybe he’s scared he’ll get away. How could he ever leave though? Everything he wants is right here.  
Maybe Philip is scared that _he’s_ the one that’s going to leave, and that he’s holding the fence to keep himself grounded and right here and not off somewhere else.  
He doesn’t know, he has no idea what Philip is thinking right now. All he knows is what he can touch and what he can feel, and that is Philip kissing him and wanting him in this second. 

He’s pretty certain he’s in heaven.

They’re kissing in sync, and it’s just like riding a bike because they’re moving in tandem, anticipating what the other is going to do, and it’s never been this sweet before. Philip is kissing him like he knows every part of him, knows his wants and his dreams and his sorrows and they perfectly match up with his.  
Every lick of Philip’s tongue against his own is salving all the wounds he left behind the last time they kissed, and he never wants to stop.

It’s so good he could almost cry.

He doesn’t want to break away because he’s trapped in a fairy tale and he has no idea how long this is going to last, but he has things he needs to say. He’s sick of words being left unspoken between them, of complex looks being traded instead, and he doesn’t want to cause any confusion or misunderstandings between them.

He loves Philip. He needs Philip. He wants to be with him more than anything. It’s as simple as that.  
Above all though, he’d give that blessed boy anything he wanted, even if it wasn’t him.  
He’s head over heels, fallen into a pit of love of his own making, and the only one who can get him out is standing right in front of him.  
“Tell me what you want. I’ll give you anything. _Please._ ” and he means it. He means it more than anything he’s ever said before because he’s not sure he can survive this life without this boy by his side. Has no idea how he survived 17 years of his life without him. Philip is just looking at him with that broken look again and he just doesn’t get it. He’s offering all of himself, no hesitation, and the way Philip is looking at him just makes him feel lost.  
Philip doesn’t say anything, never gives him an answer, just kisses him again and again. It’s not enough, it’ll never be enough, but he doesn’t have the power to say no to him because it’s something and he’ll take it, take scraps of love that Philip is willing to give him. It’s better than nothing, and he’s an utter slave to the way every part of Philip moves against his. He can’t give this up, there’s no way, and it only fuels the desperate way he tries to claim Philip.  
He pushes his hands under the edge of Philip’s t-shirt and drags his fingertips up until he can feel soft, hot, bare skin and he’s addicted to the way this boy feels. He knows his hands are cold from the evening air and Philip lets out a noise of surprise from the chill of his hands. It’s adorable and it’s just another thing in a long list of reasons why he’s in love with him.  
Philip presses even closer to him and he can feel that he’s hard, and god, he’s missed that too. He just needs, he wants, and he doesn’t care that they’re in public right now. He doesn’t think anyone can see them, but even if they could, it wouldn’t matter.  
Screw everybody else. The only person that matters is in his arms.

But, then it just ends.  
Philip takes his hands off the fence, and brings them round his back so he can take his hands off him. His lips are the last to leave him, and it almost feels reluctant, and this makes no sense because he’d be happy to keep kissing Philip. Philip doesn’t have to leave, he doesn’t, and why can’t he see that?  
He steals away into the night without a word, and he’s just so confused.  
He slumps against the fence, runs a hand through his hair, and tries to regain all of his senses.  
What just happened?

He’s there for at least ten minutes before he can move. He’s fairly certain his legs are jelly Philip kissed him that good. He kicks out to make sure he’s good enough to move, and he still feels a little weak, but he supposes it has to do.  
He starts walking on almost liquid legs.

Oh shit.  
He came here to get drinks.  
He goes to queue up, and that adds another ten minutes to the time it’ll take for him to get back to his seat.  
At least it gives him time to try and clear his mind.

 

Needless to say he goes back to his seat, body thrumming, lips kissed slick and red. He fidgets restlessly, his fingers itching to just touch Philip, but Philip has gone somewhere else, gone back to that guy he came here with, and his heart just aches. He doesn’t know how it’s possible for someone to make him feel so vibrant and alive but feel like he’s dying too at the same time. If this is love, then he really doesn’t want it.

The drinks are sitting next to them, untouched.  
The guy, god, he can’t even remember his name, holds his hand, and he stops his leg from bouncing up and down. It just feels wrong, that he’s doing all of these first steps to something real with a boy but it’s not Philip he’s doing them with. He kinda feels sorry for him, this guy is clearly trying but he’s never going to stop thinking of Philip. Not today, or tomorrow, or a year from now. He squeezes his hand and let’s go, hopes it’s enough to put him on for a while.

“You’re not really enjoying this are you?” He asks.

He shakes his head, because no, he’s not at all. He has no idea what’s happening, he’s never been overly interested in football. He doesn’t know who’s winning or who he should be cheering for. He’s not really enjoying anything about this evening. Philip has left him love drunk and dumbstruck and he just, he doesn’t have a clue what’s happening. He can’t be outside of his head right now, and it’s not fair to who he’s with.

“I didn’t think so. That’s okay though, it’s not for everyone. I’ll take you home.” And there he is, being the sweet puppy that he is.  
He stands up and offers his hand to help him up. He takes it, because he knows it’s more than what it is, knows that this guy is trying to be a good date even if he chose a terrible place. It’d be rude if he didn’t accept it.

He walks them to his car, and again opens the door for him.  
He seems to take the hint that he’s not in the mood to talk, because he puts the radio on, not too loud, and just concentrates on driving him home.

The door is opened for him again once they’ve reached his house.  
This guy walks him to his door, and it’s just a lovely idea. It’s strange, to be on the receiving end of something like this, but he can’t deny that it’s a nice sentiment.

“I hope it wasn’t too terrible for you tonight.” And he really needs to remember this boy’s name because he can’t keep calling him puppy in his head.

The guy steps forward into his space, and he knows what’s coming. He does it slow enough that he can definitely pull away if he wants to, but he feels paralyzed and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He feels like he should preserve the memory of Philip on his lips, like he might betray him if he doesn’t, but how can he betray a concept that isn’t real?  
He doesn’t move, he just lets it happen.  
It’s weird, he feels different to Philip, of course he does, but it reminds him of him a little. He’s soft lips and hard angles, and whilst it’s nothing more than a chaste meeting of lips, he can still feel more pressure than he ever has with a girl.

He’s gay, he’s definitely gay. This 100% confirms it because it’s a thousand times better than kissing Rose. It’s also a million times less intense or good or mind-blowing or anything compared to kissing Philip.  
He tries not to dwell on that.

He’s not really kissing back, but he’s also not really moving away.  
It only lasts a few seconds, but it’s enough to make him feel a little guilty.

He pulls away, and the way he’s being looked at, makes him feel like he’s being pitied a little bit. He’s fairly certain he should be the one dishing out the pity right now though. He looks apologetic now, and they’re mirroring the look.

Yeah, it was probably a little obvious that he wasn’t too into that.

“Do you want to take it slow?” He’s asked.

It’s a get out clause, he knows it. He’s thankful for it too, that this boy is so nice that he’ll let him go if he thinks he’s overstepped his boundaries. He’s giving him so much choice, and it’s freeing. It’s so different to being with Rose, he doesn’t feel like he has to be with him like he did with Rose. It’s not expected of him to really date boys, in fact, some people would rather he didn’t do it. He gets a choice and it’s just nice. It’s not like it was Philip either though, because he doesn’t feel like he needs to be with him.

He has a choice right now. 

“Yeah. I haven’t dated a boy before so…” He trails off, unsure what to say. He somehow thinks ‘so I’m not entirely into it with you because I’m already in love with another boy but he doesn’t want me so I’m trying with you’ would go down too well. Even he doesn’t think he’s that cruel, and he wants to try, he really does, but he’s not entirely sure he’s ready yet.

That’s a lie.  
He knows he’s not.

With the way Philip kissed him tonight, he’s completely lost any progress he may have made. He’s fallen for him hook, line, and sinker, and that’s it.  
But Philip never answered him. Philip never told him he wanted him, and he’s confused beyond belief, but he won’t trust that Philip actually likes him until he hears it.  
So Philip doesn’t like him.

This boy does though, and he’s really trying to make things nice for him. He’s sweet and he’s kind, and maybe somehow he can make that be enough for him.

“So you’re a little unsure about what to do, yeah? That’s okay. I haven’t really dated before either. We can figure it out together.”

He does genuinely smile at that, because this boy truly is a sweetheart. The bad in him must be a magnet for good people or something because against all odds he always seems to find himself surrounded by them.

Things always come in threes. He’s hurt Rose, and he’s hurt Philip, so it’s almost inevitable that he’s going to hurt this boy.  
He needs the distraction though. He needs to stop thinking about Philip and if this boy is willing to help with that then he’s not going to deny him the right.  
He tries not to feel that much of an asshole about it. 

“Yeah, we can do that.” He says, and he gets a smile in return that’s full of sugar. It should fizz inside him, but instead it feels flat and he already knows he might regret this. He has to try though.

“Can I hug you then? Is that okay? Or are you more of a handshake guy?” He’s smiling at him again, and he doesn’t think he’s ever met someone so naturally happy before.

“I don’t mind either.” And it’s honestly never a question he’s been asked before. It’s strange, but in a good way. 

“Then how about we do both?”

He sticks his hand out, and then he places his own against it, and gets it vigorously and overenthusiastically shaked.  
He laughs, because it honestly feels so ridiculous. It’s meant to though, and he’s being smiled at again.  
It’s silly, it’s so silly, but it’s the first time tonight that he’s laughed and actually felt something pure and untainted.

They let go of each other’s hands and then he steps in again, a little quicker now that he knows his intentions. 

The puppy, Matt, because he’s finally remembered his name, hugs him, and it feels nice. It’s a good hug; it’s warm and safe and lasts less than three seconds. It’s just entirely non-threatening, and he thinks that’s just how Matt is. His hands don’t trail off anywhere and he doesn’t try to kiss him again or do anything weird. He just hugs him, and he doesn’t perfectly fit against him, but it’s definitely not terrible.

Matt pulls away and doesn’t try to linger in any way. He puts his hands by his sides and he’s back to being casual and fun now.  
He actually feels better about tonight now, because this is probably the most carefree interaction he’s had in months.

“I’ve gotta go. I’ve actually, uh, got a curfew.” He says a little sheepishly, and this boy is certifiably adorable. He’s probably gonna stick to calling him puppy.

“Get home safe.” He says, and he’s never been good with words, so it’s the only kind of appropriate and okay thing he can think of to say.

Matt smiles at him again, and he thinks that his face must hurt from how much he does it.

“I’ll talk to you later?” He poses it as a question, and there he is, giving him the choice yet again.

He just nods at him, and Matt’s smiling at him whilst walking himself backwards blind. He almost stumbles on the step, and he’s reminded of when they first met. He’s waving at him, so he waves back a little, and that’s when Matt turns around and goes to his car.

He stands on the porch a little while and just tries to go through everything that happened tonight.

Philip sought him out and kissed him. Kissed him until he had his fill and then left him a little more broken than when he found him.  
He just wants it again, and maybe that makes him a masochist, but nothing is ever going to beat the feeling of the way they fit against each other. He thinks Philip probably makes him whole, and now he doesn’t have him he’s only half full, half a person just walking around.  
He doesn’t get to make Philip’s decisions for him though, so whatever Philip wants and decides to do, he’ll just accept it. He’s too powerless when it comes to him to do anything else.

But Matt though, Matt was patient and kind and he thinks if he tries hard enough then maybe Matt could make him smile a little. Make things the tiniest bit better.  
He’s not entirely sure that idea is going to work though.

Yeah, Matt is a nice boy, through and through, but he's no Philip.  
No one is ever going to compare to Philip. 

 

And as if he knows he’s thinking of him, as if by some cosmic force or something, he gets a text from Philip.  
He almost ends up falling down.

He wonders if it’s some cruel joke or something, if Rose changed her name in his phone to Philip’s so he doesn’t feel less lonely or something.  
His hands are shaking as he opens it up.  
He looks at the number before he reads anything, and no, it’s definitely Philip’s number.  
This is Philip.

He feels elated, and his eyes dart down to read what it is.  
Maybe it’s an apology, or a reason for what happened tonight, or maybe it’s just to say hi. It could be anything, it really could, and he’s frantic as his eyes float over every word.

It’s not any of those things. He’s not entirely sure what it is, other than a request.

‘The movies. Thursday 8pm. Bring your date.’

Yes.  
Always yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys, not done with the angst yet  
> will these boys ever learn though? i'm honestly not sure
> 
> but hey, look at that, lukas is out. small mercies and everything i guess
> 
> tomorrow: more dates and more heartbreak
> 
> also i made a playlist of songs for this fic. i might add to it at some point but here it is  
> http://8tracks.com/stumbleindevotion/two-lost-souls-discover-salvation


	11. Chapter 11

He unlocks the door, goes inside, and waits for the inevitable onslaught of questions from Rose. She’s literally there waiting for him when he gets in, her body only slightly illuminated by the pale light drifting in through the windows and he almost jumps out of his skin.

“You were out there ages. Are you alright? Was it that terrible?” Her eyes widen. “Did you just make out with him on the porch? What would the neighbors say? Lukas Waldenbeck.”

He waits a second before he responds. His brain is still stuck on Philip kissing him and wanting to see him again so he can’t exactly process what Rose is saying immediately, especially not when she’s talking a mile a minute.

“I was just thinking about how I felt about it before you started asking me a ton of questions is all.”

“So how do you feel about it? Tell me everything. Do we need ice cream?”

“We don’t need ice cream.” He says, and already he feels tired because he can see this going on for hours yet.

“So it was good then. I’m happy for you.” She says.

“I don’t know if it was good though. He took me to a football game.”

“You know, he might know you don’t like football right. That he took you there so you’d rather pay attention to him then the game and you could get to know him better.”

He didn’t even consider that. He didn’t think that’s what he was doing, but she was right, everyone knew he loved bikes and didn’t have an interest in any other sport. Matt should’ve known that too and what if he had just taken him there so they could talk. It was sweet, in a cunning way, and he had a little bit more respect for him momentarily.

“I don’t know. We didn’t really talk a lot.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not good at talking to people who aren’t you and-” He almost says his name, but he stops himself, because surely he can go five minutes without thinking about him or talking about him. Plus, if he mentions his name, he won’t be able to stop himself mentioning how he was kissed within an inch of his life and how Philip might want to do it again. Rose would lecture him then and it would just be a mess that he doesn’t want to deal with right now. He can keep this one thing a secret for now.

Rose picks up on it, knows who he’s going to say without him saying.

“Okay, yeah. You won’t be able to talk to him until you, you know, talk to him though.”

She had a point, but he wasn’t overly interested at the moment. Maybe tomorrow or in a few days when he’d managed to cut down thoughts of a certain person from every minute to every two minutes or something.

“I know. I’ll give him a chance.” He says. It’s not the truth though, he wrote him off the second after he said yes to him. He’s not Philip, and whilst Philip isn’t giving up on him, whilst he’s being given the slightest slither of hope, no one else is going to be able to have any part of him.

“So you went to a game and then came home?”

“We left early ‘cos I wasn’t feeling it. He brought me home and he shook my hand and hugged me.

“Anything else?”

“Well, he did kiss me.”

“He kissed you?” And she looks ecstatic. He half wishes he could feel how she does about it because at least then he might be able to actually give this thing a proper go.  
“What was it like? Do you want to do it again?” And maybe he’ll have to get her to kiss Matt instead of him if it’s making her this excited.

“I don’t know, like a kiss. It was too soon. I’m not ready to kiss him yet.”

“Lukas, you’ll never be ready if you don’t let yourself try.” She sounds exasperated, and he almost wants to tell her about Philip, but he thinks it might cause an argument between them and he doesn’t want to do that. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

“I think I’m going to see him again.”

“Yeah?” She says, and she’s got a small private smile on her face. God, he doesn’t deserve her. Doesn’t deserve how kind and encouraging she is. She’s too much of a good person for someone like him.

“Yeah.” He says, and he bundles her into a hug.

“Okay. Now it’s my turn to talk about boys.” She says, pulling away, and he just groans at her. She laughs at him, and at least the spotlight isn’t on him for a little while.

* * *

 

He doesn't tell Rose about the text at all. He doesn't tell anyone because he doesn't really know what it means. Does Philip want to go on a double date or something? Because he's not sure he could sit across a table or something from Philip when he's with another guy, not without staring daggers at them, or just full on grabbing Philip and kissing him in front of everyone.  
Yeah, that probably wouldn't be taken well.  
He knows he’s going to go though, even though it’s a dumb idea and it’ll probably hurt him somehow. He’s going to go because he can’t find it in himself to stay away from Philip.

 

Matt agrees to go to the movies with him, almost readily, but seems surprised that he’s being asked too. Maybe he thought Lukas wasn’t really into him, and he’d be right because he honestly wasn’t that much, but he guesses it won’t be too bad. It’s the movies, they don’t have to really talk, and he gets to see Philip. Sounds like a good date to him.  
Matt offers to pick him up again, and there he is, being a true gentleman.

Now he knows he’s actually getting to see Philip, he can’t stop the excitement immediately thrumming in him and staying seated low inside him for the next few days.  
He hopes Philip doesn’t break his heart again, because he’s totally willing to hand it over once more, no questions asked.

 

Thursday takes too long to arrive and once it does, it seems to drag ridiculously and he feels like he’s lived an entire week just in this one day at school. It finally ends though, and every minute from here until 8 is one second closer to seeing Philip.

He goes home as quickly as he can, and even though he has hours yet, he rushes upstairs and tries to remember which clothes Rose deemed as his hottest.  
He picks out probably the tightest pair of jeans he ones and a slightly looser fitting long sleeved t-shirt and he hoped that would do. Tight was always good right? Unless it was leather and on an old man.

He had another text from Philip waiting for him today when he got out of class, and all it said was ‘wear eyeliner’. He would’ve asked Rose to help him with it, but she would’ve seen through any excuse he could’ve come with as to why he wanted to wear it, so he guesses he just had to figure this one out on his own.

He’d bought some earlier in the week because he kinda had liked how it looked on him and he’d been practicing to figure out what he needed to do with it. He had shaky hands that were too big for such a little pencil and it made it harder but he didn’t want to give up on trying to get it right yet.  
He was still pretty terrible, not the best at drawing smooth lines, but he was better than he was earlier in the week. He just hoped that’d be enough for Philip.

He’s ready by half four, and that gives him another three hours to wait. It’s too long, and he curses himself for being so overeager.

He struggles to find something to do, but he must manage to because before he knows it, Matt is picking him up with his unwavering manners and puppy dog eyes.

It’s just small talk, like always, and it’s easy enough to answer all of Matt’s questions.  
Everything is going quick, and he just hope time manages to somehow slow down when he sees Philip.  
He has a funny feeling it’ll just speed up.

They get there at 7:50 and Matt immediately seems to be rushing thinking that he’s late. It’s cute, in an annoying way, and literally as long as Philip is there, he really doesn’t care what time they get there.

They park up, and he makes sure to open his door again. Matt locks up and they start walking over. As they are, he gets the feeling that Matt wants to hold his hand. He doesn’t do it though, and it’s more than a relief.  
They go through the doors, and he looks around, trying to find something decent that they can watch. They aren’t exactly spoilt for choice,

“Oh, hey, Philip’s over there. We should say hi.”

Shit, Matt knows who Philip is? Fuck. It shouldn’t surprise him, not in a school as small as theirs and not when Jared used to start shit with Philip too. He didn’t even consider that Matt might know Philip and he absolutely can’t let this happen but Matt is walking over to Philip without waiting for an answer so he guesses he doesn’t have a choice in the matter.  
He walks over and tries not to look as scared as he feels.

Whilst he’s walking over though, he notices the guy Philip is with, tall and lanky and clearly blonde. If he was drunk, really drunk, it’d almost be like looking into a mirror.  
He settles slightly, because isn’t that interesting?  
If he can notice it, then maybe other people can too. Hopefully that means this guy won’t last that long and him and Philip can drop whatever little game they’re starting.

“Philip, hey! Funny running into you guys here. Are you on a date too?” Matt says as his eyes flit between the both of them, and when Matt isn’t looking at Philip, Philip directs his eyes at him and gives him a questioning look. He didn’t say anything, he swears, and he hopes he can show Philip that with his eyes. Also hello, and I love you with my all my heart. If Philip can get that too then life would be great.

“Yeah we are. It’s our first one.” The guy with Philip says, and the heart eyes he directs at Philip are nauseating. Sure, he understands it, Philip is incredible, but he has no right to look at him like that.

He’s petty and he’s jealous and he hates it.

“Aw, that’s sweet. Isn’t that sweet, Lukas?” This is our second.”

“Yeah, totally sweet.” He says a little dumbly. He wants to be there instead of this guy. He wants to hold Philip’s hand, and it’s actually taking more restraint than he thought he had to not run off with Philip anywhere that isn’t here and just be with him.

“What are you guys seeing?” Matt asks.

“I can’t actually remember what it’s called. Can you babe?” And Philip almost throws up because this guy is really taking the lovey-dovey stuff to the next level. He needs to stop. He needs to not do that with Philip.

“I can’t remember the name of it either.” He looks up at the screen of movies, with the names, times, and screen numbers on them, and tries to find something to jog his memory probably.  
“I think it’s that one,” He says, pointing to the film right at the top.

He doesn’t care, and whilst everyone is looking at the board, he sneaks a look at Philip. He doesn’t understand how he look so beautiful at all times, how his jaw is strong and his lips are full and he’s just so kissable.  
He wishes he could kiss him right now.

Philip doesn’t say or do anything, of course he doesn’t, but he knows that he can see him watching him.  
It only lasts a second, only long enough not to be suspicious.

“We could join them, if you wanted to.” Matt says to him, and that’s actually the best idea he’s had all day.

“If they don’t mind.” He says, and whilst the question is directed at both of them, both him and Philip know that it’s only really meant for him.

“Yeah, sounds fun, right Philip?”

“Yeah. Go get your tickets guys. We’ll see you in there.” He says, before turning and walking away.

Him and Matt go to queue up and get their tickets, and he’s semi-thankful that the queues aren’t that long because he just wants to get back to Philip.  
He makes sure to give Matt money for his ticket so he doesn’t feel like he owes him something.

They get their tickets and a drink each and then walk over to the screen.

It’s already dark inside once they get in, the light from the previews slightly illuminating everyone’s faces in a dark artificial hue, and it doesn’t take him long to spot Philip.  
He’s fairly certain he could find him in the pitch black.

The guy, he never found out his name and he doesn’t want to, is leaning into Philip, almost whispering in his ear. He barely knows him! He has no right to be that intimate with him, and it makes his skin crawl.  
He walks past them, doesn’t care if Philip sees that or not, and Matt seems immediately confused.

“Aren’t we going to sit next to them?” Matt asks.

No. They’re not.  
If he has to sit next to Philip and be almost pressed up against him and he’s not allowed to touch him, yeah, he’s not going to enjoy that one bit.  
He’d probably only last two minutes at most before he lost it and just made out with him and that wouldn’t make a lot of people bar him and hopefully Philip happy. He likes to think he’s not that much of an asshole though, and he doesn’t want to test himself, so he keeps on walking.

Plus, he doesn’t want to see anyone try to compete with him for Philip’s affections.  
He likes to think that they couldn’t, but he’s honestly not sure.

“Philip likes to talk when he watches movies. I thought you’d wanna just concentrate on it.” He says.

The best lies are based in truth, and he knows Philip likes to talk because he knows what happened the last time he was in a theater. Another reason why he can’t sit next to Philip.

Matt smiles at him like he’s done something thoughtful and part of him hates how this boy takes any reason to be happy. He’s fairly certain it’s not natural. Maybe he’s just too cynical for his own good though.

Yeah, he can’t concentrate, not at all, because this asshole is trying on that whole ‘pretends to yawn and stretch but actually is totally a front for putting your arm behind someone’ move, and Philip doesn’t shut him down. He clenches his fist because he really doesn’t want to watch this but he can’t focus on anything other than what Philip is doing and how he reacts to him. He’s trying to figure out why the hell he would allow this, why he isn’t shutting it down at all. It can’t be like he enjoys this because this guy must get all his dating tips from Flirting For Dummies or How To Be A Loser On A Date 101. It’s generic and lame and Philip is way better than this boring guy.  
Come to think of it though, he’s not exactly leaning into it. He’s just letting it be there and that’s a little more awkward.

It doesn’t take Philip long after that to excuse himself, but it’s long enough that it might not look suspicious to the guy.  
Yeah, this is totally his cue, and it’s a nice coincidence that his drink is almost empty and he can use that as an excuse to leave.

He sees Philip get up and leave, and he waits his standard ten seconds before he leaves too.

“Hey. I’m gonna get a drink and maybe a snack. Do you want one?” He whispers to Matt.

“No I’m good.” He says, and that’s that. He can go off and find Philip and do whatever it is that Philip wants to do.

He gets out of his seat and walks down the steps, turns so he’s walking outside the screen doors, and there Philip is waiting for him.

“Why did you want me here?” He asks.

Philip doesn’t say anything, just starts walking, and he presumes he has to follow.  
Philip keeps walking until he reaches the men’s bathroom, and he feels a little weird about following him in here. Philip still hasn’t said anything to him though, so he just keeps walking.

Philip looks around, and he doesn’t get what he’s looking for. He’s not sure if he finds it or not, but Philip pushes him into a stall regardless.  
He’s right on his back, ushering them in as quickly as possible, and he gets the door closed behind them and locked quicker than he thought possible.

It really doesn’t take long before their lips meet, and oh, that’s why he’s here.  
He’s not gonna complain in the slightest.

He doesn’t understand how this can feel better every time, but Philip gives him small kisses and then takes his bottom lip between his teeth and bites them so they’re a little fuller and more sensitive. Then he goes back to kissing him and it tingles and sends sparks coursing through his body.  
God, he’s not gonna be able to survive this boy.

It’s good, but it’s not enough because he has so many feelings he needs to get out right now.  
He twists his head, deepens it and makes it into something more. Philip immediately responds and it makes him want to cry out.

He’s possessive, he needs to be, because he’s fairly certain the guy Philip’s actually on a date with held his hand earlier too and it just makes his blood boil. That’s not his hand to hold. He has no right to do it and he needs to wipe Philip’s memories so he’s the only person that’s left in them. He should be the only person that matters to Philip, because he’s the only person that matters to him.

Philip has him pushed up against the wall in the stall and the way Philip’s hands slide across his stomach and round to his back, how his nails dig in slightly and scratch marks into him, he thinks Philip might just be a little jealous too. God he hopes so, and he’ll play things up with Matt in the future if it means Philip touches him like this a little more, like the only way he can feel normal is if he touches him. He wants Philip to own his body like he owns his heart and the thought doesn’t scare him in the slightest.

Philip kisses down his neck, and he makes sure he moves his t-shirt to the side so Philip can suck a mark into his collarbone if he wanted to. Somewhere he can hide with ease, but also uncover with ease. Somewhere he can easily look at and touch later when he’s getting himself off to the memory of this. Philip does want to leave a mark, of course he does, and he gladly applies suction with his mouth, nibbles at the skin slightly until it’s a dark red.  
He has to put his arm up to his mouth to muffle his moans because this is definitely a public bathroom and there’s no way they can be alone together in here. Someone has to be just outside, maybe multiple people, so he can’t make a noise no matter how much he wants to. He thinks it just gets to Philip more though, that he _has_ to muffle his moans because he can’t stop himself from making them, that it feels that good that he has to make it known. It’d be hot if Philip did it for him, and Philip must agree if the way his hands slide down to grip at his hips is any indication.

Philip lifts his head up and he’s back to kissing him again and it just feels perfect. His hands go to rest on each side of his head, to hold him there as much as possible and the way they’re clinging to each other makes him fall in love a little bit more. They’re so close and it’s so full of meaning that he almost feels like he’s flying.  
He slows it down, and just lets himself be immersed in how their mouths collide like they were meant for this. 

It doesn’t take longer after that for Philip to break away from him, and he already knows what that move means.  
Philip walks away, and he doesn’t like it this time either. He really doesn’t get what game he’s playing here, but he’s playing it too. He’s a part of it and even though it hurts, he’s not entirely sure he’d be able to stop.  
He steels himself, tries to make sure he doesn’t look like he’s just had his heart smashed a little more, and exits the stall as well.

There’s no one around, thank god, and he just slips out the door.  
He almost forgets his drinks, the whole excuse for him coming out in the first place according to Matt, and he has to circle back to get one.

After that, he just goes back to his seat and Philip goes back to ignoring him.

It almost feels like it never happened.  
He doesn’t know if he feels better or worse for it, but he doesn’t think he’d take it back. Not when they fit together like they do,

 

Later, after he’s gone home and he’s wrapped up in his duvet, he gets another time from Philip.  
It’s another time, day, and place.

Fuck, Philip wants this again.  
He can’t say no.

* * *

It just keeps happening. He keeps getting texts from Philip and he makes sure to find a way to convince Matt to be with him at whatever time and whatever place Philip asks him to be. To be honest, it really doesn’t take a lot of convincing at all, Matt always being so eager to spend time with him. So he keeps hanging out with Matt just for something to do, an excuse and a reason to spend more time with Philip. Part of him though, the biggest part, keeps hanging out with Matt and no one else because he hopes it’ll make Philip jealous.  
He suspiciously thinks with all the guys that he’s seen Philip with, he’s trying to do the exact same thing. It’s working. It’s totally working. He’s jealous beyond belief every time he sees Philip smile or laugh or be touched by some other guy. He should be that guy. He really should be.  
He doesn’t stop though, he can’t stop because he doesn’t want to disappoint Philip either, and if he’s asking for this, for whatever stupid reasons he may have, then he’s going to give them to him.

He doesn’t know how he does it but it seems to be a different guy every week and more often than not they’re tall and blonde and it just makes no sense. He’s right here, he wants Philip, why can it not be as simple as that?  
He doesn't understand. Is Philip doing this just to spite him? Is he just seeing other guys to make him jealous? It's totally and completely working if he is.

It’s taunting and he’s miserable but Philip is still tearing him away and taking him apart in secret and he’ll suffer through it all just for a kiss. It’s pathetic, how much he actually wants Philip now when he can’t seem to have him.  
He still doesn’t understand why he can’t though, and that’s the worst part.  
He only sees Matt outside of school when he knows Philip will be there. Philip still won’t talk to him, just send him texts with a place and a time and expects him to be there. He always is. He wonders if this is how Philip felt all those months ago when Lukas showed up in his bedroom and expected sex. No wonder he was stringing him along like this, Philip always did give as good as he got. He wonders if Philip hurt as much as this too.

It’s a vicious cycle that he can’t stop. He gets a text from Philip, asks Matt out, tries to ignore him as much as possible, and then sneaks away almost as soon as he sees Philip go. He’ll go through more than two hours with Matt for even five minutes with Philip and he hates that he’s such a sucker for Philip. He doesn’t particularly like that the puppy is such a sucker for him, that even though they barely talk he’s still hanging around and saying yes. He guesses they can both relate to doing silly things when you have feelings for someone.  
He’s not sure how many dates he’s been on with Matt now but he knows it must be a few because Matt keeps saying they’re ‘seeing each other’. He only has eyes for Philip though, so that’s not true. He just nods and plays along because if this is the only way that he can see Philip, if Philip will only let them be close in this situation, then he'd keep putting up with seeing Matt just for that.

He's an asshole, but he's in love.  
That probably doesn’t justify it though.

 

* * *

He gets another text from Philip, and this time he wants them to go to a restaurant.  
He really hopes this isn’t the double date he was dreading from the start.  
He mentions it to Matt, how they should go out to dinner and about how there was this restaurant he was wanting to try and Matt readily agrees. He always does, and he’s such a good sport for a terrible cause. The guilt gnaws at him a little, but he knows if he doesn’t do this, if he doesn’t see Philip, there would only be even more guilt.

They get to the restaurant for eight, and he can already see Philip there. His date is dark-haired for a change, and he doesn’t know what that’s meant to mean.

They’re seated, and they order drinks and appetizers, and he truly hopes it doesn’t take long for Philip to make a move.

 

It does. It takes an entire hour and he has to put up with Matt’s boring conversation for that long. He almost misses it when Philip finally does move because he’s that bored  
He sees Philip out of the corner of his eye, and he’s looking at him to make sure he’s looking back. Once he knows he is, he just turns his head and keeps on walking.

It’s finally happening, and he tries to think up of the nicest and most acceptable way to excuse himself.  
He’s waited too long for this.

He follows Philip, of course he does. There's nothing else in the world he’d rather do.  
He tries to wait; he tries not to make it so obvious. He entire body is being drawn to Philip’s though, and he finds it incredibly hard to wait out seeking Philip out until a reasonable amount of time has passed. He can’t recognize time any more, can’t tell if it’s dragging or going fast

“Hey, would you get us some more drinks? I’m just gonna…” He trails off and points in the general direction of ‘not here’. He really hopes he’s not pointing to the bathroom, because even though him and Philip aren’t being overly discreet, there’s a difference between that and basically advertising that he’s sneaking off to make out with someone else every time they see each other.  
He’s not entirely sure if he interrupted Matt talking or not, but maybe he’s so used to it by now that he just glosses over it.

“Oh, yeah, okay. Do you want the same again?”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.” He says, walking away.

He’s probably being a lousy date, but his mind can’t be here with Matt, when it’s over there with Philip.

He walks in the direction of where he thinks the bathrooms should be, that’s always the place where him and Philip meet when they need to be together. He wishes it could be different to this, but it’s all Philip is giving him, and he’s not going to deny himself this at all. He has only a vague idea where the bathrooms are, they’re not signposted well in this place at all, but he finds the door that says gentlemen. It’s almost funny that he’s walking in here a gentleman, but he knows he’s probably going to do something in here at least a little bit unsavory and walk out decidedly not as gentlemanly as he was when he walked in.

He pushes the door open, and as soon as he’s through it, it’s almost like Philip is lightly throwing him against it, and he’s on him in an instant.  
Their lips are on each other and it strikes him like lightning. It’s so much, and they’re so lucky that no one else is in here. Maybe fate is at play for once, and they’re just meant to be right here with each other.

It’s a push and pull, and it's fierce. He starts breathing heavier almost immediately and Philip isn’t holding back in the slightest. It’s just on the edge of hard, but Philip still feels pliant and soft enough for it not to be. He’s pushing his wants into him with how he moves his mouth against his and it’s intoxicating.  
It feels right, nothing has felt like right with another person before in his life. It settles him though, because he's been feeling too big for his skin all week, hasn't felt right since the last time he was Philip like this. They're both fighting to be dominant, but he's just doing it to rile Philip because he absolutely knows who’s in charge here and it's not him.

It’s risky, it’s way too risky. Philip isn’t even trying to guide him into a stall, is keeping him right here in the wide open space where absolutely anyone could see them if they walked in. It’s thrilling, that Philip doesn’t care about being caught, that he’s basically inviting it on them.  
Philip wants people to see them together. Fuck, he thought this day would never come.

He’s pushed back against a wall, feels the pressure of himself collide with it take a little of the breath out of his lungs. He doesn’t get why Philip keeps doing this, why he keeps himself pressed against his front, and makes sure something is pressed against his back, boxing him in and making sure he can’t leave. Doesn’t he get that he doesn’t want to leave by now? No one is forcing him to be here. He wants this, wants Philip, more than anything, and it should be plain to see by anyone who even knows them.  
The way he’s being kissed back makes him think Philip must know how he feels, because he’s fairly certain they’re making something close to love with their mouths. It’s cheesy as hell but maybe the anticipation all week has been building it up for him, and it’s just so much tonight. It’s like something has clicked with them and they’re finally fully connected. It’s right and righteous and it’s all he needs.

The only problem is though, Philip deserves better than a public bathroom, deserves to do something like this where it really matters and he can take his time and show him how much he loves him. Philip asks for this, literally, and he figures this is better than having nothing at all.  
He has less options here, which is more than halfway to being a problem. There’s no way he can take Philip apart here like he wants to, so it’s just kissing for now. The way it makes him feel alive though, he’s not sure he overly minds that this is all they can do. He hopes Philip feels the same.

Philip has his hand holding his neck, thumb pressed to the side of his throat, and it’s not, it’s not anything, not yet, but it could be, and that just adds to how intense this is. God, he’s never been into anything like that before but he bets Philip could make it so good. If Philip is the one to do it then he could probably make a lot of things feel good.

Philip is still in charge, still tries to make sure he knows that by the way he claims his mouth, and the way he twists his tongue just so to make sure he’s weak at the knees.  
He clings to him, his mind buzzing and going blank, just static everywhere. Every touch and caress is electric, and he knows he’s probably making way too many little noises right now, but he’s not going to even try to censor himself tonight. He doesn’t have the willpower to do that. He’s pretty certain he signed his will and rights away as soon as he laid his eyes on this boy, all those months ago. It’s not a bad thing though, definitely doesn’t feel like one, and when they’re like this, he trusts him not to hurt him.

The way Philip makes a little noise as his hands are roaming and pressing, it sounds an awful lot like ‘please, do it’ and there’s no way in hell he’s going to say no to that. He brings his hands down to Philip’s ass and presses their hips as close together as possible. He thrusts against him, with sweet, slow drags of his hips, and it makes him shake a little every time they connect. Philip’s hand moves up to his hair, and it’s almost like he uses the leverage from it to drag himself up further every time he moves his hips against him. They’re working against each other, making sure there’s friction at all times, and his fingers twitch with how good it feels.  
He can only do it a few times, because his head is swimming and it’s just way too much for him. He needs more, he’s greedy and he always needs more.

His hands go to the front of Philip’s jeans, because he just can’t take it anymore. He needs to get his hands on his dick, hasn’t wanted this as much before in his entire life, but he’s being driven wild and he doesn’t think it’s fair to deny either of them when he’s right here and it’s right there.

He gives Philip plenty of time to say no, to back away or stop his hands, but they just grip tighter in his hair. He’s fairly certain Philip is just running on base compulsions, just like he is, and that thought travels downwards in an instant. They’re being stupid and reckless, but they’re being it together, so that’s all that matters. Philip doesn’t say no, doesn’t stop him in any way, and it doesn’t take him long to undo the button on his jeans, unzip them, and take him out of them.

He wants to break away and look at it, but he doesn’t want to spook Philip at all so he just leaves it. It doesn’t stop him from wanting, but maybe there can be another day for this, and he can take his time taking Philip apart properly. Maybe he’ll get the chance to do whatever he wants, spend as long as he needs just looking at it. Maybe he could drop to his knees for him and learn every little thing he likes.  
God, he wants every part of Philip so bad that his brain and his heart and his dick ache with it.

They’re still kissing. He’s never been able to kiss anyone like this or for this long. He’s enjoying it so much though, could probably kiss Philip for another hour and still not be bored. He’s more convinced than ever that Philip must be magic or something. That, or he’s just completely and utterly in love with him. It’s a tossup between the two really.

God, it’s so hot and hard in his hand and it feels incredible. He almost can’t believe he’s never done this before, because why would he deny himself something so hot? God, he’s fairly certain he could totally get off on getting Philip off, and before him, he’d never been interested in something like that before. He starts stroking him, enough for him to feel something but nowhere near enough to get him off any time soon. He strokes up and down, twists a little as his hand gets closer to the head, and sometimes he flicks his thumb out to stroke softly at it. He hopes it’s driving Philip as wild as it is him.

The way he moans, it almost sounds like he’s saying ‘more’.  
He goes faster, surprisingly so, and it must leave Philip feeling off-kilter because the hand in his hair tightens to keep himself upright.  
He slows his hand down again soon after, and yeah, he’s totally teasing him and being a little fuck, but he wants as much of this as possible. He wants to drag it out, and he knows they don’t have the time for this at all, but it’s not like he’s exactly got the capacity to be rational right now, not when he has Philip in his arms.

Philip groans at him, and he chuckles dirtily. Yeah, he’s totally not being fair right now, but that just adds to the fun of it all. He speeds up again, and that hand is his hair tightens. He keeps it up for longer this time, gets Philip used to how it feels, and then he slows down again, slower than he was before. Philip shudders with it, his body not being able to deal properly with the change in sensations, and yeah, he can totally relate because Philip has taken him apart as expertly and teasingly as that a million times before.

He’s caught up in it, the way Philip is somehow still dominating him and almost making him make sure he can’t keep his hands to himself at all. The way their kisses are searing and burning him alive from the inside, but still being the sweetest and best thing he’s ever known. He’s not paying attention, can’t pay attention to anything but Philip, and that’s why he doesn’t hear someone approaching. That’s why he doesn’t hear the door open.

“Lukas-” He pulls away when he can hear his name being called. Fuck, Matt is standing there in the doorway, and there is absolutely no way he didn’t catch what he was doing with Philip.  
“Oh. You were gone a while so I was wondering what you were doing, but I can see what that is now.” He can see the tears forming in Matt’s eyes, and he knew this was inevitable. Bad things always come in threes.  
It was always inevitable that he was going to hurt him.

Maybe that means the worst is over.

He moves his hand away from where it is on Philip, and he can see Matt track it with his eyes. The tears are falling from them now, because it doesn't take a genius to guess what he was doing.

“I thought you were a good guy, but clearly you’re not. Bye Lukas. I hope you’re happy with yourself, and I hope I never have to see you again.”  
Matt leaves, and he feels a little guilty. It’s definitely nowhere near as guilty as he should feel though, because now Matt’s out the picture, that means Philip can just be with him right?

The worst is not over, and Philip definitely has different ideas.

He tucks himself in, zips up his pants, and does his button in what feels like two seconds. He starts walking away, and he’s too dumbstruck by being caught and Philip actually leaving after it to put a hand out to stop him.

He can’t, he can’t actually be leaving right? Because how could that make sense when there’s literally no obstacles anymore. They can just be together now. Can’t Philip see that?

He guesses Philip can’t though, because he’s almost at the door, and he’s not even turning back to look at him.

“Philip, stop.” he’s exhausted, feels like he has the world on his shoulders and he knows it must show because Philip pauses, grasping the handle of the door. He turns back to look at him now, and Philip looks so shut down that he can’t stand it.  
“Why can’t you get that I love you?” He doesn’t understand, because he thought it was plain as day, thought these past six weeks or however long it’s been would have been enough for Philip to know by now. He’d do anything for him, kiss him and be with him whenever he wanted. It should be enough.  
“Because you don’t.” he says, and he sounds equally as tired, like he’s lost too many parts of himself and he’s just as broken inside as he is.

It’s not fair. He’s willing to give him everything so Philip has no right to act like this.  
He just needs him to stay. That’s all he needs.

“Don’t leave me. _Please_ , Philip.”

Philip just sighs, resting his head on the hand that’s still clutching the handle.  
Please, he can’t do this to him again. He can’t.

But he does.  
He straightens up, pulls the handle, and walks out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye matt
> 
> woah i'm super late in uploading this, but i'm here. i bet you guys were starting to think i'd forgotten about you (I may have kind of fallen asleep too early)
> 
> i'm honestly kind of frustrating myself just writing this so i have no idea how it feels for you to be reading this  
> now, if they'd only just communicate they wouldn't be in any of this mess
> 
> tomorrow/later today: desperate times....


	12. Chapter 12

He tells Rose, everything. There's no point in hiding it now, not when it's over and another heart has been broken, another boy has been let down by the actions of another.  
She isn’t happy, not at all, and she doesn’t even try to hesitate in calling him out on his bullshit. It’s one of the reasons why they were work so well, because she’s so headstrong, but secretly clever with it at the same time, that she wouldn’t take injustice of any kind sitting down. This is no exception, and she shouts at him over how much of a dick he was to Matt. He knows that. She makes sure to tell him that if he only wanted Philip, wasn’t even interested in making it work with anyone else, then he shouldn’t have been leading someone along for months and giving them attention, misleading their affections and just confusing them. He knows that too.

 

He’d still do it all over again for Philip though, and he knows that probably makes him a horrible person. He’s either that, or just plain foolish.

 

Philip still isn’t talking to him, and he’s not going to try and coax him into it. Philip started this whole thing in the first place. He broke his heart in his bedroom all those weeks ago and ignored him afterwards, then he started things back up with then, he texted him but wouldn’t initiate anything else, he left him once again, and now he still wasn’t talking to him. If Philip wasn’t going to talk to him, then he wasn’t going to talk to Philip. It can just be a sad cycle of mutual ignorance. At this rate, they were never going to talk to each other again. His heart threatens to collapse in on itself at the thought. He just wants him back, and he doesn’t understand what enjoyment either of them can get from this. They can’t, there’s no way, and the bitter part of him inside hopes that Philip feels as miserable without him as he does. 

 

No Philip though, means no late night phone calls, and no late phone calls means fitful dreams of full lips and the empty promises they bestow. He misses him, incredibly, so much so that it bleeds into every aspect of his life. He thinks he has his pride and his superiority if he doesn’t talk to Philip though. He thinks he’s respecting his wishes, because if Philip wanted to be here with him, if he wanted to whisper his secrets into his ear every night then he would be. He’s not though, and there’s no point in chasing the memory of a dream gone by.

 

He doesn’t want to move on however, even if he’s doing nothing to show Philip or anyone but Rose that, so he still clings to the hope that maybe one day Philip will just turn around and want him back, for real this time.  
And it’s almost as ridiculous as blowing out candles on a birthday cake, because if no one knows what you want, then how are they meant to help you get it?

* * *

 

 

He’s tired. Philip still isn’t in his life and it’s been what feels like years since he’s been close enough to hear the sound of his voice. It hurts, makes him feel awful, but he’s still clinging on to silly reasons to not go after what he wants.  
The way Rose looks at him, all-knowing and all-pitying, makes him feel incredibly unsettled.  
He’s half worried she’s going to meddle and seek Philip out herself, force them together to admit their mistakes and their triumphs and make them something more.  
He wishes she would, because he’s going half insane trying to catalogue every little thing he knows and thinks and feels about Philip.  
He just wants him in front of him, close enough that he can trace the lines of his body with his hands and his mouth and the brush of his love. 

 

He’s tired, and seeing Philip in the hallways, looking tired, isn’t helping him from staying away.  
His self-control might crack soon, god he hopes it does, because he’s almost praying on a miracle to help him get Philip back in his life. 

 

He waits and he waits and he waits, but there’s nothing. It’s probably only been two days but time drags when the best thing about you isn’t a part of you anymore. He knows he’s being ridiculous, but he created a space in his life and his heart and everything so Philip can slide into it perfectly. Now he’s just left with a hole everywhere, the residual shape of a boy who isn’t here, but belongs here.  
He’s tired, and all he wants to do is kiss Philip.

 

He’s at school one morning, a couple of days later, and he’s almost delirious with his lack of sleep.

 

Philip is standing right there, on the opposite side of the hallway but he couldn’t feel farther away if he tried. He’s still not sleeping right, still can’t get him out of his mind.

He’s had enough. He doesn’t know what their problem is but he’s gonna solve it right now. He needs an answer once and for all so he can stop going out of his damn mind every time he looks or thinks or is reminded of him.

 

He needs to stop being a coward, stop waiting around for Philip to make the first move because he might be waiting forever if he does that.  
He needs to know, and he’s in love with Philip enough that he’s willing to risk his pride and his heart one last time in front of anyone who cared enough to watch. He doesn’t care though, that’s the thing, because his love for Philip really does come above everything else.

He walks over and Philip is just shutting his locker, just about to leave, and he honestly couldn’t have picked a better time.  
He turns him around, presses him against the lockers, and gives him the softest kiss he’s ever given anyone in his life. It’s not heated, it’s not trying to become more, it’s just his lips saying ‘I love you, I need you, I can’t live without you’. It hits him that this is the first time they’ve ever kissed outside the cover of privacy or darkness. He doesn’t know how they’ve gone this long without it but his kiss is a promise to rectify all his past mistakes and wrongs. He wants to do better this time. He wants to be the kind of person Philip deserves, because boy, he deserves the world. Lukas can’t give him that but he can give him this, he can give him all of him unconditionally, any time and any place. It doesn’t last long. He doesn’t want to push his luck and Philip hasn’t pushed him away yet but he could, god he could, and that would ruin him. It’s simple and soft but it still sets his body on fire.

He pulls away but he doesn’t want to stray too far in case this is the very last time he can ever have Philip this close. He’s looking at him and he has no idea what he’s thinking. He’s let Philip go and now he’s cryptic all over again and he doesn’t like it. He just has to know what he’s thinking, what all this means to him.

“What do you want Philip?”

His eyes are darting across his face but he’s just hopeless, needs to find something he can remember about how Philip looks at him so he knows what he wants. He knows he’s not breathing like he should but he needs to be as transparent as possible in order for Philip to see. He needs to be open so he can trust that he’s true.

“Tell me you love me.”

He wasn’t expecting that, was half expecting Philip to completely shut him down. It’s a strange request really. He’s never known Philip to be the type who needs to be told something. He always just knows exactly what someone is thinking or what they need, he’s dangerous that way. Right now though, he looks vulnerable and he must really need this. Maybe he needs him just as much. Maybe he hasn’t been able to sleep or breathe or live without him either. If Philip needed to know how he felt, then he could do this.

“I love you.” And it’s as easy to say as it is for him to breathe.

Philip’s looking surprised. There’s no reason for him to be surprised when he’d told him before but he looks dumbfounded, like his mind is tripping over the words as he’s trying to process them. He needs to get Philip to believe him though, needs to find something that will make him realize but he has no idea what could be enough for him.

Philip slips into a haze, finger touching his lips like he’s chasing a memory. He looks like he’s been kissed until he’s intoxicated and he doesn’t know which way is up or down. ‘I did that to him’ he thinks and satisfaction curls in his stomach because he’s blessed enough to have an effect on this angel.

Philip looks at him and he’s finally open and Lukas can see all his worries and hopes and dreams. He can see everything and he’s practically peering into his soul. He doesn’t think they’ve ever been this connected before and it’s rawer and more intimate than anything they’ve ever done.

“You kissed me. You kissed me in front of people.”

He leans down and kisses him again and Philip kisses back and it feels like the first time all over again. He hopes and prays that the press of his lips will be enough for forgiveness. He opens his eyes and he’s still so close to Philip’s face, can’t bear to tear himself away from the beauty of it. Philip’s eyes are fluttering open as though he wants to stay trapped in that moment, like he can’t believe his current reality. He’s so beautiful. All he wants to do is kiss him again. He’s completely high on the taste of his mouth and he would gladly kiss only him until the end of time. 

“And I just kissed you again. What are you gonna do about it?”

He knows he’s smiling, but Philip is smiling back at him and it’s gorgeous and almost painfully confident. This is his boy. This is the one he fell for. The one he’s going to fall for over and over again every day until Philip doesn’t want him anymore.

“If you play your cards right that can be a regular thing, hitter.”

“Yeah?” he asks, and there shouldn’t be so much hope and awe in his voice but it feels like they’re on the edge of something beautiful. Philip just looks up at him and it’s full of hope and love and he’s been waiting months for this. He’s just caressing Philip’s jaw, thumb running along the strong ridges whilst his palm rests on his neck and he feels grounded for the first time in forever. He knows people are probably looking, that he should be on his way to class and not too wrapped up in this other boy. He knows sooner or later teachers are going to come along and split them up, but he doesn’t care. This, this moment between them, this must be what nirvana is and he’s completely love drunk on that expression and the way Philip looks like he never wants to leave him.

This, this is enough for him. He thinks it might be enough for Philip too.

This is what love is.  
This is what it feels like to be saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit:
> 
> this is not the end
> 
> i'm definitely doing an epilogue. you will find out what philip has been thinking these past few chapters, you will find out what other people think about philip and lukas being together, there will be smut, there will be lukas doing something nice for someone (shocking i know), and i definitely willl not be breaking them up at the end. 
> 
> see you sometime this weekend with it 

**Author's Note:**

> hello guys and welcome to my new, multi chapter, multi thousand word fic  
> i wrote all of this before 1x04 aired so if there's anything in this chapter, or future chapters, that is contradicted by info we get in future episodes then i apologise!
> 
> title comes from coffee by miguel  
> i listened to wildheart a lot whilst writing this fic and a ton of the album is about love, sex, and wanting to belong which totally helped inspire my writing  
> also the title works on two levels because it can be shortened to 2LADS and seeing as i'm british... well it just works  
> also, whilst this chapter doesn't have smut, YES it will definitely be coming
> 
> i will be updating EVERY day for 11 more days (so there will be twelve chapters total)
> 
> if you have any questions or just wanna talk about literally anything you can get a hold of me on tumblr http://roscoekaan.tumblr.com/ or twitter https://twitter.com/philipsheax


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